Is he in love with me?

[searock]

Hey guys, I really could do with your opinions on my situation. It's a bit long, I tried to stuff in all the potentially useful details, sorry for that..!

So. I have been dating my best friend for about 3 months (we are both about to turn 22). We have amazing chemistry and get along perfectly, both emotionally and physically. We have both came out of long term relationships in the past 4 months. I broke up a month before I started dating him and he broke up two months after he started dating me (he was in a long distance relationship and hadn't been seeing her since months, nor did he talk on the phone with her (she didn't want to), they just texted each other like once a week in a completely friendly way, their relationship was already over it just needed to be "formalized", which he did as soon as she finally agreed to meet him).

So the point is, neither of us wants to jump into a new "serious" relationship too fast. We've been best friends for 2 years and a half, we are more like soul mates. So it's not like we don't care enough for each other or need to get to know each other better. We just want to take things really slow, especially since we both care for this so much and don't want to risk making the same mistakes we did in the past.

The problem is, I am in love with him. And I don't really know whether he is in love with me. I don't want to say "he is my boyfriend and I am his girlfriend" because I would feel a bit suffocated by it, and I don't want to risk ruining it by feeling uncomfortable over something so trivial as a definition. At first I thought it was the same for him, but then the subject somehow came up and I realized that for him it's different - he doesn't want to say I'm his girlfriend and he's my boyfriend because he only says that when he's 100% sure he's in love. So basically we both don't want to call ourselves bf-gf, but for opposite reasons: I am too much in love with him and don't want to ruin it, and he isn't sure he is in love with me.

The reason I am not entirely convinced that he is not in love with me is that I know him and I know he is very insecure and afraid of messing things up. Especially after what happened with his ex - they had been together for 4 years, but for over an year and a half he's been having feelings for me (1 year and 3 months before we started dating). Yet he kept sticking to his feelings for her and did everything he could to convince himself that he was still in love with her and everything. I mean it's not like they were married or anything, yet he still went through this huge struggle against himself, for that ridiculously long amount of time. He tried so hard to deny his feelings for me, and to affirm his feelings for her, that I can totally see why now he would be having such a hard time admitting he was in love with me. He probably is also afraid of not being able to "keep his word" or something. He somehow can't accept that you just don't decide who you are in love with, he has extreme guilt issues over this.
I know all this for a fact. Yet maybe it's got nothing to do with the fact that he isn't in love with me, and mine is just wishful thinking.

Even though we don't say stuff like "I love you" or "I am in love you", he knows that I'm in love with him because I have told him explicitly once in the past (before we started dating), and because of our recent discussions about our relationship (I never used the word "Love" but made it quite clear what I meant). He says he's "hopeful" and "positive" about our relationship, and that he feels like it has the potential to become real love material, he just needs more time. Whenever we talk about the future and place ourselves in it, we are definitely still together. I even tried asking him whether it was best he took some time for himself to figure things out, but he insisted he wanted to keep dating me even during the process, since he knew it would not have harmed our relationship in any way (we actually had quite a fight over this, I had made up my mind to not go out with him until he had everything clear).

I have also decided not to have "complete" sex until we at least discuss our relationship stance. We are basically a couple, all that's missing is the label. It's not a big deal per se (I actually prefer it this way), but it is a big deal because for him it's like saying that he isn't in love with me. I don't want to make the same mistakes I did in the past, especially not with him. I won't have sex with him unless I'm sure that I'm in love with him and he's in love with me.

Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation? How did it evolve? What are your opinions on this "story"? Thank you for reading : )

[Mathias]

It's a tough spot.

First of all, a lot of respect to you for wanting to be in a loving relationship before having sex. That's great. I'm not the same way, but understand and appreciate that.

Here's the problem. Once you tell the guy that's what you need, that's going to be his goal - no matter how he actually feels. Be aware of that.

[mwahahaha]

Tough spot my arse. Your bf sounds like hes in the closet. Tread carefully with this comedian.

[Wakeup]

I didn't have sex with my now husband until I was sure that he loved me. I knew my own feelings for him so that wasn't an issue however I'm not in his head so I waited until he showed me in actions that he valued me before we had, as you say, "complete sex." Had we not lasted then I knew I'd not regret a thing since his actions showed he appreciated and respected me and as time went on, actions showed he loved me before he actually said the words. 30 years later, we're still showing each other in actions that we love one another. The words "I love you" are much appreciated but I'm thinking they are just supplemental to the actions which are the important thing.

Best wishes.

[searock]

It's a tough spot.

First of all, a lot of respect to you for wanting to be in a loving relationship before having sex. That's great. I'm not the same way, but understand and appreciate that.

Here's the problem. Once you tell the guy that's what you need, that's going to be his goal - no matter how he actually feels. Be aware of that.

Thank you for your reply.

Yeah, I've thought about that, and I'm kind of worried about it too. I don't want to even just risk rushing him. I want him to say he's in love with me only when and if he's ready, when he spontaneously, independently feels that way.

On the other hand, I don't want it to seem like I'm blackmailing him, pressuring him, or anything. It's totally not my point: I don't want to "force" him into falling in love with me, it wouldn't make any sense. But I'm afraid it might come off as if that's what I was trying to do (this option is actually more worrying than the first one...).

So yeah I still haven't told him, but as time goes by it (naturally) gets more difficult to just stick to foreplay when we are intimate. Not that he's pushing me or anything, I am just starting to feel a bit guilty myself - I think I owe him at least an explanation. Yet I'm afraid of those two things..! I wish he could just make up his mind...

[searock]

I didn't have sex with my now husband until I was sure that he loved me. I knew my own feelings for him so that wasn't an issue however I'm not in his head so I waited until he showed me in actions that he valued me before we had, as you say, "complete sex." Had we not lasted then I knew I'd not regret a thing since his actions showed he appreciated and respected me and as time went on, actions showed he loved me before he actually said the words. 30 years later, we're still showing each other in actions that we love one another. The words "I love you" are much appreciated but I'm thinking they are just supplemental to the actions which are the important thing.

Best wishes.

Thank you for replying. I agree with you.

Thing is: 1) he is my best friend, was since way before we started dating, and I know that he loves me, cares for me and respects me as a person; 2) he has been showing me with actions and behaviors that he is in love with me for an year and a half (with on and offs due to his gf, though not in the last couple of months). And in all this time, he has never once explicitly accepted his feelings. It makes me feel doubtful and hurt, and he knows it. What I'm saying is that it would actually be an action, for him to say and admit and express to the world, but most importantly to himself, that he is in love with me. Until he does, I can never be 100% sure, because of the way he's acted in the past... (i.e. he would treat me like he was head over heels with me, then he would return to his gf and *magically* "change his mind" for a couple of weeks, then return to the town we live in again and be all cold and distant for 10 days max and then inevitably get back "to me" etc...).

I need to see that now he is constant and determined to be with me and to love me... him saying the words wouldn't obviously be enough (it takes time), but it would definitely be a huge first step in that direction... He is always so insecure about his feelings, it would mean so much to me if he for once took a stand!

[Wakeup]

Thats the chance you take when you are becoming emotionally involved with someone who hasn't yet processed their break up. He's conflicted, confused at least he was then. This is now and I think if you can treat this a relationship as if it is just now starting and is new (forget about when he was still with her and emotionally with you as well) if you can do that, then you will eventually get what you want from him. You know yourself that he is insecure about his feelings so try to relax and enjoy your exclusive relationship one day at a time. I suspect he'll "take a stand" soon enough when it comes naturally.

[searock]

Thank you. I really hope you're right : ). It's true, I should focus on the present without thinking back about that crazy period. Sometimes I get caught up in the bad memories and feel insecure myself as to what to do with him. He's treated me pretty bad in the past. But as you said, this is the chance I took, and I knew it from the start. I'd take it again, this relationship is one of the best things that's happened to me lately : ). I just hope I won't have to wait for ever..!

[MaidenMinx]

My husband actually spent the first year of our relationship telling me he didn't love me. He told me the first time I told him I love him that he had told his ex he loved her before he felt it and didn't want to make that same mistake again. We were completely sexual within the first week of being together (and I was pregnant after we'd been together 7 months.. whoops. ) but it still took him a while to be able to say those words. I never doubted he would eventually love me and always respected his honesty.

[searock]

My husband actually spent the first year of our relationship telling me he didn't love me. He told me the first time I told him I love him that he had told his ex he loved her before he felt it and didn't want to make that same mistake again. We were completely sexual within the first week of being together (and I was pregnant after we'd been together 7 months.. whoops. ) but it still took him a while to be able to say those words. I never doubted he would eventually love me and always respected his honesty.

Thank you for your reply. It very much relates to my situation (the first part at least). I actually, deep down, always believed it about my best friend, too. That's why I never gave up on him even during all this time. It's just that sometimes I wonder whether the fact that I actually believe in something that he won't even admit to himself is just because I'm waay too naive and silly-little-girl. Sometimes it's hard to always having to carry all the weight, without at least getting doubts. Guh I feel stupid even just writing this, lol.

[MaidenMinx]

Doubts just need to be put in their place. They don't ever go away completely they just lose their power.

[searock]

I hope you're right!