I have officially become 'one of those guys'

[edweird256]

I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years. I've been living with her since March. And I know 3 years seems like a little time but when you're as in love and committed to each other as we are, it definitely feels like we've always been dating. We're best friends. We feel like we've known each other our whole life. And we want to stay together our whole life.

Now, onto my problem. And I feel like a whinny little kid for complaining but...we have not had intercourse the whole time we've been living together. I actually cannot remember the last time we had sex. It has been an ongoing problem that has gotten worse and worse. After our first time 2 years ago, we did it 3 or 4 times a week. Last year we did it about 2 times a week, the end of last year about 1 time a week, and then suddenly not at all.

I know you guys are gonna ask me if I do things to her and I DO. I ask her all the time if she wants oral or what we call an 'intimate massage', but she always responds "nah," and changes the subject. And it's not like I come right out and say it, I say it in the most sensual way I can. She turns it down. I've always done those things to her and she has always enjoyed them.

The only time this year that I can remember doing anything sexual with her was on my birthday about six months ago when she gave me a handjob. I really don't want to think it was a sympathy handjob because it was my birthday. But ever since then, nothing. Sure we kiss and cuddle, she loves to cuddle, but when we're starting to get steamy while making out and I ask if she wants to..you know, she says "ehh, I'm too tired," and goes right to sleep.

One day last week, she told me she wanted it. I was SO happy and instantly started getting turned on. We were kissing and touching each other and were so into it. And then suddenly...one of her roommates comes into our room. And never leaves. When she finally left, my girlfriend fell asleep. I was so incredibly pissed.

It hurts me because I want to express my love for her sexually but she won't let me. I always tell her I love her, I'm always giving her gifts, and she's happy with me, she really is. She is just NEVER in the mood. It makes me feel disgusting and unwanted. I've gone so far as literally begging her on my knees in bed to let me have her. She got extremely sad and almost cried. Whenever I start talking about how awful I feel when she rejects me she cries and thinks all this bad stuff about herself that's not true. So basically I just keep it to myself. I've gotten so sad that I've cried myself to sleep a couple nights.

She's told me she's sad and sorry that we never do it anymore. And I know she's being sincere. We love each other, we want kids together. We've even named the kids already. We have so many plans for our future. I'm not gonna throw away all of those dreams because of lack of sex.

I'm just worried about my girlfriend. She's always tired, she's never in the mood to be with me sexually. Whenever she turns me on in some way I have to go to the bathroom and..you know. She says everything is fine with her. I know it's not because she's not attracted to me, she's always telling me I have a beautiful body and a beautiful...male part. I don't know what to do. Breaking up is not an option, we've both agreed that we're not gonna break up over this. I just need any help/advice you guys can give me. Thanks.

[reeba]

why are you the one posting. it is her that should be posting. she has an issue or physical thing or hormonal thing or mental thing or something. it is normal for things to cool down, but that quickly from alot to nada? is she on meds?

[edweird256]

Just birth control. She's always taken that though since before we met.

[simmo]

sounds like my situation before i found out I was being cheated on. Really hope that's not the case here. DO NOT tell her there is something wrong with her. NO, that will not go over well.

[Andariel]

Has she told you why she doesn't sleep with you anymore? Sure, being tired can affect one's libido but not to the point when you haven't had sex in months and there is no physical intimacy between you anymore. From personal experience I can tell you that yes, of course it is normal to feel tired from time to time and not be in the mood for sex but when this is happening all the time then 'I'm tired' actually means 'I don't want to have sex with you but don't want to say this to you so I have to find an excuse''.

Is she going through any major changes in her life?Any significant stress during this period? Stress, depression etc can affect a woman's libido.

It is important that you two talk about this without accusations and tears. You both need to figure out what the problem is-maybe she is feeling stiffled by you wanting to have sex with her more frequently than she does and she has now reached a point that she has completely shut down etc. Aksing for sex can be a huge turn off although I understand that after so many sexless months you have reached a point that you must be feeling frustrated and unwanted and this needs to change.

Have you picked up on any subtle hints/signs from her that something is bothering her with either your approach to inititating sex, during sex, your relationship in general etc? A woman sometimes won't say what is really bugging her because she doesn't want to hurt her man, without realising that this lack of communication is making things even worse-after al,l you are not a mind-reader and if she doesn't tell what's wrong, how can you then work together to fix it?You have the right to know.

If you don't have an open and honest discussion about it then the problem won't be solved and quite frankly who wants to be in a sexless relationship?

[Kyrina]

[url=http://www.medble.com/low-sex-drive-treatment.htm]Low Sex Drive Treatment[/url]
It may have nothing at all to do with you and she actually has a medical condition, you need to support her even go with her for a check up if she lets you, we always assume its us when the other doesnt want to have sex, talk to her dont charge against her saying anything cuddle her make her feel safe and talk gently and normally to her but you need to research other possibilities on the health front for her too if she wont go to the gp it may not be health, but i will congratulate you at being an amazing man and not letting this issue break you up.Stay with it i know its hard (erm sorry ) but it most likely isnt you and she is afraid.
Good luck to you both.

[devonbrown]

I've gone so far as literally begging her on my knees in bed to let me have her. She got extremely sad and almost cried.

First of all, don't do this any more. It just makes you look a fool and makes her feel bad about herself.

I would just talk to her and maybe suggest counseling for the two of you. Don't suggest she just go, suggest it as a partnership building thing. There are probably a lot of things going on in her head and she may not even realize the half of them.

While sex is not the be-all, end-all in a relationship, to have no intimacy makes the relationship more of a friendship than anything.

Personally, it sounds like there is a lot of stress and pressure on her to perform and it is causing her to shut down. You may not think you are pressuring her, but it comes across that way in your post here.

Good luck.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This relationship is over. How much longer do you have on your lease?

[oldskool83]

word of advice, never ask for sex. when it stops there is normaly a reason, most times relationship over unless there is a bigger issue someone needs to talk about.

[6wordsentence]

hi edweird,

What i think you should do is look for ways to get HER turned on instead of focusing on YOU getting turned on, you know what I'm saying.

Let me give you an example.. Ever heard about the Cat-String theory?

If you use a string properly, you can get a cat to perform acrobats.. But isn't it funny that as soon as you give the string to the cat, suddenly the cat is not interested in the string anymore?

I know on the surface it seams that this example has nothing to do with your situation.. Or maybe it has everything to do with it.

See, what I want you to do is find ways to break the sexual tension before she does, a.k.a. Don't push it on her.. say, you're kissing and escalating to sex, right. Just stop for a second and do something else, anything.. you break the sexual tension before she does.. She'll start wanting you to escalate, because you're not doing it.. You're getting to a point where she's confortable being intimate and just before she try to resist, you stop first. Does that make sense to you?

That, my friend, is called fore play.. You're giving her the space to want you sexually in the first place.. And when someone want what you've got, it's so much easier to give it to them..

Now i know this advice may sound a little manipulating, but keep in mind that this is exactly what she's doing to you right now.

so you want to break the tension before she does. but don't do it in an obvious way. you want to be as subtle as possible.. The way I do it is just start talking about a random boring subject after I kiss her.. If she's asking you why did you stop, you know that it's working.

If she goes along with your boring subject, you simply start kissing her again after she's finished talking.. Or you can stop to go "get some wine" in the fridge.. Then you stop again to turn the lights a little softer.. Hell, you can even stop and tell her that you're not ready for this.. The point is, you have to stop before she does. Eventually she'll be so turned on that she'll practically rape you.

Remember, you're just giving her the space to WANT you in the first place. This shouldn't be an EGO play where you're trying to be the MAN.. You're turning HER on, make it exiting for her. You know what I'm saying.


Good luck..

Yours truly,

The 6 Word Sentence