I'm torn and I need some help.

[CherryBomb]

I'm gonna try and be short, though it's a freaking long story.
I'm in a relationship for year and a half with someone who doesn't respect me. He cheated on me many times, he was writing to exes and asking them to come and f**k in our house when I wasn't home. His excuse was "I was drunk and we were fighting". I asked him a million times to stop drinking, I even gave him an ultimatum, he just threw me out of the house. He even hit on my best friend and his best friend's ex, saying that he's sorry he didn't meet her before he met me and stuff like that. I've tried everything to make things better, I tried talking to him, but nothing changed... It gets only worse with time. I tried leaving him many times but he beggs me to come back and swears he'll learn to appreciate me. He does - for like a week.
I cried for two hours yesterday. I'm in a really bad place in life right now and he's the only person I have and instead of telling me everything will get better, he started to criticize me and yelling at me to stop crying which only made it worse.
He is also very controlling, he checks my browsing history, my phone all the time, but hates when I call him to ask him where he is. He goes out at 7 in the morning and comes back at 10pm. I don't see him at all, and when I do, we fight. I just want to leave him and forget this crap,but I have no place to go.
I cook and I clean this place every day and he doesn't give a f**k.
The best part is he still thinks he isn't doing anything wrong.

Then there's my ex. He was the best boyfriend in the world. He understood me, knew when I needed my place, knew each tear before it came. He stopped drinking because he saw that I hate it (my dad has a drinking problem and I had a rough childhood because of that).
We could lie in bed all night and just talk about everything, we wouldn't get tired of eachother ever. And I broke his heart, guess I was too young for anything that serious back then. But I keep thinking about him and how things would be if we wouldn't break up. He was the kind of guy you spend your life with and I walked away from that. We still see eachother from time to time (we have a few mutual friends) and it's breaking my heart when I see him.

I'm just so torn. What should I do? I know I should leave the guy but it's too freaking hard....

[Ric]

Do you really need to ask?

Stop being a tard, leave your boyfriend. Don't go be a weakling and come crawling back to him when he begs. You know how that ends up. Going back just shows that you'll take whatever he throws at you, and like it too!
Don't even take your ex into equation. First get out of your current relationship and give yourself some time alone.

[CherryBomb]

I know, but I have no place to go and it's hard

[Ric]

Get yourself a place to go. Friends, family, any place, doesn't matter. You're letting yourself be dependent on him while you should be taking control of your own life.

[Adar]

You answered your own question

I just want to leave him and forget this crap....

It seems the problem here is a logistical one, WHERE to go (not wether to go). I'm sure once you find somewhere (with your sister, mum, friends etc) that you will feel a huge weight lifted off, and with time you'll look in the mirror and LOVE who you see, instead of always listening to the voice in your head that tells you it's ok for someone to repeatedly disrespect you and not want to change.

It's not ok, and you know that. I wish you lots of bravery and love x

[CherryBomb]

Thank you Adar
We broke up a few days ago. He was drunk and he beat the crap out of me, because I was quiet and didn't aruge with him... While he was beating me, he actually yelled a few times that he's sorry and that we could stay friends. It was really bizzare. Anyway, I'm free! Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I stayed with a friend and today I finally talked to my mom and we resolved things, so she's letting me stay here until I get a job and enough money for a place of my own. I hope for the best

[Andariel]

I'm just so torn. What should I do? I know I should leave the guy but it's too freaking hard....

I think you just answered your own question.

His behaviour towards you is unacceptable. You obviously suffer from really low self-esteem to be putting up with all his BS. This guy is never going to change. You don't have a social life of your own, he knows that and he is taking advantage of you not having anyone to turn to for support and he continues to abuse you (yes, this is a classic case of emotional abuse). You had self-esteem issues before you met him I guess, otherwise you would not have been attracted to, let alone stayed with a douchebag like him. I strongly recommend: a)that you break up with him, b) that you see a therapist to work on your issues so that you don't find yourself in similar situations again and c) you start building a life of your own to ensure that when a guy treats you bad you don't feel like you have no one in the world but him and you stick around regardless of whether he treats you like a lady or not.

Thinking of your ex at a time when things are so bad in your life is normal and in a way it is a way to cope with what has been happening to you. That, however, does not mean that you made the wrong choice by breaking up with him or that you should consider going back to him.

Once you remove yourself from the abusive relationship you are in, you will see that it will be like a huge fog has been cleared and you will be able to think clearly for the first time in ages. You will then realise that what you think are feelings for your ex are not love or anything like that but rather a longing to be with someone (anyone at this point) who will treat you nicely.

You need a fresh start in your life. You need to get rid of this loser and build a full life for yourself and you need to work through your issues with a professional who can help you gain perspective on things and develop better coping mechanisms. I would recommend remaining single until you have been able to build some healthy self-esteem and a healthy point of view on life and relationships in general.

[Andariel]

He was drunk and he beat the crap out of me

Her is a low life who deserves to be in jail for what he's done to you. What a scumbag and a poor excuse of a man he is.