I've been too possessive with this girl and might ave ruined things. What do i do?

[timmytimmy]

I met this girl a few months ago while traveling around europe. we kept in contact and met up a few more times before she had to go home. she's from brazil and im from ireland. we decided that we really liked each other and that we should keep in contact. after she got home we would talk on fb everyday, usually for a couple of hours and skype as well. we just got on great and had fun.

as it happens i was planning a trip to south america with some friends later this year. so i suggested i come and visit her. she was delighted. anyway a few weeks ago i booked. and suddenly everything changed. i felt under huge pressure. i wanted to plan everything and make everything perfect. i also got extremely insecure that she would forget about me. i started hounding her with messages and texts, going crazy if she wouldnt reply or wouldnt skype. i think i just needed some reassurance because this was a big deal for me. she is in the middle of any extremely hectic final year in college and i wasnt giving her any space. i could see i was driving her away. she was clearly getting annoyed with me and became more distant. i just got so stressed and i could see she was stressing too. i turned something that was fun into something horrible.

the other night she said she wasnt sure if she felt the same way anymore and maybe meeting up wasnt such a good idea. she said she didnt want me to waste all this money on coming to see her. i can completely understand why. i dont like the person i was becoming either. the thing is that this is really not me. the guy she met and liked is still here. i was always completely myself with her and this is why we got on so well at the start. i just want her to understand this. anyway when she told me all this the other night i explained that i was going to be over there, its all booked and id still really like to meet. i told her i would have no expectations and we should just have some fun together. she agreed to this but im worried things wont be the same. i havent explained all this to her properly yet and havent talked to her since. i just want to give her some space now, something i should have done all along. i feel i have ruined things between us. i know the mistakes i have made and this wont ever be happening again. if it wasnt for the long distance factor it would have never happened in the first place. is there anyway to rectify this. is it possible she can see past this and see the guy she first fell for. she must still have some feeling for the real me. can she give m a second chance

i would really appreciate someones input. thanks so much

[Wakeup]

You had a fling and now you have more feelings for her than she does for you.
I don't understand why so many people consider summer/travel flings more than that.. a fling.. whether plantonic or not? Don't contact her and distance yourself from her so that you help yourself to become a little more indifferent to her romantically then when you go to see her you won't have these longing feelings to be with her for more than friendship.

Long distance relationships rarely work even when there is a solid foundation prior to the couples becoming long distance. Expecting to maintain a relationship with someone you had zero foundation (other than a fling) with is near to impossible. Back off, and just talk to her a couple of weeks prior to your departure to let her know the flight you'll be arriving on, the time you'll land etc and if she'll be picking you up or should you just call her when you arrive at your hotel. If you expect anymore than friendship you'll find yourself hurt so don't go there.

[timmytimmy]

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate what you are saying but I think you've got the wrong idea. The feelings were always one hundred percent mutual. It might have been a fling but we would talk for a few hours everyday for months. I just started thinking to much when i booked the trip and freaked out a little. It was an unfamiliar situation and i acted stupidly. Everyone makes mistakes. I dont really talk about private stuff to anyone so i just latched on to her instead of maybe talking to one of my friends about how i was feeling. I freaked her out and she started thinking im someone im not. I just want the chance to explain the situation to her to see if she understands. The thing is I want to give her some space now as I completely smothered her for the last few weeks. How do I approach this

[Wakeup]

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate what you are saying but I think you've got the wrong idea. The feelings were always one hundred percent mutual. It might have been a fling but we would talk for a few hours everyday for months. I just started thinking to much when i booked the trip and freaked out a little. It was an unfamiliar situation and i acted stupidly. Everyone makes mistakes. I dont really talk about private stuff to anyone so i just latched on to her instead of maybe talking to one of my friends about how i was feeling. I freaked her out and she started thinking im someone im not. I just want the chance to explain the situation to her to see if she understands. The thing is I want to give her some space now as I completely smothered her for the last few weeks. How do I approach this

It doesn't matter if the feelings were mutual or not. The point is that you expected something to develop when there was no solid foundation to keep it going. If she "loved" you then your attention would not freak her out. In fact, people who are in an actual relationship that has become long distance need the reassurance that their partner is still feeling them and that the distance hasn't made them indifferent.

The thing is I want to give her some space now as I completely smothered her for the last few weeks. How do I approach this

My suggestion was in my post. Back off and don't email or text her until you're a week or so from take off. If she wants to be in touch, let her do some of the pursuing. If you don't contact her and she wonders where you've been and reaches out to you .. at least you'll know she's thinking about you and missing you and not just responding (to your initiation) out of courtesy or because she's too nice to just ignore you.

[timmytimmy]

Thanks again.

The question im really asking now is how do i explain the situation to her. Even if it goes nowhere i dont want her feeling guilty as if she did something wrong. I know it was my insecurity that caused the problem.

I know you are saying not to contact her but i just want to explain this to at least clear the air. I know she feels bad at the moment and she didnt do anything wrong.

Cheers

[Wakeup]

anyway when she told me all this the other night i explained that i was going to be over there, its all booked and id still really like to meet. i told her i would have no expectations and we should just have some fun together. she agreed to this but im worried things wont be the same

Why are you being such a dweeb? Quit worrying so much and see how things are once you get there. You're annoying with your anxiety and fear and insecurity. If you call her or email her again with this bullshit you will totally make her lose attraction for you. Through your actions (of not being clingy and possessive and blowing up her email/text/MSN) she'll understand that you're not pressuring her into anything she doesn't want to be in and she'll relax. If she wants to call/email/MSN you, let her initiate to show you that she at least cares enough to do that.

If you absolutely have to email her again do it close to when you're leaving and give her your Itinerary. You explaining again why you were a dweeb will only look like you're still being a dweeb. Relax and quit putting so much effort and emotion into this you hardly even know her. And, no.. do not argue with me, you hardly bloody know her and you've made yourself an emotional basket case over her.

Leave it be and live your life and look forward to your trip. Having Zero expectations equals zero disappointments. So quit expecting your own outcome.

I wish you good luck and a fun, anxiety free trip.

[surfhb]

Thanks again.

The question im really asking now is how do i explain the situation to her. Even if it goes nowhere i dont want her feeling guilty as if she did something wrong. I know it was my insecurity that caused the problem.

I know you are saying not to contact her but i just want to explain this to at least clear the air. I know she feels bad at the moment and she didnt do anything wrong.

Cheers

Why do you think she feels bad? She probably relived this fling you had is over so she can move on. You never had a relationship anyway

[timmytimmy]

Ok so i left her alone for a week. she came back to me. just a simple text. a few more followed both ways. ill keep some distance this time. i think its a good sign though

[Wakeup]

yes, I think it's a positive sign. Keep letting her chase you for a change, be enthusiastic to hear from her. . . but be the first to sign off.