Possible divorce? or can be saved?

[Stratusxp]

Hi all. I just needed to get an opinion on something. Theres a huge 6 month history on whats been going on between me and my wife but to sum it up basically she told me she didnt love me anymore about 6 months ago and then for a 3 month period was acting like someone ive never known b4.

I held it together and stayed in there for her and we supposebly made it through our problems and were together. I am 95% positive in my head it was all due to her having an affair but shell never ever admit it for the sake of loosing our son in court.

The other day Yesterday i found a reciept dated 1-14-2005 for a pregnancy test. And it was paid with cash. This is significant because we always use charge for even a 50 cents purchase becuase i record everything in a file. I belive she used cash so it wasnt traceable on one of my cc's. Also we have not had sex since 8-2004 so i know she didnt think id be my baby. So I asked her about it and she flipped on me saying "i dont even want to talk to you right now, you thihnk i bought a pregnancy test?" And i just hung up on her I couldnt here it I knew she would deny it. Then when i got home from work she stated she was going to her friend (a guy) house tj. I got home at 10:30 at night on a fri and she wants to hang out with another guy? Well anyway so I of course got angry and said a few things and slammed the door. S

So this morning i brought it up to her again and she tried saying it was for a friend and shes sworen to secrecy. There should be no secrets in marriage i belive. but all she can do is fight with me. Not even fight with me about defending herself but just plain fight with me. Then i checked the mileage on the car and it was the exact mileage to her friend daves house who is the afffair guy in question. So i bring that up to her and she flips. I just need to know what the hell to do. This has drawn the line for me. Just need some others opinions. Thank you all in advance!

[BlackRose]

Sounds to me like you both have a lot of issues to work out. I doubt anyone here will be able to give you two the kind of help you need. I would suggest seeing a marriage councelor. Seperately and then together. Work out your issues, get everything out in the open and then work on healing. As for her not admitting to an affair because you think she is afraid of losing her son....That is insane. Perhaps nothing is going on at all and you are just taking it too far. Have you threatened her with this? Perhaps that is why she is so withdrawn. Just remember, he may be your son too, but she gave birth to him. Just be careful what you say to a mother. She will not let you take her child from her. You are only pushing her away by using him as leverage. That is low too so if you haven't done this, I don't suggest you do. It just makes you look like the bad guy in the long run. Like I said before though, see a councelor. It might help.

[Stratusxp]

No she threatens me with him. I actually signed something that stated I would give her full custody in the event of a seperation or divorce. She threw it out. She knows i love him beyond anything in this world but i would let him go if i had to. Thats not what i mean I mean she wont tell me bc she knows if the lawyers or court or w/e found out she was cheating eveything would be in my favor. What i mainly was asking in this post was what ya'll would react with? If you found out your wife hid a pregnancy test from you and then says it was for a friend. And yous havent had sex in 6 months. And guys are calling your house and shes lying about it saying she dont remember who called and forgots about caller id and returned calls. I dunno. And eveythime we have a fight she runs to that guy. So i hope to god shes pregnant. Shell loose everything in her life bc of being sooooo stupid. Ive been so supportive and try every minute to show her i love her and shes so stubburn and mean she acts like she dont care.

[BlackRose]

That's kind of immature, dude. Wishing she is pregnant? Wow... You sound like you are done with her. I say just break it off now before things get worse. You don't sound like you are in any position to stay with her and try to work things out. I am not saying it's all you. She is being a little strange too. What I would do about the pregnancy test is nothing. It's not really your business. I'm guessing you went through her stuff to find the receipt. I highly doubt she left it laying around. If she did, then it probably is exactly what she claimed it to be....for a friend. You never know. You need to start trusting your wife a little more. Next time, don't corner her. If you had found it in a legit way, I would have just said something like "Hey. I was cleaning up and I found a receipt. Is everything ok?" Sounding concerned. If she asks you what the receipt was for, then tell her. Since you attacked her about it though, she went on the defensive. You guys have really bad communication and considering you haven't had sex in nearly six months, you know there is a serious problem. This dude she is seeing and possibly sleeping with...is he a friend or someone she has known a long time? And these calls she gets, are they maybe from other friends? Women should be able to have male friends. Perhaps you are reading too much into things? Have you ever spoken to any of these callers or to this guy she runs to in a time of need? Do they seem like they might just be people she talks to? Try to wipe the thoughts of cheating from your mind for a minute and look at things objectively. Give her the benefit of the doubt. You really might be making a huge mistake. Talk to her... in a normal setting... no yelling or pointing any fingers. Just ask her to tell you what is going on. Stop neglecting your wife and remind her that you still care (if you do). If you don't, then forget it. I don't know what to tell you then. I still suggest therapy if you wish to salvage it, or try to at least. Otherwise, start talking about a divorse.

[Stratusxp]

OMG. Why is everybody against a guy in this world? That is so wrong. Even if they are friends if you ly your hiding something. You wouldnt lie if you had nothing to hide. And no again guys are not all bad like you all think she handed me a pile of reciepts from her purse on fri because on payday i sit down with all our reciepts for a couple hours and add them in the comp. And i came accross it. When asked she immediately went into a deffense mode. She told me nobody calle dhe rlast night even though theres a guy jimmy ive never heard of b4 that called. And 30 mins later after i could tell buy her face expression and kept asking her she admitted it was some guy jimmy she gave her number to at work. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME THE BAD GUY WHEN IM THE ONE HOME WITH MY SON 24/7 WHILE SHES OUT DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT. She already admitted to getting high at parties and drunk. Shes a married women. Girls dont go out till 3-4 am or not come home at all not tell thier husbands where they are and put thier family in jeopardy by being arund illegal and doing illegal things. Grrrr. Im not the bad guy here. Im doing everything i could to save the marriage. I may have overreacted about the pregnancy test but its a little odd she bought it over 20 days ago never mentioned it paid ash and got her period a week after she bought this test. Hmmmm. I dunno. I just wish i could catch he rin the act for closure so i know im not making a mistake.

[BlackRose]

Calm down. I was just asking questions. I didn't have the whole story. I never definitively said "you are wrong and she is right." I am sorry if I offended you or gave you the impression that I wasn't trying to help. It seems what I did worked though because I ended up with bits of the story that I didn't have before. Since she handed you the receipt, I assume she wasn't trying to hide it. Considering the fact that she got her period, I wouldn't worry too much about the test. It was probably indeed for a friend. I've done things like that for friends who were too nervous to do it themselves. It's a friendly gesture and she probably didn't think twice about it. It was probably paid for in cash because her friend handed her the money to pay for it. That would make sense, right? Again, not saying this is the truth. It's just an idea. I am sorry that your wife is so horrible. Lieing is not good and she obviously doesn't care all that much about her family if she is out partying until all hours of the night and encountering illegal substances. I would definitely consider getting her some professional help. Perhaps rehab? I still don't know for sure how committed you are to her after all she has put you through but if you are, try to help her out. If not for your sake, for yours sons. He needs his mother and he needs her sober and clean. Pot may be harmless in some peoples eyes but it is a gateway drug. She may begin to use other illegal substances as a result of it. It happens a lot of the time. She seems careless and bored with life. She needs an outlet but this is the wrong one. Again, I am very sorry for my bias. Don't be angry with me. I only want to help.

[Nice Lover Boy]

I just wish i could catch he rin the act for closure so i know im not making a mistake.

Your not the "bad guy" here. Relax....and also, you don't wish to catch both of them together, if, they were ever together. But you still do not have any valuble proof.
How old are you and how old is she?
How long ago did you two get married?
Does she consider herself really attracted?
I'm sorry I am asking so many questions, but I have been in a affair and I was the guy who wasn't married, you know what I am saying now? But you asked for help and opinions and I just want to read the situation and see where exactly this situation stand. But don't go in search of trying to catch them both together, THIS WOULDN'T SOLVE ANYTHING. But anyways, when was the last time you both went out and had a great romantic time?

[Stratusxp]

Im 22 shes 20. Got married 10 months ago. Shes attrative. Dont know what you mean by that last question. Wether she thinks shes attractive or attracted to me. Its ok im not mad. It just came off to me like you were saying i was the problem and its all me Sorry. Ive putten up with alot. But she doesnt show caring towards me. Like i said 6 months with nothing more than a peck kiss. It just seems like im just a contracted buttler or something to run the house clean the house and take care of everything while she goes to work comes home and goes out. I just feel unloved unwanted I guess. Been going on for while. aS FOR YOUR LAST QUESTION. Never. She never wants to go out with me. Its either with her friends or we go with the baby. We dont do anything romantic. And when i do she turns it into a fight or says im only doing it for sex. It has just gotten so hopeless. Dunno how to explain it.

[Nice Lover Boy]

wow, both of you all real young.
Yet, I can see what your wife is doing. Since she thinks that she has the "honey" image, she is taking advantage of her being attracted. She wants attention and ofcourse wants to test the waters with other guys. Listen, best thing to do since there is obviously nothing there, is to move on. If I had a wife who would start a fight when I wanted to make things romantic and she said that I was doing it for sex, I would of ditched her in a heart beat. That is why you get married. But, since both of you are young and with a kid, I believe that both of you were forced to get married for the sake of your kid. I'm sorry man, but it looks to me as if things won't get any better. Do your thing, continue taking care of your kid, but it wouldn't hurt to meet other real women just to be around with. So in this case, you have someone to be with as soon as she decides that she wants to dedicate her time to do her own thing. What do you want to be happy?

[Matt118]

You do have a lot to work out.

I think its pretty obvious she is cheating, and once trust is broken, its very hard to re-gain.

You have some very serious decisions to make though, as your child is the most important person in either of your lives. At no point and time should you ever use your son as leverage. I know you haven't said you would, but when people get really angry, they sometimes screw up and do the one thing they shouldn't.

I would suggest counseling before divorce, if she will go, because you guys have some serious issues to overcome, and I doubt that you can do it on your own.

If she refuses, then get the counseling for yourself, and make whatever decision you have to make, but keep the childs welfare at the center of whatever you decide.

[cycletease]

Although it is not a popular attitude, I believe that all people deserve to be happy and some relationships just can't be worked out. This may not be your relationship, but from what you have said here, it sounds like you should consider walking.

The problems with this marriage (as you have described) seem to be with her cheating. If you have "worked them out" then she should be involved in the relationship again...not out with some other guy. If you cannot be her priority then she shouldn't be your wife. You deserve to be loved and cared for and have a happy homelife.

You are both very young and she may feel she made a mistake having a family so early. Who knows what is going on from her side. What is evident is that she isn't planning on working to fix this marriage and you cannot do it alone.

[Pondman]

You need to approach your wife as someone you want the best for. You need to ask her to sit down and discuss your marriage. If she wants out, or you can't reach any acceptable agreement, you'll need to end it.

It sounds like you will never have a monogamous relationship with your wife. Some people can do multiple partner stuff. Most can't for too long. As painful as it might seem, its probably only going to get worse. And if you do end it gets some help. I'd question your marriage from the start and say there probably were warning signs to begin with. You probably just were in chemical bliss, not to say we all haven't been there, and didn't see it.

I'd take care of this today. Your marriage could get really ugly. The sooner you begin dealing with the better