How Long Does It Take

[Delicioso]

I imagine these kinds of stories are commonplace, but this has bothered me too long to go without discussion. I'm not looking for sympathy or reassurance, I'm looking for advice.

I met a girl in my Junior year of high school. Without getting cheesy or cliché, I just kinda knew she was special from the moment I heard her speak. I was incredibly awkward and shy, but somehow over the course of the year finally worked up the balls to ask her out, right before summer was going to start. She said yes, and the moment is seared into my memory, I felt weightless for the rest of the day.

Fast forward three months, and I was miserable.

It's hard to pin down why. Sometimes when we were together it felt perfect. Hours disappeared. At one point during the summer she had to leave for some reason and I went to walk her to the bus stop, and we just kept walking until we got to her house. Then, she went to walk me back to my bus stop and we wound up halfway back to my place before she realized her parents might murder one or both of us. I arrived back home to find out I had missed dinner by two hours.

But other times it was like we were operating on very different levels. She would seem to want something and I would never know what. She would become distant for reasons I couldn't fathom. I suspected that on some level she might have started to respect me less. She was smarter than me and I knew it. I was the kind of kid who stood around feeling smug when I answered difficult questions, or figured complicated things out (yes I was a complete ass), but she was just razor sharp and half what she said went sailing over my head. I started to read more and more into emails and texts, I drove myself crazy trying to figure her out.

When it finally came down to it, I was going to break up with her. But when I finally came face to face with her I couldn't do it. I had said I wanted to talk with her (she knew what was coming I'm certain), but when she got there I had changed my mind. The good parts of the relationship were persistent in my head. But she brought a friend, and made the strong implication that she didn't want to waste time there because she and her friend were going to hang out someplace. I told her I thought we should split almost mechanically, still trying to make sense of this, and she basically shrugged and left.

I didn't feel anything for a while. And then a sort of hollow pain started building, a week or two down the line.

Four months later she starts coming in to hang out in one of my classes, and we chat. This is basically a dream come true for me, the sort of wild hope I had while trudging uncaringly through the rest of my life. It's almost like it was before, there's chemistry again. Sparks. It got flirtier as the days went on, she'd sit on my lap and we just talked and joked. It was always the high point of my day when she walked in.

Finally, she asked if I wanted to date again (or got me to ask her, it's hazy). It was 2 o'clock in the afternoon. We kissed, and I literally can't think of a single time in my life where I felt happier. We left school together.

And every uncomfortable aspect of our relationship from before came crashing down in minutes. We both felt it, but I tried my hardest anyway to make our date fun. Four awkward hours later, as I waited for a bus with her, she blurted out something about just being friends. The bus showed up almost exactly when she said this, so I was spared more than a moment of utter speechlessness. I walked away, broken.

Her friends told me later I had made her cry. I have no idea how.

It has been two and a half years, and I haven't spoken to her. She hasn't made any attempt to contact me, nor I her. I've gone out with other women a few times, but only because they reminded me of her. As soon as that illusion faded I would split. They repulsed me. There are peaks and valleys, but I've pretty much in a state of mild depression for 3 years, slightly more so after the second dumping.

I keep telling myself that eventually I'll get over it. That's what every article says, that's the chorus of every "plenty of fish in the sea" speech. Time heals all wounds. Get back on the horse.

I still can't get her out of my head. I still feel sick when I think about her, which is frequent. Especially if I meet a girl I might like. None of them can distract me for long anyway.

How long before I stop feeling like this? Every time I go home for a holiday I scan sidewalks while I'm driving, aisles when I'm shopping, hoping I'll run into her. It's all I can think about. When I'm not home, she only occupies my thoughts every time I feel alone, a slowly increasing portion of my waking hours. Occasionally I dream that I meet up with her again, like I did the last time I spoke to her. When I wake up from those dreams everything that bothers me during my waking hours sharpens, and it's all fresh in my mind again.

I just want this to go away. I'm sick of feeling cold and alone.

[Hth]

With time you won't feel like this anymore, trust me. It gets so much easier and then yOu won't even want to think about her anymore, or have any desire to talk or whatever. But, keep yourself occupied by things you love to do like your job, hobbies. Eventually, you will be okay, time is the healer.

I'm feeling so good now, I won't Want to return as I used to be while I was hurting anymore. . There are billion of fishes in the sea, better fishes.

[Delicioso]

I'm glad you feel better.

It's been two and a half years though, and I still feel like shit. I don't want to think about her or talk to her, I know nothing would be different. But it won't go away. I don't know how much longer I can keep forcing smiles at the other fish. The only ones that bite I desperately want to throw back.

[Lifetime]

I know you're not looking for sympathy, like you said, but I definitely do feel for you. My ex left me 7 months ago and although there are times when I feel okay, I still miss her so much, and I'm still so broken over losing her. I think the best advice I got thus far, albeit obvious, is to really, truly accept the fact that she's gone and is not coming back. The last couple days, when I start thinking about her, I'll stop myself and say aloud "She isn't coming back, it's over, she has someone else, and she is NOT coming back". Sounds kinda silly, and I do feel a little silly talking to myself, but it does help me. The reason I'm telling you this is because you mentioned how you still scan the streets, aisles in the store, etc. looking for her. You need to find a way to make yourself TRULY BELIEVE that she is not coming back. Don't look for her anymore, don't fool yourself with even the slightest thought that she may come back to you one day. I know that I still have hope that my girl will come back, but I know that she won't and I need to make myself accept it, it sounds like you do too.

Like I said, I'm basically in the same boat as you, but I think this sounds like a good way to finish getting over someone.

Edit: I didn't see your post above this, maybe you have already done this and you do know 100% that it's over, from what you said. However, "I don't want to think about her or talk to her, I know nothing would be different", sounds like something that would come out of my mouth, and although I want it to be true more than anything, I know deep down it still isn't.

[OmnicronPercei8]

I heard at some point that a good rule of thumb in getting over someone is half the time the relationship lasted. There are extenuating circumstances though like when an ex won't quit contacting you or trying to string you along.

[Delicioso]

You need to find a way to make yourself TRULY BELIEVE that she is not coming back.

"I don't want to think about her or talk to her, I know nothing would be different", sounds like something that would come out of my mouth, and although I want it to be true more than anything, I know deep down it still isn't.

I think you hit the nail on the head here. My subconscious still believes there's some way it can be fixed. And since I haven't found anyone new that has created that same flare, there's nothing to distract it.

I don't know how to convince it though. I might not even want to on some level. And that's the problem

[Lifetime]

Same with me, friend.

[Hth]

I don't know if you will need that Reason to forget her( by convincing yourself that she's not coming back), time will heal everything. Here I'm 9 months after the break up, can flirt and feel happy with my life as he never existed. I don't remember how he looks like anymore... Uhmm!!

If she has another bf, maybe you can move on easier and faster. Because you won't want to take her back, will you?

Be strong! Xxx