My sister is dating a loser. Me, my mom, and dad do NOT approve.

[Losername]

We've tried telling her that the guy is a loser, but she won't listen. She says she'll stop the relationship, but I found out, that she is lying, and still meets up with the guy.

She is madly in love with the guy, and its obvious the guy really likes my sister. My sister can do much better. The guy is a control freak, and extremely insecure with himself.

Under normal circumstances, I think my sister should learn on her own. She should learn the hard way. But there is a bigger problem at hand though.

My sister has NEVER had to struggle at all in her life. She is currently 25, and my Dad still supports her financially 100%. She doesn't have to work, and she has the luxury of studying at her own pace. So for such a long time, everything has come to her easy.

I just think its wrong for my sister to be living this way, in my parents house, and at the same time, disrespect them, by continuing to talk to this guy. If she wants to live off our Dad, then she is going to be treated like a child.

If she wants to move out right now, and try to sustain her own life with this guy, then in that case, Me, my Dad, and my Mom can't say anything.

Am I making sense here? Is my sister taking advantage of the situation? On one hand, she has the comfort of living at home, and having no stress in life. And on the other hand, she is seeing a guy that we all disapprove of. Is she spoiled?

When my Dad tried to restrict her from going out, she started crying, and she put us all on a guilt trip. I'm starting to not feel guilty anymore.

[thundersw]

This is just an amazing coincidence! I'm through an exact situation although my sister is 30 and has been married for 7 years, now divorced her husband which was a very nice guy and moved to parents house. Now she dates a total ass who's 31, who never had a job in his life and causes all sort of emotional trouble to my sister and indirectly to our family, still she won't leave him, although she also said she would. Our family also dissaproves it greatly.
I bet it's genetic on women to simply leave the group... just because this one has better looks than the precendent. We just decided to leave it to herself to decide and be responsible for her acts!
It pains me greatly as a brother to see my sister be dragged to the depths of self-esteem like this and drowned in bank debts. But this all due to her decisions.
My advice is to let it go, just drop it. She will learn, eventually, and be responsible for our acts is what makes up adults.
Good luck!

[thundersw]

I forgot. If your dad cuts her the financial help just for the basics (like food, personal higiene, etc) she will be forced to find a job to support her own things and take notice on what kind of society she lives and how it's the world out there.
It will do her much good.

[Losername]

I forgot. If your dad cuts her the financial help just for the basics (like food, personal higiene, etc) she will be forced to find a job to support her own things and take notice on what kind of society she lives and how it's the world out there.
It will do her much good.

To be quite honest, I know for a fact that my sister would be completely lost. In her mind, she thinks that everything comes easy. She lives in this fairy tale world, that things will be rosy. But life doesn't work that way. The guy she is dating has no real job. He works odd ends here and there. My sister on the other hand, is still studying, and has potential to move further in her career. Is she really gonna be the one to provide for this guy?

I think my dad should cut her off, but I'm very afraid of the results. It will leave my sister totally crushed, and she might not recover from the scar of my dad doing this. I say this, because my sister and dad are inseparable. She has such a close bond with my father. I won't lie this bond has been strained recently, because of the guy. But my sister is closest to my Dad.

I just don't know what to do. My Dad asks me for advice, and at this point, I don't know what to tell him anymore. This is really draining us all, me, my mom, my dad, AND my sister.

[thundersw]

I believe if do nothing, in your case, things will stay the same.
As long as she has everything, she will do nothing, she's 25 not exactly a teen!
Over-protection is as bad as no protection at all, I'm not telling to cut everything, just enough for her to understand she needs to have a source of income for her own needs. Maybe she'll value more the support her family provides.
Education is not something you only learn at school. That's my point of view, hope it helps.

[HeartIsAching]

Wow! It's none of your ****ing business!

What you think doesn't matter!

Go the hell away and let your sister make her own (adult) decisions and live her own (adult) life!

Holy crap... talk about your control freaks.

[Andariel]

It sounds to me that you are feeling jealous )because your sister has had it 'easy' whereas things may have been different for you so in a sense you want to punish her for that by trying to tell her how to live her life and who she can or cannot date.

It is up to your father to decide whether supporting her is for the best or not. If he feels that this is what he needs to do until she is able to stand on her own two feet then that is his business alone. Don't allow your envy to come between them. You may not like it and think it is unfair to you but every person is different. Perhaps you have better coping mechanisms and this is why you are able to be more independent whereas your sister is a different person who may be more needy emotionally.

You and your parents have no right to tell her who to date.She is not a child and although she is still supported financially by her family she is an adult and adults are able to make their own decisions. You would be doing more damage by telling her she is not 'allowed' to date this guy because that would be treating her like a child who is unable to make her own decisions so the belief that she can't take care of her self will get rooted into her mind even deeper.

You can only state your opinion but you cannot make demands. You have done that and she has chosen to remain with him. There is nothing more you can or should do in this case.She needs to learn from her own mistakes and you need to back off and focus on your own life instead.

[Losername]

It sounds to me that you are feeling jealous )because your sister has had it 'easy' whereas things may have been different for you so in a sense you want to punish her for that by trying to tell her how to live her life and who she can or cannot date.

It is up to your father to decide whether supporting her is for the best or not. If he feels that this is what he needs to do until she is able to stand on her own two feet then that is his business alone. Don't allow your envy to come between them. You may not like it and think it is unfair to you but every person is different. Perhaps you have better coping mechanisms and this is why you are able to be more independent whereas your sister is a different person who may be more needy emotionally.

You and your parents have no right to tell her who to date.She is not a child and although she is still supported financially by her family she is an adult and adults are able to make their own decisions. You would be doing more damage by telling her she is not 'allowed' to date this guy because that would be treating her like a child who is unable to make her own decisions so the belief that she can't take care of her self will get rooted into her mind even deeper.

You can only state your opinion but you cannot make demands. You have done that and she has chosen to remain with him. There is nothing more you can or should do in this case.She needs to learn from her own mistakes and you need to back off and focus on your own life instead.

Just want to first thank you for the reply.

I guess you are right. As her brother, I really should back off. And I think I am going to. It just sucks, because she is seeing someone who is not right for her. She is 25 years old, and is being devious and tells lies about where she is at, and who she is meeting. She'll still get friends to 'cover' for her, while she is at her boyfriends place. If she acts like a kid, then she should be treated like a kid. That's what I'm thinking.

Having said that, I have decided to back out, and let my parents deal with it. The problem is, that my parents take a lot of my advice. So I know I have influence is some of the decision they make.

My main point, is that both my Parents disapprove of this guy too. And my sister is living under their roof. So shouldn't she still be treated like a kid?

For example, if I was still living at home with my parents, I would be subjected to the 'house rules' (I'm 29 by the way). And I shouldn't complain about 'house rules', since I am living there. If my parents were ok with the guy she was dating, then I'm sure they wouldn't mind her hanging out with him. But they don't like the guy, and therefore, until my sister is completely independent, she should follow the 'house rules'. Right?

What if I tell my dad, to let her do what she wants, only if she is completely independent financially, and has her own place. Until then, she has to respect whatever our Parents tell her. Am I being too harsh?

I think ultimately, my sister has the best of both worlds right now. And she is 25 YEARS OLD! That is insane to me. She will never learn what it means to make a living, and how difficult it is these days. She has a strong social life (which includes boyfriend we don't approve of), and in addition, she is getting all the financial support from parents. The thing that hurts me, my dad, and mom the most, is that she LIES to us a lot. And I have caught her lying numerous times. She would say she is staying at a friends house, and then go spend a night with the guy.

I know that I should back out now. But my parents will still ask me for advice. What should I tell them? I can't bare to tell them to just let it go, because on one hand, they are giving her an extremely comfortable life, and on top of that, she is lying to my parents, to still meet this guy. What should I do?

[searock]

What if she lies because she knows that her family can't handle the truth, and would give her hell for it? It's more likely that she behaves like a kid because she keeps being treated as one, rather than the other way around.

You should think about your own life and let her and your parents figure things out. They are all adults.

[Andariel]

I appreciate you find her not working and essentially living off your parents at 25 unacceptable. Let's face it though: as searock said if you and your parents keep treating her like a child then she will behave like one because she will not be equiped to take care of herself and make her own decisions. As a result she will be made to feel like she has to resort to asking daddy and mummy for advice on how to live her life and money to support herself.

By interfering with her personal life you wll only be feeding this unhealthy image and this is a vicious cycle: you tell her what to do, she does it, as a result she does not trust herslef or feel secure enough in her own skin to go out there and make decisions and a living on her own. Do you see my point? The more you control someone the more you make them feel insecure about themselves and their abilities and as a result they remain in a childlike state of mind. She is as much at fault here as your parents and perhaps they are more so to blame because they are reinforcing the 'child' image through their need to control aspects of her life by telling her y'you are living under our roof, we own you, therefore you have no personality and we will tell you what is best for you because you are a child and cannot be responsible for yourself'.

Your parents need to realise that although she is living in their house she is an adult and she is entitled to make her own decisions about her social and dating life. Making demands on her when they know she is in a vulnerable state is manipulative and callous. If they want to help her stand on her own feet and take responsibility for herself they need to have a calm discussion with her and during that discussion to mention that she is an adutl and they believ she is able to make her own decisions (as such they will respect that she wants to date this guy) and they believe she is smart and capable enough to find a job and start suporting herself. They should together set a deadline by which she needs to have found a job and make a list of the steps she needs to take to find one (ie. register with a job agency, attend interviews etc).

Making demands and forbidding her doing things she wants to do will only make things worse for her. She needs to be supported in a constructive way that will help her believe in herself rather than be made to feel useless and incapable of being her own person.

[Losername]

Your parents need to realise that although she is living in their house she is an adult and she is entitled to make her own decisions about her social and dating life. Making demands on her when they know she is in a vulnerable state is manipulative and callous. If they want to help her stand on her own feet and take responsibility for herself they need to have a calm discussion with her and during that discussion to mention that she is an adutl and they believ she is able to make her own decisions (as such they will respect that she wants to date this guy) and they believe she is smart and capable enough to find a job and start suporting herself. They should together set a deadline by which she needs to have found a job and make a list of the steps she needs to take to find one (ie. register with a job agency, attend interviews etc).

Once again, thanks for your incredibly informative post!

I have thought about this, and have occasionally advised my dad to do this. For example, currently my Dad pays for her Phone service (Internet is house wifi), and he obviously pays for her food/living. The food and living thing doesn't bother my dad one bit, and tbh, neither does the Phone bill. But if my sister wants to get to that next level, and if she is confident in herself with the guy she is with, then we should encourage her work her way to becoming independent.

So I suppose it starts with a job? She is still studying right now. She will be done in about beginning of next year. But she has the luxury of not having to work up until then. So should my Dad tell her that, he will support her in every way possible, as long as she stays 100% focused on getting her degree, and then finding a job. And then after that, she can do what she wants.

[searock]

Your dad should do whatever he feels like doing. So does your sister. It's really not up to you.

[Andariel]

Sorry, I didn't realise she was still studying.That makes things a bit more complicated! I think your idea about making it clear that she will be supported until she finishes her degree at the beginning of the year and then she will need to find a job is good. It gives her plenty of time to plan for the future and putting some reasonable pressure like that will help her realise that this is not a permanent situation-she will need to find a job and support herself.Let's also not forget that there plenty of students out there who study and work part-time as well and this is something she could consider as well.

Just like your parents need to back off from controlling her, she needs to realise she has to take responsibility for herself and of course finding a job and becoming financially independent is paramount to that. People can be very immature when they have someone else holding their hand and knowing that their parents are taking care of everything and tthus feeling like they can go out and have fun without a care in the world.Once they get a job and they start having to pay for rent and bills things change; they mature and it is then that they are able to view that some things they have been doing or certain people they chose to allow in their lives are not good for them. If this guy is no good , I'm sure she will realise it sooner or later. The more you try to control this the more he becomes 'the forbidden fruit' that needs to be pursued even more. She might also view staying with him as her rebellion against parental authority.This is why it is important to let this go.

Also, make sure that when your parents have this discussion with her they don't present working and supporting herself as punishment for staying with this guy. She can stay with this guy but regardless of that she is an adult and she has to start supporting herself in order to become independent.

[Losername]

Your dad should do whatever he feels like doing. So does your sister. It's really not up to you.

I've decided to stay out of this. At least directly. I'm not gonna get involved when my parents talk to my sister, or when my sister talks to my parents. But if my Dad, Mom, or Sister ask me for advice or anything, I'll tell them my opinion. But that is all.

But you are right, I have been more active than I should have been. As of now, I'm gonna not get myself involved as much.

Sorry, I didn't realise she was still studying.That makes things a bit more complicated! I think your idea about making it clear that she will be supported until she finishes her degree at the beginning of the year and then she will need to find a job is good. It gives her plenty of time to plan for the future and putting some reasonable pressure like that will help her realise that this is not a permanent situation-she will need to find a job and support herself.Let's also not forget that there plenty of students out there who study and work part-time as well and this is something she could consider as well.

Just like your parents need to back off from controlling her, she needs to realise she has to take responsibility for herself and of course finding a job and becoming financially independent is paramount to that. People can be very immature when they have someone else holding their hand and knowing that their parents are taking care of everything and tthus feeling like they can go out and have fun without a care in the world.Once they get a job and they start having to pay for rent and bills things change; they mature and it is then that they are able to view that some things they have been doing or certain people they chose to allow in their lives are not good for them. If this guy is no good , I'm sure she will realise it sooner or later. The more you try to control this the more he becomes 'the forbidden fruit' that needs to be pursued even more. She might also view staying with him as her rebellion against parental authority.This is why it is important to let this go.

Also, make sure that when your parents have this discussion with her they don't present working and supporting herself as punishment for staying with this guy. She can stay with this guy but regardless of that she is an adult and she has to start supporting herself in order to become independent.

thanks a lot for all your help. you seriously have provided some new options which haven't been tried. it will be difficult trying to get my parents on board with these ideas, but i'll try. i think that they are fair, and my sister will truly feel what it means to live with the pressures of life. this guy doesn't contribute anything, in terms of being financially stable. i doubt they could ever move in with each other. and if they did, they would live a miserable life - because right now, everything is cosy for them - my dad pays for my sister, and this guy works odd jobs here and there. apparently he has some kind of business that he's setting up - who knows!

thanks again!

[Losername]

One more thing before I forget!

I like the idea of the timeline thing. I think my sister is on board (I had a quick chat with her). Later this week, I'll get a chance to talk to my parents, and get them on board too. And then hopefully my sister and parents could have a civil discussion. I think tis a great idea, and the only way that both my sister and parents could come to an agreement.

Its funny, my sister was so quick to agree, but she has NO IDEA of the value of money. She has no idea how difficult it is. I swear, she is a lucky kid, and everything has been handed to her. She hasn't had to work for herself. I think she is in for a big surprise, if this goes through.

The question I have, is what happens if my sister DOES get her degree, but she is not ready to move out? What do you do then? And what happens the timeline passes, and she doesn't complete her coursework, and therefore can't apply for jobs or schedule interviews? I know my sister very well, and I'm sure she might delay things until it suits her.

And during this time where she is still studying, are my parents wrong to not let her see the guy? Should she finish her coursework, and find a job first, be completely independent, have some financial knowledge, rent her own place, and THEN do what she wants, and see whoever she wants to see? Or is that not right?