Seven weeks and worse than ever - please help

[TJDVAN]

So, I will try to keep this as brief as possible.

I met a girl who changed everything for me two and a half years ago; she put light in my life where that had not been any before, she changed my hopes, my goals, my dreams, she conquered my fears, she made me a better person. And we were blissfully in love for around 12 months. The night we got together after months of trying to deny our attraction (she wanted to travel and I was studying for a Masters, so tied to one place), I climbed through her bedroom window and told her I could never again wake up and not be beside her. We were passionate, caring, completely into one another to the extent that nothing and nobody else in the whole world mattered as long as we were together.

I finished my Masters in July of 2010, and after much debate we decided to move back to the U.K., where we are both nationals. We hated it there and for eight months, we lived with parents as we saved every penny we could earn to return to the place where we had met and fallen in love. But soon after realising that dream, she told me the past had killed us, and that she was no longer in love with me. This absolutely destroyed me, because although I know we had not been as happy, I believed in this with such total conviction that I had vowed never to give up and to keep fighting in the knowledge that when things settled down, we would be golden again.

Anyway, it has been seven weeks since she left and I feel like I am at my wit's end. I have tried anything and everything to get over her, or at least to start the process. I have been out, done new things, met new people, focused on work, on going to the gym, learning how to cook new things, watching movies, speaking to friends and family. But nothing works. I just feel a constant bereavement, so utterly hollow and hopeless. I watch things that used to inspire me and feel nothing. I look over job descriptions and feel nothing. I think about moving to a new place, or a new country, but feel nothing. I have tried to be who I was before I met her, but I hate that person now because he wasn't loving or happy.

She was everything I had ever hoped for and never thought I would find. She came from nowhere, completely unlooked-for, so I know that everything we had was real. I wanted her to be the mother of my children, which is a powerful statement from someone who had been in a six-year relationship with someone (who was also wonderful) when he was younger and felt nothing like the same power or depth of connection.

I just do not see how I move forward. I don't want anything anymore - I'm just lost and alone. And however hard I try - and believe me I try so, so hard - I just can't stop thinking about her, and that I will never get to look into her beautiful eyes again and tell her I love her. Never get to wake up beside her, hold her hand as I walk down the street, or tell her my deepest hopes and fears. I feel like I have lost everything that mattered.

Please help me - what can I do, or try, to get over this?

[Andariel]

I am very sorry you are going through this. You seem to be really depressed and to be having a very hard time coping with this.

Would you consider seeing a therapist? They can be very helpful with giving you a different perspective on things and helping you overcome the depression you seem to be stuck in. I am a firm believer in therapy and since you have already tried everything else (talked to friends/family, tried new activities, going outetc) and it didn't work, I would say that a therapist could be the answer to your question. There is no shame in seeking therapy. You would see your GP if you were ill and couldn't get over it on your own and the same thing goes for your emotional health-if the depression is not going away, then the best way to cope with it is to seek a professional who can help you heal.

[TJDVAN]

Thanks for this advice - I have been considering a therapist but finances are very tight at the moment and, although I suspect many people say the same thing, I don't believe it would help me.

I think this is the worst part of my emotional state at the moment - I know exactly why I feel this bad. It's not that I am insecure, it's not that I am worrying about being with someone else in the future, and it's definitely not that I am having a hard time dealing with the pride of being dumped.

It's purely the fact that in 12 years (taking 17 as the first time I really experienced any kind of emotional attachment to a girl) I have never met anybody within a country mile of having the same impact on me as this person did. I have never even been in the slightest tempted by another person, or thought under any circumstance that I wouldn't be with her. It just felt like when I met her - and I understand totally that this seems a cheesy notion - it felt as though every single shred of doubt, fear, indecision I had ever felt just disappeared. Although I'm not religious, it really was as though I had been blind before, but now I saw. She is/was unfathomably wonderful to me.

I just know, whatever anybody will say, that although I will move on and the pain will ease, I will never ever find anyone who makes me feel the way she does. So although I can still move forward, I will never give myself to anybody else completely, or do anything professionally that means as much, which kills me. I will always hope, even though it is entirely unrealistic, that one day she will wake up and realise what we had and that she wants to fight for that. And for that reason, I will always belong wholly to her. Hers is the name I will wish I was saying if I was ever to get married, and I can't even contemplate having children that aren't hers.

It's a very different thing saying you will never meet someone to make everything seem purposeful when you have yet to experience that, as people can emerge at any time and at any point in your life. But once you have had that and it goes away, you have become a different person and will never be able to feel such emotion again. It leaves its mark, deep inside you. I truly believe that, and not just because of what I am going through but from knowing how similar things have made my family members the people they are.

And that's where the depression and feeling of hopelessness comes in. It all makes me feel as though there is no point in anything I do now. Why try if you know you can never reach such heights again?

[Andariel]

And that's where the depression and feeling of hopelessness comes in. It all makes me feel as though there is no point in anything I do now. Why try if you know you can never reach such heights again?

One of the great things about life is that it is unpredictable.You never know what is going to happen next. Unless you have a crystal ball and you can read the future there is no way of telling you will never meet someone as good or even better that your ex! :-)

The depression you are stuck in though is making you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Trust me, this is all in your head, there is always hope and you should never give up on hoping that your life will get better. All the stuff you mentioned in your second post, is why you do need to see a therapist. At the end of the day, what have you got to lose?Give it a shot but go there with an open mind, cooperate and be honest with your therapist about how you feel. They can help you.

[Gamergorky]

So, I will try to keep this as brief as possible.

I met a girl who changed everything for me two and a half years ago; she put light in my life where that had not been any before, she changed my hopes, my goals, my dreams, she conquered my fears, she made me a better person. And we were blissfully in love for around 12 months. The night we got together after months of trying to deny our attraction (she wanted to travel and I was studying for a Masters, so tied to one place), I climbed through her bedroom window and told her I could never again wake up and not be beside her. We were passionate, caring, completely into one another to the extent that nothing and nobody else in the whole world mattered as long as we were together.

I finished my Masters in July of 2010, and after much debate we decided to move back to the U.K., where we are both nationals. We hated it there and for eight months, we lived with parents as we saved every penny we could earn to return to the place where we had met and fallen in love. But soon after realising that dream, she told me the past had killed us, and that she was no longer in love with me. This absolutely destroyed me, because although I know we had not been as happy, I believed in this with such total conviction that I had vowed never to give up and to keep fighting in the knowledge that when things settled down, we would be golden again.

Anyway, it has been seven weeks since she left and I feel like I am at my wit's end. I have tried anything and everything to get over her, or at least to start the process. I have been out, done new things, met new people, focused on work, on going to the gym, learning how to cook new things, watching movies, speaking to friends and family. But nothing works. I just feel a constant bereavement, so utterly hollow and hopeless. I watch things that used to inspire me and feel nothing. I look over job descriptions and feel nothing. I think about moving to a new place, or a new country, but feel nothing. I have tried to be who I was before I met her, but I hate that person now because he wasn't loving or happy.

She was everything I had ever hoped for and never thought I would find. She came from nowhere, completely unlooked-for, so I know that everything we had was real. I wanted her to be the mother of my children, which is a powerful statement from someone who had been in a six-year relationship with someone (who was also wonderful) when he was younger and felt nothing like the same power or depth of connection.

I just do not see how I move forward. I don't want anything anymore - I'm just lost and alone. And however hard I try - and believe me I try so, so hard - I just can't stop thinking about her, and that I will never get to look into her beautiful eyes again and tell her I love her. Never get to wake up beside her, hold her hand as I walk down the street, or tell her my deepest hopes and fears. I feel like I have lost everything that mattered.

Please help me - what can I do, or try, to get over this?

I understand how you feel I too my ex left me in June. While my story is one of betrayal, I can share this one bit of advice and help with you.

The only thing a man can control for better or for worse is himself. You are doing everything right but maybe not for you! You have lost more that a woman you loved but a part of a life you have dreamed of. Do NOT try to simply pick up the pieces of your life, but build something new in its place. Stop trying to stop being "lost and alone" but reignite the spark that once burned inside.

Trust me I know its hard to forget, my ex of three years left me after she got tired of feeling guilty of cheating on me. Then nearly a month ago came to me for money to abort my child!

Don't forget the man you used to be or the feelings of happiness you had because those feeling and memories are what will lead you towards the happiness and fulfillment you are seeking.

[Andariel]

Trust me I know its hard to forget, my ex of three years left me after she got tired of feeling guilty of cheating on me. Then nearly a month ago came to me for money to abort my child!

Oh, my God. I am sorry to hear she has done something like that to you!That is so callous and horrible.

[Mike588]

I'm going thru my own personal hell too. All I can say to is get some profesional help, I have and it really helps. If the moneys tight cut back on something else to pay for it. At least try it once! I believe you will be surprised and can't wait to go back for another session.
Talking to friends, family is one thing but a profesional is much better. I found a woman therapist to kinda get a womens side of my issues, I think you should do the same.
I know this gets old and you've heard it alot but time does help.

[Lifetime]

Only thing I can say is basically what everyone else says, you'll be okay in time. My ex dumped me about 7 months ago, and I just started feeling okay about it not even a month ago. I still miss the bloody hell out of her, and it still hurts everyday. I know it's not easy and it really sucks, but try to keep your head up.

[TJDVAN]

Thanks for your replies guys and girls.

I think the finality of it is the hardest thing to deal with. For two and a half years, every single decision out of the thousands made every day, was made for the two of us, from as simple as what we should eat for dinner and which bar we should have a drink in, to as defining as which country we should love in to set up a home and build a life. Every day, we would talk in bed for 30 minutes or so before sleep about all the little things on our minds as well as the major ones, and we'd kiss and touch a hundred times a day (little things you don't notice at the time, like playing with each others' hands, and playing with hair, rubbing backs, feet, pecking on the cheek when you go out for a pint of milk). Suddenly, one person decides they don't want to be with you any more, and all that comfort, all that intimacy, that personal treasure trove just disappears and you are utterly lost, not knowing what to do on your own.

Since I had my own room as a 10-year-old (18 years ago) I have always appreciated time on my own. I am not a clingy person in the slightest and am very independent, but now I hate to be alone. The past two months have been miserable, and it's just so sad to know that she has really gone. I don't think I'll ever really understand.

I listened to an old song for the first time in years - Duran Duran's "Ordinary World" and I think it is such a vision of my torment. Although I know many people are so much worse off than me (starving, abused, ill, poor), pain is very personal and relative, and it hurts to know that nobody else feels exactly what you do. The Universe doesn't feel for your pain. And then, as the lyrics go, you move to the point where you learn to survive on your own (where I am now) and to pursue that "ordinary world" that is out there. But that's what it is - ordinary, without the person that made it extraordinary for you.

It's not often when you pursue something that you pursue something that isn't wonderful, and that, I think, speaks very cleverly to the pain of trying to move on from a relationship that was wonderful and which you didn't ever want to lose.