Here we go..

**Plumcore** · 22-09-11, 02:42 AM

I'm not even sure how to start this. I guess the best way is to say "Hello" so...Hello. I am a 23 year old, student with, what i feel is a serious issue. I'm not even sure where to post the whole thing, even if i did browse through the forums. Might as well say it here, and maybe you kind people can direct me.

My problem is i feel as though i can't fall in love. I can't even say if the biggest thing i felt, about 3 years ago was love or infatuation, but i can say that i feel it has changed me for the worst. It ended up in flames, it almost managed to destroy 4 years of self confidence buildup in a 4 month span. And regardless of how many other people i have dated, how long it lasted, i have yet to feel as i did then, and because of that ending up hurting guys, who quite frankly did not deserve it.

I really feel as though i should just give up on the whole thing, because i'd rather stay alone and miserable than make one awesome guy miserable.

That's the very very SHORT version of it. ...aaaand i'll leave it at that for now, until i figure out where to post the more in depth thing.

**smackie9** · 22-09-11, 03:26 AM

Just because a guy is awesome doesn't mean you should be in love with them. Dear it's just the fact they don't do it for you....no chemistry. This is the thing about human nature....falling in love is a hit or miss. It can never be forced or be predictable.

**Plumcore** · 22-09-11, 05:59 AM

Yes but in a lot of the cases there was some chemistry, it just died out as soon as we dated for more than a month or so. And a lot of the times it only died for me, which meant i had to be the one to end it, because i felt it is not fair to keep things going if i could not give them what they put in.

Because of this i never really enjoyed being intimate either, it never felt pleasant for me, so i avoided it.

Is it normal?

**smackie9** · 22-09-11, 10:10 AM

Depression........

**Plumcore** · 22-09-11, 04:00 PM

Depression?

**smackie9** · 22-09-11, 10:15 PM

If you feel after a few months with someone things die off, how do you feel? Do you feel unsatisfied? Restless? What about other things in your life, like, is there a lot of stress? Do you, sometimes feel you are not going anywhere? Do you fear you will be unsuccessful in your future? Do you fear of being alone? Has it always been this way with you? If not, what was going on in your life when this did all start?

**romantic_guy** · 23-09-11, 01:52 AM

Plumcore, I am really sorry that you are in this state of life right now. It seems to me that you need to see a counselor who can help you straighten this out. None of us know what things are in your background that contribute to your feelings, but this can change with the right help. Before you can enter a relationship that will work, you need to become emotionally healthy, or at least be on that road. I might recommend the book "Ten days to Self Esteem" which has very little to do with self esteem and much to do with becoming healthy. There is a saying (from AA actually) that says insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. I hope you can get the help you need!

**Plumcore** · 23-09-11, 03:54 AM

@Smackie I feel guitly, i feel defective, like a screwed wire in my head that just refuses to work. I sometimes get down, but mostly im so busy with school i don't notice things like being alone, too tired and too worked up. That feeling of loneliness only comes by in breaks, when my friends leave town and im stuck here with no one around to go out with. My biggest fear IS actually ending up alone, like the lonely old cat lady...even if i do love cats.

I think there was a time before uni where i did get attached, and i did get all those butterflies and dizziness and stuff. Once i entered uni, i went through a series of relationships that ended with me being dumped online, when the guy lived in the same town. But i think what really put the plug in was that one relationship i mentioned in the OP, where it started great and it turned to me not looking the right way, not reacting the right way, not doing the right things. I was so into this guy i tried to do my best and please him, and in the end, it was all for nothing, when he ended it with a text message. The worst thing was that i almost lost my virginity to him, but because i was not doing the "right" thing, he told me to get up, get dressed and get out, before anything happened.

After this i placed him in a no contact area, meaning i made damn sure not to see him at all, which was a challenge since we were in the same uni. But relationships were never the same afterwards. At first i sort of denied myself to get too attached too fast, and then when i noticed it came easy, i was happy...but now it's more of a curse than anything. It is incredibly difficult to be with someone who loves you and you can't give them the same thing..I don't know if im depressed. I'm generally a social person, with friends, i laugh a lot and enjoy going out and such...just..fail relationship wise.

@romantic_guy I will look up that book, but the counselor part is not really a viable option, one for lack of funds, and two, in my country people don't go to see a counselor unless it is something extremely serious. I know it may sound childish of me, but from what i gathered, counselors here don't really counsel, but give an array of pills...and that's it.

Thank you both for replying.

**smackie9** · 23-09-11, 05:42 AM

Part of your problem is that you were disillusioned on how relationships, reacting to them, etc should be. Sounds like you grew up, being told you should wait for prince charming, fall in love, and he tenderly takes your virginity, but only to find out its all a sham. This is what you are having trouble coming to terms with. Here you are, an adult, still a virgin (I'm assuming), and still haven't found your one true love, or even if he really exists.

Yes your perception, and how to act in a relationship needs adjustment in order for you to reach your goal.

Your first mistake is over doing it. You go so out of your way to please them, you do set yourself up to be take advantage of. Since you were falling into this pattern, later on when you got to that point in a relationship where you gave your heart over, you run in fear you would be taken advantage again.

**Plumcore** · 23-09-11, 05:50 AM

I'm not still a virgin, that went away with someone i did trust, and i do not regret it. But i have to admit i have only been intimate about 3 times in my life, first time included. I know he does not exist, and there is no such thing as prince charming. Growing up, my parents have been married 29 years and still counting. But i have come to realise my dad is FAR from perfect, so i know there is no such thing as a perfect thing.

But i see my friends with guys, and they are tottaly happy go lucky in love, and...i don't get it. I just..don't understand it. I always try to compromise when one can be reached, or demand when it's something i care for. But it leads to him falling and me...just nothing more than one would feel for a close friend they happen to kiss and hug.

**smackie9** · 23-09-11, 05:57 AM

Well maybe you are just dating them because they are there hoping you will feel something later.

**smackie9** · 23-09-11, 06:00 AM

When I was a teenager, my relationships only lasted about 2 weeks. I really liked them gungho and stuff at the beginning, but it frittered out very quickly. Maybe be you should be more picky, and if you don't fall head over heels for them within a couple of weeks, just bail out instead of trying to force your heart to fall in love.

**Plumcore** · 23-09-11, 06:01 AM

Maybe..honestly that makes me feel incredibly selfish. Like im using them as guinea pigs or something.

Maybe i should. I'm about to leave the country for a masters next year anyway..might just be too busy to even try anything. I do want to..fix whatever is wrong with me, i hate being like this.

**WilliamForrest** · 23-09-11, 11:30 AM

Hi there!
welcome to the forum.. Enjoy your stay here..

**smackie9** · 23-09-11, 01:13 PM

Well maybe you do have so much on your plate right now maybe you are being pulled in too many directions, but hey who said you had to find something solid, why not just enjoy casual dating to give yourself a break from your busy schedule instead?

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