Girlfriend Hiding Things

[adonis_boy]

Apologies for the long text. I need urgent advice, thank you for reading.

I'm in a 6 month relationship. There was this guy who my girlfriend was very close with. He always posted songs on her Facebook wall and I could see they are in constant contact. I always thought like he is a good friend and didn't ask her about him.

When she went back to her hometown for the summer, thus guy took some photos of her at a festival they went together and tagged her on Facebook. Out of curiosity, I asked her if she could introduce me to her friends online because she never mentioned who they are whereas I always let her know who I was meeting even if she hasn't met them in person. She complied with it and told me this guy is her ex and now they are friends, "nothing to be jealous of". Being not comfortable with her being this close with her ex and confused about not knowing of his existence in her life until that moment, I ask her how much she has seen this guy when she is in her hometown. She told me she met him for this festival, went to play guitar hero with him, went to his place to see his dog and to get a dvd he recorded for her. I also found out that she has been talking to him on the phone every day she is there. I tell her calmly that I am not comfortable with her being in such a contact with her ex when she is in a relationship and let her know she is crossing boundaries here. First she gets very defensive and tries to convince me that this guy is just a friend and they did nothing romantic. I tell her I sense something not right with this and it is not acceptable. I want to know if she is really committed to me and I don't want this drama. In the end, she agrees she hurt me and tells this guy to not to contact him "that often", maybe once in a month. Afterwards, the guy tries to contact me and when I tell her why she didn't end it already, she defends the guy to me and tells me what he is doing is normal: That's what a friend would do. I ask her to solve this or else we are not good and she tells this guy not to bother her anymore.

Two weeks after, as she was showing me a message on her Facebook, I've seen a new message from this guy and asked her why she hasn't kept her promise. She said it was just an echo and he asked if she is ok, nothing more. When I asked her if she contacted her again other than the message, she said he called her and asked if she is fine with her decision. She was still defending to me that he is a friend and him being an ex doesn't matter.

After everything seemed allright, I wrote her a letter to clean the air: How I think her bringing up exs and being that close to them hinders my trust and raises suspicions. How being open and honest with each other is very important. How considering a loved one's feelings and respecting boundaries is important to keep safety and comfort in a relationship. She replied saying "You are the one for me. Thank you for this letter. I will do whatever it takes to prevent this from happening again." A few days after, she tells me she totally cut contact with this guy, but he's still added on her every contact list: Facebook, Twitter, Skype...

Putting everything behind and moving on to a stronger relationship, I see the ex liking her new profile photo on Facebook. I suddenly remember a friend of hers asking to meet her at the airport when she arrives at her hometown. I call her and ask her who that friend was and why he could still be liking her photo when they are not talking anymore. After a long pause, she tells me it was her ex. She told him not to come but he appeared there anyway. She lied to me all the time because she told me she just called him when she arrived at the airport. I ask her what else she is hiding from me and it turns out that he tried hugging her intimately every time they are out and she tried to avoid it. I ask her why she hid these things from me and she tells me she didn't want to bother me anymore and she wanted to handle this herself. Then I ask her why she continued meeting him even though she felt uncomfortable about it and she says she was too naive and wanted to beleive that he is a friend. I ask her why she never beleived me when I told her something was not right and why she always defended him to me and she said she made a big mistake and she was too stubborn. Then she deletes him from everywhere, including his photos.

Now I feel very bad not only because of being lied to but also because of her seeing this guy that frequently and allowing him to make advances on her even though she was aware of it all the time and I told her something was not right many times. She tells me she had no romantic feelings towards him at that time and it was pure friendship but my mind doesn't accept how a person can be that naive and still continue seeing this guy if she has no other thing in mind. I wonder what else she could be hiding.

She again tells me I'm everything she wants and she begs me to forgive her but I don't know what I should do. She says she will change and she will correct what she has done. However, it feels to me like she will always hide things from me and I will be hurt once more.

[devonbrown]

I say break up with her because you are an insecure and self-righteous fool and she deserves better. People CAN be friends, even if they are exes. Just because you don't think it is the case doesn't mean that it isn't possible. Your demands on her were controlling and borderline abusive. She can do what she wants and be friends with whomever she wants.

Yes, she should take your feelings into consideration, but she shouldn't take your feelings into MORE consideration than her own feelings. You weren't taking her feelings into consideration at all. It works both ways.

It doesn't matter if this guy wanted to get back with her or not. It doesn't excuse your bullying behavior. I'm sorry, but I really think that you are the issue here, not her.

[oldskool83]

im friends with my ex who cheated on me and broke up my home...im kinda forced to bud. your actions of constant snooping show you have trust issues. The more you dont trust the more somone can do what they feel they want to. Your treating her like a daugher more then a g/f, you look like the dad constantly scolding her. I dont belive your truely ready for what a long term relationship is about. wouldnt mater if it was a male friend she never dated i still think you'd have these issues with her. shes not a possesion of your. youe g/f needs to open her mouth 1st and you need to open your mind also.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I don't think he was snooping or being abusive. He told her directly that he's not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who's in such contact with their ex, and if that's what she wants to do then he doesn't want to date her. He set a boundary for what he is not willing to accept, and she agreed to it. Who isn't upset when their SO lies to them, particularly about something like this? From what I read, he didn't snoop, she was showing him her messages. He didn't log onto her account when she wasn't there.

The OP does sound a bit self righteous and a bit insecure too, but I don't think his feelings are without merit.

[bulrush]

First she gets very defensive

That's the first clue that she is lying.

and tries to convince me that this guy is just a friend and they did nothing romantic.

"romantic" could mean anything. They could have wild weasel sex and he plowed her till the cows came home, but it was not "romantic".

Dump her if this makes you uncomfortable. Or find another girl "friend" and see how she likes it. Normally I'm not vengeful like this, but this chick seems to need a lesson in what is appropriate.

[Cerby]

I like this topic because this is something that just recently came up with my girlfriend and I. Her 3 best guy friends are also 3 exes. This in itself doesn't bother me because she has chosen to be with me, just as the OPs gf has chosen him.

Last weekend my gf received a drunken text from one of these guys that said "I wish we were still together". She showed me, but it still did spark a confrontation because its clear that these close friends still have feelings for her. Ultimately, the nature of the fight had nothing to do with anything, because in the end only one thing matters:

I trust her.

Once I realized that I was being an idiot towards her because I was pissed off at him, I smartened up and apologized. If OP trusted his gf, then he wouldn't be so uptight, but since he is, he needs to dump her and work on his own insecurity issues.

[Krik]

I think you handled the situation very well by telling her that you are 'uncomfortable' with the situation. You were simply expressing your feelings. And that is fair.

Look, some guys are OK with their woman being friends with their ex, some are not. It depends on the situation, but given the circumstances you have described (her lying and him meeting her at airport etc), I can see why you have trust issues and why you think she is not telling the truth.

things is, if you don't trust her, it will be very difficult to continue the relationship with her. And it doesn't sound like you will be happy with her being friends with her ex. so you need to decide on what course of action to take, no one can make that decision for you. If you really like her, stay with her, but bear in mind that it might be a bit of a struggle. the ex may disappear after some time..

Always trust your gut feeling and instincts.

Hope this helps.