Boyfriend flirting

[love_life]

Hello, I am new to the site. I apologise for not introducing myself first, I just needed to vent about an issue I am having with my boyfriend. This might become a little long but please bear with me on this..

We've been together for a year or so now and we are both very happy together, even talking about getting married in the future. However, we are both quite insecure people and whenever we argue (which is rare) it is always about jealousy over other girls/guys. There is this one girl (girl X) that my boyfriend had a crush on before we met. Girl X had a boyfriend at the time but would continually text my (now) boyfriend and they even shared a kiss one drunken night (before we got together)

Lately I've been feeling quite insecure and paranoid when my boyfriend is texting/on facebook. I will give you a little background on why I started to feel this way..

I'm at University and during term-time I live away from home (away from my boyfriend). While I was at Uni my boyfriend went out for his friends birthday, he never told me who he was going out with and I found out through facebook photos that he was out with a group of girls. One of which always posted on my boyfriend's facebook wall and there were some photos of them together from the night out. I checked out her profile and saw that my boyfriend had liked a recent photo of her in a bikini. This really got to me so I had it out with him. He justified it all and said he was trying to piss off her ex (her ex was threatening my boyfriend and spreading lies that he and this girl has slept together - which was not true). That having been said we sorted all that out and he deleted her off facebook and has no contact with her.

Since then I've been paranoid for no reason which led me to my current situation..

A few weeks ago I checked his messages on his phone. It was stupid and I was drunk, I won't go snooping again but what I found really annoyed me.

I found messages to and from girl X, they were very flirtatious. These messages were from the early part of this year (when me and my boyfriend were together). He was saying how he missed talking to her, saying how he wonders what it would be like if she was single when they kissed.. what would have happened between them etc. He never told me about this messages, I had to find out from snooping on his phone. I have never liked this girl and he knew how I felt about him talking to her and yet still sent these flirtatious text messages. I had it out with him and we did sort it out, I said I would put it behind me as long as he doesn't have any contact with her again.

I want to add that when I had it out with my boyfriend he did feel terrible about it and knows he did wrong. He said he just missed her as a friend and wanted to know if she missed that too.
However, I am still finding it hard to forget about it, I keep worrying about if he still texts her. And it upsets me so much that he would flirt with her like that when we're in a relationship. He really is so sweet to me and we are in love, he says he has no feelings for anyone else and never will. I know he didn't actually cheat but it still makes me feel disrespected. I don't know how to forget about this..

Any advice would be welcomed

[devonbrown]

A) You snooped which was a violation of his trust. Whether you say you will do it again or not, it still shows a lack of trust in your relationship and a relationship can not advance without trust.
B) You say that he hasn't done anything with this girl, so why are you upset? Do you never flirt with anyone else?
C) He didn't tell you about the messages because he knew you would freak out about it. Which you did. He shouldn't have hidden it, but then again, he shouldn't have HAD TO hide it.
D) You demanded that he delete his friend off his Facebook page. He did. For you.

Here is the thing - You need to figure out why you are not happy with your relationship. It has nothing to do with this girl. You don't trust him and you have insecurity issues which would exist even without this girl around. You aren't going to forget about this. Because in the back of your mind he would rather be with someone else, even if it isn't true. But if you keep pushing like you are doing, you may wind up fulfilling that thought process.

Concentrate on you and him. No one else. And see whether you want to continue in the relationship.

Good luck.

[Way2Roux]

Yeah: you both sound really insecure (no offense). I have guy friends that I used to be involved with that I never talk to anymore since I started seeing my boyfriend. I don't talk to them because I don't give a shit about them. I don't "miss" them in any way. I have plenty of girlfriends, why would I need any guy friends? Does your man not have any male companions? Why does he need this female?

[bulrush]

A couple possibilities come to mind:
- Friends do sometimes flirt, but this is mainly with older people, not people in their 20s. Guys in their 20s who are flirting want to sleep with someone. There's no other explanation. And your bf's explanation does not look right to me.

- What does your bf need that he is not getting from you? Is he getting enough sex? That's usually the main issue with guys that age. Or, he may be getting enough sex from you, but simply wants variety. Guys will rarely tell the truth about sex because girls tend to overreact if the guy says they are not getting enough. Try to encourage him to be truthful, only then can you understand what is really going on.

As a boyfriend I do not flirt with other girls unless I talk about it with my gf before hand. Yes I have been in situations where my gf has wanted me to flirt with other girls. At the time it was weird and I didn't do it, but now I know it's just for fun, nothing more.

I do have a female friend (as opposed to "romantic girl friend") where we flirt, and can talk graphically about sex like mature adults. But she has great communication and has made it clear she is not interested in me. I accept that and have fun flirting with her and talking with her. No drama, no judgement, we just have a bit of fun.