Should I allow smoking to ruin our love?

[freespirit24]

I first met my girlfriend 2 years ago... I met her organicly in a bar, introduced via a work collegue friend.

Nothing happened that first evening but I really fancied her... I said to my friend 'I would marry her right now without any further discussion!'... that's how sure I was that she was the girl of my dreams. I have always been in-secure and unconfident that I could ever get the girl of my dreams because I can be so awkward around girls, especially when I find them attractive.

Thankfully I had been seeking help with my confidence and reading advice on dating girls ( I have to admit, Double Your Dating really helped me with the subtleties of boosting attraction at that time ).

We got together after a few meetings and it unrolled into a beautiful love, filled with passion and fun... she really was everything I wanted... She was the easiest girl I have ever met, so secure in herself, very affectionate, hot in bed, funny, no emotional problems... loved going out, got on with my friends, everything was perfect...except for her smoking.

She was 22 when I met her.She had nice young skin and looked pretty hot. She smoked about 10 per day on a normal day. At first I just accepted this as I was blinded by my love for her... and I have always been a casual smoker (smoke when drinking) so it didn't seem a huge problem. It was about 6 months in to the relationship I started to question her smoking habit. I realised how strongly addicted she was and how little she seemed to care about the dangers of smoking. She admitted she had not gone a day without smoking since she was 14. I was quite disgusted by this.

About 6 months in, I started to notice those tell tale signs that smoking is damaging her... the dark circles under the eyes, the dull-grey-yellow complexion when no make-up is on, the very early signs that skin losing its elasticity around the eyes and mouth...

I started to pester her to stop smoking when I noticed these things and when I realised just how addicted she was. She smoked deeply too which angered me and did that horrible frown smokers do to avoid the smoke hitting their eyes (this later causes deep frown lines - not good). I admit, I have an obsessive issue with skin, because I had acne when I was younger and have been obsessively observant about skin damage ever since.

I wanted her to stop smoking, purely to preserve her looks, because I knew that if she didn't stop, she would look like a hag by the time she is 30. Sadly I am so shallow that I cannot love someone who looks too old at 30.

As a subtle push to drop the smoking I started mentioning how smoking damages skin and makes people, especially white girls, look old before their time. I believe it to be very wrong that this is NOT mentioned on cigarette packets. So many girls have lost their youth before they are 30 thanks to smoking. They don't tell you that on the packet because that would actually stop girls probably and cigarette companies and govournments don't want you to stop.

So now she is 24, she cut down smoking a lot and stopped completely for a few weeks several times. Still smokes though.

We moved into a flat together and we were living the dream of comfortable co-habitation with someone you really get on with and love.

Secretly however, I started to realise that I didn't find her as hot as I used to. This really scared me, I did not want my feelings to change about this girl, she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I just can't help it though. When we are out in broad daylight I can't help but notice the skin on her face is prematurely damaged... her eyelids have little wrinkles on them that developed in the last year, when she smiles she has deepish crows-feet around her eyes that remain visible afterwards and generally her skin looks pale and unhealthy.

I'm so bad at hiding my emotions, I kept getting moody as I pondered whether I found her attractive any more...she asked me what is wrong the other day... I blurted out all those things "smoking has damaged your face, you've got wrinkles round your eyes ... blah blah blah and your only 24" Of course she got very upset, and went and smoked a packet of cigarettes to herself.

I feel like such a horrible person now, I should not have said anything probably but my thinking was that 'if I scare her about her skin, it may be the turning point in her stopping smoking'...

Now, I don't know what to do, should I carry on going out with this girl based on the fact that our personalities get on very well and we can have so much fun and I still find her reasonable attractive and if she stops smoking now she'll probably be ok?

Or should I be shallow and throw it all away because I feel her looks have deteriorated and will only deteriorate further?

[Andariel]

Sounds like you are suffering from OCD. Her smoking habit is not the real issue here and I would advise you to find a therapist who can help you overcome this unhealthy obession you have with people's skin in general.

Also, if you are so shallow as to be willing to end what you describe as a great relationship with the girl of your dreams purely because her skin might not look as flawless as you had hoped it would then what can I say, she will be lucky to get rid of you. If you had acne I bet your skin doesn't look very nice and is probably worse than hers so trying to make her feel bad about her skin (regardless of the reason behind it) is really poor form.

I am amazed she hasn't dumped someone who not only does not make her feel like the most beautiful girl in the world but tries to put her down supposedly because he is worried about her health when in actual fact he is worried she might not look as hot a few years down the line. Pah!!!!

[searock]

The very fact that you are considering leaving her because of something like this is an indicator that you are not so in love with her. Besides, if you are no longer attracted to her, there's not much of a point in continuing the relationship, is there. I mean it's not like you have kids or are married or anything.

[freespirit24]

Ok, fair advice Andarial, thanks. I probably do have OCD or something... It drives me mad thinking about my skin all the time. It is not like I normally think about other people's skin, just mine. Until I got this girlfriend and moved in with her, then I thought about her skin too. I have battled with depression and feeling 'uncomfortable in my own skin' ever since I got acne over 10 years ago. Before that I was a happy-go-lucky boy. I do have some rough skin from acne but much worse is the premature lines from smoking / or maybe serious sunburn I once got when I was 12. I am 29 and people often think I am under 25 but that doesn't detract from what I see in the mirror. When I got this girlfriend it made me forget about all that rubbish and feel attractive and confident. Then slowly but surely, it has all come back to square one, but worse because someone else is involved.

I know it's awful but I can't help the fact that I'm male and sexually attracted primarilly by looks...

I know it sounds so awful, I deserve to lose her after saying those things.

I do still find her sexually attractive but just not as certain about her as I used to be. I wish I wasn't like this. She is probably the best girlfriend I'll ever find but sadly the shallowness of man inside is prevailing at the moment.

[Andariel]

From what you are saying it does not appear that the real reason behind this is 'male shallowness'.

You need to realise that regardless of whether someone is a smoker or not, as the years go by people change, they get wrinkles, brown spots from sun exposure, their skin is not as elastic as when they were younger etc. It is called ageing process and it happens to everyone. Your gf cannot look like she did a few years ago and this is not going to change for the better.

You are essentially projecting your own obession/insecurities onto her and that is extremely unfair and can be damaging to her own image of herself: when you feel good about the way you look but have someone in your life who constantly puts you down with direct or indirect jibes about the way you look, eventually you might start believing that crap. That is why I said she will be better off without you. If you can't appreciate her and are making her feel bad about herself because you project what you perceive as your shortcomings/flaws onto her then you will cause her to feel bad about herself and that is an awful and extremely selfish thing to do.

When an idea turns into obession and starts interfering with our lives it is tme to take proactive action to tackle the problem. Cognitive behavioural therapy is very helpful in learning how to cope with these ideas and overcoming them in the long run and not allowing them to rule our lives.

[searock]

I agree with Andariel, you should probably get therapy for this fixation you have on skin.

I don't think that you are being shallow when you consider breaking up with a girl you are not attracted to anymore. It happens. It's wrong that you worry about her looks more than you do about her health. Regardless, if you don't find her attractive anymore, you should break up with her.

[freespirit24]

I realise that everyone gets older and skin ages eventually, regardless of lifestyle. I am totally fine with people ageing naturally. I don't like those fakers who have plastic flawless complexions aged 50. What I am not fine with is seeing the signs of ageing you expect in you 30's to happen in the early 20's. I just find it really depressing... I never, ever ever expected as a teenager that this would be something I would think about and battle with all through my 20's. As a teeneager no girls took me seriously because I looked like a 12 year old when I was 17! People said 'you'll have the last laugh, you'll look young while everyone else is getting old'. Well that turned out to be bullshit.

[searock]

If it is such a big deal to you, just break up with her, get therapy, and eventually find someone you're comfortable with.

[Benni]

oh. my. god.

I've smoked for 35 years and didn't get any wrinkles/bad skin until my 40's- natural aging process. You can't judge someone's looks based on that theory.

[Wakeup]

What a hoot... I think you're a control freak and because she continues to smoke when you'lve asked her not to, you're now losing attraction for her because you're not getting your way, the skin thing sounds suspect at best. She's young so I doubt anyone but you are seeing these signs of aging from smoking. If the symptoms are as bad as you paint them out to be then get her to the doctor because I'd say she's lacking in some vitamins or something.

Is there anythng else that you try to control like the way she dresses, who she goes out with, who her friends are etc? Just asking a question, no need to get defensive.

Anyway, you knew she smoked yet you continued to go out with her hoping that you could change her and now that you can't, well the chit has hit the fan so to speak.

Figure it out, either you stay with (because you love her) and you quit trying to control her habit, because believe me, you nagging her will NOT help her to stop. She has to want to do it on her own. Or: You leave now and find a non-smoker. I suggest you quit smoking while your drinking if you get with a non-smoker because she won't like you smoking either.

[freespirit24]

Thanks for your advice, it was helpful. 'Wakeup' you are right, perhaps I am a controller, I do filter how her hair is as I love it when it's down but dislike it when it is tied back in pony tail and I love certain clothes of hers but do not like others. I don't control, I just give my honest opinion. I definitely do not filter who she can have as friends or anything like that.

I'm realising the errors of my ways, and that no matter what the situation I should never criticise a girl's skin, there's no excuse and I will never do it again. And if I do not fancy her any more then I should leave, and not mention the exact reasons why.

For the moment my heart is still with her and I made a massive apology for my behaviour, citing moments of madness but recognising she does not need to forgive me as it is fairly unforgivable. I do honestly still find her attractive just I have that rediculous obsession with perfection that needs to die. I have booked myself to see a therapist and doctor. The doctor prescribed me anti-depressants which I am very wary of. I asked her lot's of questions about them and she made out like they are fine and only beneficial. Now I've been doing research on internet and lot;s of people saying they can make you worse / dependent on them / have terrible side-effects such as lethargy and anxiety. SO I refuse to take them. I will do therapy though.

Thanks again, this seems like a forum with some wise people posting on it.