Can't receive oral sex

[searock]

I have a problem with receiving oral sex. Due to negative experiences when I was younger, I can't get myself to just lay back and enjoy it, I always tense up and feel violated and disgusting. I hate the taste and scent when they kiss me, after, and I feel like they are disgusted as well, and just do it "cause they have to". It's just something that grosses me out: even if I physically enjoy it sometimes, I psychologically hate it, always. I know that I should probably get sexual therapy for this or something, but it's just not something I can do (or afford) right now.

On the other hand, I quite enjoy giving oral sex. I find it to be one of the most pleasurable parts of sex. If my partner told me that he didn't want to get oral sex from me, I'd be pretty disappointed.

My current partner (we are both 21) though doesn't seem to have a problem with it. We have been dating for about 3 months and haven't had actual sex yet, but things are getting more and more "steamy" in the bedroom. The last time, he tried to kiss me "down there" and I tensed up and stopped what I was doing, so he asked something like "you don't like it? it disgusts you?" and I said like "yeah, I mean, I feel like it's a bad thing for you" (it's the truth, just not all of it). He just smiled and said "it's ok, don't worry" and happily got on with what we were doing, I mean he really didn't seem to mind at all. But as I said, if he told me he didn't want to receive oral sex ever, I do think it would bother me a bit. Not to the point of breaking up with him or anything of course, or even to not enjoy sex, it's just that I'd feel like we'd be missing out on something real good. Actually, at least half the reason I haven't given him oral sex yet (not that he asked or anything, it's just that I'd like to) is that I'm afraid he would want to reciprocate.

So, how much do you think he won't actually mind? My ex boyfriend used to think that when I said I didn't like it, I just meant that I thought he didn't like it, so he would often try to impose it to me anyway (in attempts to prove to me that he liked it and wanted to pleasure me). Which I hated of course, I always had to stop him and stuff - or to endure it, which was obviously worse in the long run. I don't want that sort of situation with my current partner. I told him about my past, "traumatic" experiences as regards to sex, and he told him about his (we both had somewhat unusual experiences). We have great chemistry and communication on every level, and I really don't want to "ruin" it. If he were to impose oral sex to me, all the negative feelings would just come rushing back at me, and it would eventually ruin our sexual experiences together. I don't want that to happen, yet if I realize that he really wanted it, I'd feel bad and extremely guilty for denying it to him, and might eventually let him do it, even if it would feel horrible to me (not physically).

So yeah I'm just wondering how important is giving oral sex to you, and what could I do if I realized that it was a big deal to him (even if only as much as it is to me)?

[MerryH]

Don't ever do anything you're uncomfortable with. It's okay if you don't like receiving. Your partner should be respectful of that. Just talk to him. He was very understanding about it when he first tried (good on him, btw, for sensing your discomfort and stopping. Good guy.) He would probably rather be told your likes and dislikes rather than having you suffer through anything.

But as I said, if he told me he didn't want to receive oral sex ever, I do think it would bother me a bit.

Yeah, but if he told you that he's had bad experiences with it in the past, then you'd probably be understanding and respect that, right?

[Yet another guy]

I'm sorry to hear about your problem.
You should definitely explain the situation to him. He probably enjoys it and when you say "yeah, I mean, I feel like it's a bad thing for you", you're making the same mistake you did with your ex and he's probably going to try it again.
Since you are so intimate with each other, why not let him reciprocate with regular sex after you give him oral?

How much he'll mind, depends a lot on him.
To me personally, oral sex is very important since it's part of my er... fetish. I wouldn't refuse to have sex without it but I'd think twice before getting into a relationship with someone who didn't like it.

[MerryH]

To me personally, oral sex is very important since it's part of my er... fetish. I wouldn't refuse to have sex without it but I'd think twice before getting into a relationship with someone who didn't like it.

You're a virgin, right?

[Yet another guy]

You're a virgin, right?

Not since this summer. Wehee!

[MerryH]

Not since this summer. Wehee!

Ah. Well done, then.

[Yet another guy]

Thank you.

[searock]

Don't ever do anything you're uncomfortable with. It's okay if you don't like receiving. Your partner should be respectful of that. Just talk to him. He was very understanding about it when he first tried (good on him, btw, for sensing your discomfort and stopping. Good guy.) He would probably rather be told your likes and dislikes rather than having you suffer through anything.

Yeah, but if he told you that he's had bad experiences with it in the past, then you'd probably be understanding and respect that, right?

Thank you : ).
Yes, I would totally respect him. I would just be like "oh, I'm sorry to hear that, we could've had fun" but I would relate and understand, since I have the same problem, and we would find other ways to have fun together. I'm just sort of afraid that the same thing that happened with my ex happens with him as well. Which is why I'm going to make it clear as soon as possible that I really don't enjoy it and it makes me really uncomfortable, and it's not just because I think it disgusts him. He's used to a lot "worse" (his ex actually denied him anything sexual for like an year, before he finally broke up with her (not because of this reason)), and I just want him to feel good and comfortable with me, so I hate that I can't let him give me oral sex. I hope he won't be too disappointed . I am definitely not going to repeat the same mistakes I did with my ex though, forcing myself to do stuff I really didn't want to do. That ruined our relationship in the long run and it made me feel miserable a lot of times. With this guy it's different, I actually get to initiate stuff because he isn't constantly asking for some, nor does he take it for granted, I love it. He is very respectful and sweet, I feel sexually comfortable around him, for like the first time in my life. I reeeally hope this won't ruin it.

Yet another guy, thank you for replying. That's exactly what I'm afraid of - giving oral sex might be a big deal to him. It didn't seem like it, considering how he reacted when I told him I didn't feel comfortable with it, but even though he didn't show it, he might have actually thought "aw dammit I would've enjoyed that, I hope it's not for ever" or something. I don't want to deny him something he would enjoy just because I feel uncomfortable with it - yet I know that letting him do it even if I feel bad about it would only make things worse. I really hope it's just not a big deal to him (but I kind of think it is).

[bulrush]

Just explain enough to him that you don't like to receive oral. But don't leave him completely in the dark about why. Give him some info to help understand why you are they way you are. If you don't explain it, he will think you didn't like his technique, and he will feel awful and self-conscious about it. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

[searock]

Yeah, I definitely intend to explain everything to him . I just hope he won't be too disappointed..!

[vashti]

You are a very young girl, and I personally think you should try to fix this problem rather than simply accept it - not because of any reaction you may get from men about it, but because you are denying yourself one of life's greatest pleasures (assuming your partner knows what he is doing).

The good news is that I believe as you grow more comfortable in a relationship and more sexually confident, you will be less opposed to experiencing pleasure.

Do you orgasm during vaginal sex?

[searock]

You are a very young girl, and I personally think you should try to fix this problem rather than simply accept it - not because of any reaction you may get from men about it, but because you are denying yourself one of life's greatest pleasures (assuming your partner knows what he is doing).

The good news is that I believe as you grow more comfortable in a relationship and more sexually confident, you will be less opposed to experiencing pleasure.

Do you orgasm during vaginal sex?

Hehe, I hope you're right . Actually, I don't think I've ever reached orgasm during sex. I've always kinda thought it was not much of a big deal, as long as I enjoy sex itself. But lately I've been thinking that I would like to at least try it, lol. I think I'm on the right track, I now feel quite comfortable with sex in general, while I didn't, not entirely, in the past. But receiving oral... ugh I just have like an "obstacle", I always immediately tense up and feel real bad. It brings back horrible memories and feelings. I don't know how I can make it better, at least not without a LOT of time and experience between those memories and now, or without therapy. Any advice?

[vashti]

I think once you experience orgasms, you will be more receptive to engaging in any behaviors that are more likely to produce them.

When you have an orgasm during sex, you will be SURE you did - there is no mistaking it, so I think it is safe to say you haven't (yet).

I suggest you learn how to give yourself an orgasm, and then you will be better able to help your partner do it for you. And you will probably be less opposed to oral sex with time.

[searock]

Hm yeah actually I've been "working" on that lately XD. That's also why I think I'm on the right track. I feel a lot more comfortable with sex and "being pleasured" than I did in the past. Basically you're saying that once I get more comfortable with sex in general, I'll be less tense and worried about getting oral as well? Makes sense, I hope you're right :-)!

[vashti]

Hm yeah actually I've been "working" on that lately XD. That's also why I think I'm on the right track. I feel a lot more comfortable with sex and "being pleasured" than I did in the past. Basically you're saying that once I get more comfortable with sex in general, I'll be less tense and worried about getting oral as well? Makes sense, I hope you're right :-)!

Yes, that's what I'm saying darling. Don't give up hope yet, and don't put too much pressure on yourself to get it all right immediately. I don't think you are unusual at all for your age. It takes time and experience to learn how to do it all correctly, not to mention a good partner. I suggest when you feel very comfortable with your partner, you try to focus entirely on your own pleasure, and try to forget he is even there. Use him as your sex toy. I know this sounds selfish, but its not. Men love feeling like they can give a woman pleasure. There will be time for you to concentrate on him AFTER you get yours.