I hate my friend's relationship.

[hockeytown08]

My best friend and I are both 22. The guy she has been dating (and now living with) is in his 40's, divorced, and has kids and she is now playing "mommy" for him. She quit her job because he asked her to stay home with his kids all day while he goes to work, and she still is nowhere near finishing college because she is taking fewer classes in order to accommodate her duties with the kids. I'm worried because people our age should be finishing up college and starting our careers and she is being prevented from doing any of that because her boyfriend wants her to be responsible for his kids. He could basically leave her at any time and she will be stuck with nowhere to live (her name is not on the lease for the house), no job, and about half of her college career left.

But now it is starting to affect me so I'm even more concerned. We both got hired to coach a high school team this year and her relationship and mommy duties are making it impossible to work together. Even though she lives 20 minutes closer to the school than I do, she is late to our practices almost every day because she needs to bring her boyfriend's kids to the babysitter (which I don't understand because she can always bring them earlier to make sure she gets there on time). She also leaves early so she can pick up the kids. There will be days when she just doesn't come to practice because she can't find a babysitter. I always thought finding a babysitter should be the parent's job, not the parent's girlfriend's job. I often find myself coaching alone and doing all of the work because of these kids. And I laid out an entire practice schedule for the fall about a month ago, and now we have to redo it because of her boyfriend's kids' school schedule.

I know that it is not my friend's relationship and I should mind my own business, but I feel that it is my business now that it is affecting me. I take my coaching job very seriously, and it frustrates me when she is blowing off her duties with our team because of these kids that aren't even hers, and we are supposed to receive equal pay. I knew about her boyfriend and his kids way before we took this job, so I should have been aware. But I did not know that she had that much responsibility for them. I really don't want her to continue coaching with me because it sets a bad example when I punish athletes for being late, but their coach shows up late every day. And right now we are supposed to receive equal pay, but now I think it's a good idea that I talk to the school administration and ask to have some of her salary since I do way more work than her and I am never late and I never miss a practice. I feel like that would be screwing over my friend, but at the same time, I feel like I've been screwed over by her and her and these kids that aren't really hers. Is there anything I can do to fix this situation that would not involve me hurting our friendship?

[devonbrown]

First, you are right, it is not your relationship and you should stay out of it. You can express your concerns about the relationship as her friend, but do that and then leave it alone.

Second, deal with the coaching situation as you would if you she wasn't your friend. Separate out the personal from the professional. Don't worry about WHY she is late to and misses practices, just that she is.

But it sounds like you already know both of these things. I am not sure about not hurting your friendship because I don't know enough about your friendship and how you interact together. Just try to explain to her the reasons why you think these things and for the actions you are taking (involving the job). Don't try to make her feel bad or guilty about it, just let her know it is what is best for you. And try to be empathetic to what she is feeling.

Good luck.