Wondering if there is any hope for this relationship...

[original19]

Hi all, thank you in advance for reading my story and hopefully I can get some advice on my situation.

I met a girl during my second year of college in the US and we instantly hit it off. We were both dating other people, but that quickly changed as we fell in love. She was an exchange student from Australia who was only there for one semester. We traveled together and decided to try the long distance thing after she left. It worked, and before long I was in Australia studying abroad to see her. After I left, we did another seven months or so of long distance before she came to visit me again in America. She had graduated and I had a year left of school. The plan was for me to finish school, then we would figure out a way of being together somewhere.

About a month before graduation, I had a mini freakout. We were talking about moving to Taiwan together to teach English and I had applied to a couple different schools. I was scared of the commitment and foolishly decided that I needed a "break" from the relationship. Well, about three months later I had my freedom (though I never seriously thought about another girl) and I finally realized how selfishly I was acting. She recently found a job in Hong Kong, and I still had a job offer in Taiwan to teach English. I called her to tell her just how bad I had felt, and how I needed her back in my life. After a long conversation, she said she would think about it. I had put her through more pain than I realized at the time.

I went to Hong Kong in a last ditch attempt to win her back, and it was there I realized how much I love her. Nearly three years of long distance made me forget a little about how much she means to me. The fact that we made it that far doing long distance amazes me, and knowing how close we were to finally living together made everything exponentially harder. We acted like a couple while I was there. We held hands in public and slept together at night. It was the best time I've had in my life, and the worst in a way. Every day I begged her to take me back, and I realized more and more that I had put her through immense pain. The emotional toll it took on me was crazy. The last night I was there, we spent the night watching fireworks, eating a wonderful dinner, and drinking. On the way home, we were both a bit drunk, and she started crying. She said "Why did you wait so long?" And I comforted her and said that it was the worst mistake I have ever made. Even typing about it now chokes me up. The next day I had to leave, and she told me she wouldn't take me back. I went to Taipei, Taiwan to train for the English teaching position. I really had no desire of going myself, but it was the only way I could even be relatively close to her. So I decided to give it a shot because I was still holding on to her.

About two weeks later, she started dating a new guy. He had helped comfort her through our initial breakup, and he was ready to swoop in when I left. The day I found out was literally the worst day of my life. I called my parents in tears and I had my first experience with a panic attack. Of course, I would expect people reading these forums to know a little bit about what I am talking about. My roommate and only friend I had in Taipei forced me not to call her or contact her. I did that for exactly six days - the worst six days of my life. I finally broke and contacted her on Skype six days later, and she immediately called me and said that she missed me. She proceeded to link me old photos of us, and of course I got the wrong message - who wouldn't?

I contacted her over the next few days, and eventually she said that we shouldn't talk, and that it would be better for both of us. I told her that I still loved her but I wouldn't wait for her. When I asked her if she still has feelings for me, she said "It doesn't matter." When I mentioned getting a "rebound" she shot it down and said that it wouldn't help me. Since then, it's been all downhill. I forced myself to go out and meet people, or else I was going to go crazy sitting at home. I met a really nice girl at a club, and we have been hanging out/dating for more than a month now (its been about two and a half months since I left Hong Kong). She knows I'm not over my ex and I know it too. She likes me and I like her, but it's nothing like what I feel for my ex. I don't want to hurt her, because then I'll have learned nothing about the way I feel and how I shouldn't make people feel the way I do. I'm scared that that's what its heading for though, because I can't see myself getting over my ex anytime soon, even with this new girl to keep me company. I most recently called my ex just over a week ago and she said that she thought it would be better for both of us if we didn't talk at all or try the "friends" thing. All in all, its easily been the toughest two and a half months of my life.

I've been told by some people to get over her, and only then could it be possible in the future. I've been told by others that if I love her I should go get her. I guess I'm asking readers of this forum what they think about this, and if there is any hope for recovering what I have foolishly lost. I miss her more than I ever thought I could miss someone, and I love her just as much.

Thanks,

Clark

[BrokenHearted78]

Seems like she's moved on, maybe it's time for you to do the same. Time heals everything, I know it's hard right now, but it will get easier.

I think you should take a break from relationships until you feel you're ready for a new one otherwise it wouldn't be fair to your new GF.

[Tanguerra]

If you really love her, try again! You have complicated things by getting hooked up with someone new though. That's a little complex because now you have to consider the feelings of your new girlfriend! Whatever you do, try not to hurt her or mess her around any more than neccessary, but if you really don't have feelings for her, there's no point in stringing her along.

"My roommate and only friend I had in Taipei forced me not to call her or contact her. I did that for exactly six days - the worst six days of my life. I finally broke and contacted her on Skype six days later, and she immediately called me and said that she missed me. She proceeded to link me old photos of us, and of course I got the wrong message - who wouldn't?"

Guys, guys, guys! Why do you always advise each other not to contact a woman for a week or whatever? Don't you know we just hate that! To us it feels like you are ignoring us, don't love us, don't care about us. It sends the completely wrong message. People who say 'treat them mean, keep them keen' are all single. Have you ever noticed that?

"I contacted her over the next few days, and eventually she said that we shouldn't talk, and that it would be better for both of us. I told her that I still loved her but I wouldn't wait for her. When I asked her if she still has feelings for me, she said "It doesn't matter." When I mentioned getting a "rebound" she shot it down and said that it wouldn't help me. Since then, it's been all downhill."

What did you mean when you said you 'loved her but wouldn't wait for her'? What were you thinking? No wonder she got annoyed with you and said 'It doesn't matter' etc. She's already been up and down on the roller coaster with you so the last thing she needs to hear is that you're going to muck her about any more. Good heavens!

OK. Take a deep breath and write her a really good letter. Tell her how you feel about her. Tell her you WILL wait for her as long as it takes. Tell her she's the ONE and you will do whatever it takes to get her back. Tell her you've been an idiot and apologize profusely for hurting her. At the very least she will think better of you. If there's really love there, it will work out eventually. You'll see.

[Kyeema]

Tanguerra is right... women don't want these NC games and "won't wait for you"-things by which you think you make us want you more because we fear losing you when you say something like that... but in truth it's just putting pressure on us... and we think why they heck should I take this one back he is not even really fighting for me! And that's what we want.... you fighting for us no matter what we say, you showing us how much you love us and how sorry you are for the pain you caused us!

You split up with her and now you are hurt because she doesn't take you back in an instance... have you ever thought of what she was going through when you broke up with her out of nothing? How her time was then? You whine about having the worst weeks in your life... what do you think she had when you broke up with her??? You however know that the pain you're in now is a result of what YOU did when you broke up... she didn't have a reason except for you chickening out of your relationship... imagine how that hurt! And start taking responsibility for that... and by more than saying how sorry you are... words are easily said!

So if you really love her, break up with your new girl-friend and fight for her as romantically as you can! Show her that you won't ever back off and out again, no matter what happens! She doesn't trust you any more, you left her out of the blue once, she thinks he did it once, why shouldn't he do it some time again? You need to show her that your love is consistent and enduring, so she can feel safe with you again...

Of course it can be that too much is broken within her by you breaking up and then sending all the wrong "messages" by your actions (NC, "won't wait for you", rebound girl...)... but again I agree with Tanguerra, if she still loves you, she will come around some day, but you need to give her time and show her how much you love her consistently no matter what she tells you or does...

Good luck!
Kyeema