Things he did not tell me

[lovely42]

I recently found out a guy I had been seeing off and on for three years has a criminal record of rape from 10 years ago. I asked him about it and he said he was not convicted of the crime but was charged but it is on his permanent record. Now I am scared to be around him and uncomfortable with his past. Is it wrong for me to judge him based on something from 10 years and was not convicted of the crime? However, he spent 9 months in prison for violating probation and not showing up for court date. I can not lower my standards from being in someones company with that kind of record. He has four charges, rape, assault, predator, and a sexual violent crime. That is horrible! What are your thoughts? I would never be involved with him romantically again but should I remain friends with him? Is it wrong to not be his friend?

[HeartIsAching]

I have no idea what rape laws are like in your country, but here's it's easily possible to be accused of a crime you didn't commit, be arrested and later acquitted due to lack of evidence... it's also quite possible to commit the crime and get an acquittal due to lack of evidence.

Basically you need to decide whether or not you trust him. If you don't, it's time to walk. Period.

[lovely42]

I am in love with this guy. But I know I hurt him when I told him I could not be with him anymore. And he said I was like everybody else who has hurt me. He claims he really loves me and misses but I just don't know. Everybody says leave him alone because of his past. He has shown some scary traits before with me but he has never been physically violent. Nobody charges someone with all those crimes and they are guilty of non them. That is odd and rare. We are talking about four charges. So I just do not know. But you are right it does all boil down to trust. Thanks for advice. What country are you in? Are you in the UK?

[lovely42]

I have no idea what rape laws are like in your country, but here's it's easily possible to be accused of a crime you didn't commit, be arrested and later acquitted due to lack of evidence... it's also quite possible to commit the crime and get an acquittal due to lack of evidence.

Basically you need to decide whether or not you trust him. If you don't, it's time to walk. Period.

I am in the U.S. also. I put up the wrong flag.

[HeartIsAching]

Nobody charges someone with all those crimes and they are guilty of non them. That is odd and rare. We are talking about four charges. So I just do not know.

Not necessarily true.

[lovely42]

So why stick someone with all those charges. He plead guilty to assautl however, to lessen the charge and received nine months. Not for the assault, but not coming to court.

[bloodtippedrose]

I would not associate myself with a person with that colorful of a past, not even as a friend because they could be a dangerous friend who could possibly get my name tied up in something unwanted. Even more of a reason if he didn't tell me his past himself.

[lovely42]

His motto is "don't ask don't tell". Honestly, the first time you meet someone who is gonna tell you that they have a criminal record of rape and several others. Would you? You are embarrassed not proud! I would be. And I sort of agree with you on them getting my name tied up in some mess. That is true. Because you really don't know people sometimes unfortunately until they do something shady. Not telling someone a past like that isn't easy but it does arise some trust issues. Can someone change after something like that. Other charges were probably added on by the attorney. They want to nail men with as much as possible especially once the women cries rape. They wanna make it worse because it was such a horrific accusation. I don't know about the laws regarding rape either in this country because I have never had any crimes commited against me or charge (knock on wood and blessed so far) but you do not know who we will meet which. Ever since that happened I am totally out of the dating cirlcle. He has made me not only distrust him but men in generally. Now I do not want to be bothered with meeting new guys I know nothing about at this agel. Too old, wiser an simply scared now. How sad, but true. People come with too much baggage and a past that is mind blowing. they serious past and issues once you get older. It is safer to stay alone I believe. What if he could have given me some type of STD! I asked him and he said he was okay. But I have been having myself tested I am simply scared and at peace being single. Some women my age still date around with all these different people. I do not see how they do it. Anyway, sorry to get off the subject. I guess this question go on forever, but I will eventually make the final decision and I hope it is not worth regretting. However, I think walking away could never be regretted. You can't be caused potential harm if you are not around them.

[Illusional]

well..... i can see if this person was convicted ONCE for rape because our legal system isn't the best that this world has to offer. however, when it comes to 4 times... that is something that isn't forgivable. you're allowed to make a mistake in life and you can repent for it once,... maybe twice in some circumstances is forgivable. BUT four f*cking times is out of the question. he won't change and he will most likely cause you pain and hurt in the future. i would rid of him now before things get too serious.


raverboy

[bloodtippedrose]

His motto is "don't ask don't tell". Honestly, the first time you meet someone who is gonna tell you that they have a criminal record of rape and several others. Would you? You are embarrassed not proud! I would be.

No I dont expect anyone with a background like that to tell it when they first meet but off and on for three years is an entirely different story in itself. Don't ask don't tell is a blatant excuse. He should be ashamed of what he's done and man up to change himself instead of sweep his past under the rug. He is nothing but a coward and he doesn't know how to keep his emotions under control (concluded from his assault charges). There is nothing positive about staying with this guy who'd like to fool you into thinking he's a good person.

[Martina Thomas]

Hi Lovely,
Just try to remain as friend with ur BF. Think again in considering him as your life partner. if you have belief that he can keep you happy forever then you can start your life with him

[carl1222]

Were the four charges for separate incidents, or were they all related to the same criminal act? If they were separate incidents, run ... don't walk ... away from him.

If he pled guilty to assault as a bargain to avoid the more serious charges, this doesn't mean that he was innocent of the rape related charges ... just that the prosecutor felt that their evidence wasn't strong enough to get a conviction BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT. If he pled out to assault, I think it is fair for you to assume that it is likely that he did all or some of the other things he was charged with. He was accused of dangerous crimes against a woman. It's not wrong to be his friend, but in my opinion, it's just too risky.

I believe in second chances after a long time, but his lack of honesty is also a real concern.

[elmore44]

He was charged with four crimes in the incident of 2 rapes, assautl, and sexual violent acts, with the same girl at the same time. Things were serious about 6 months ago and we stopped calling each other because we did not get along. I am glad he was never violent with me. But I was the potential long before I found about his crime. I changed my name from lovely42 to Elmore44. this is the same person.

[elmore44]

All related to the same crime!

[vashti]

I wouldn't give second chances with someone convicted of sex crimes. The stakes are too high. I wouldn't be their "friend", either. What if he repeats his behavior with someone you know?

I'll let someone else be Pollyanna.