The steps to becoming succesful with women

[Endlessagony]

I'm sick and tired of constantly just almost getting there with women. I've decided I need to start making some drastic changes in my life. Where do I start?
I know the biggest problem I have is my self-esteem. I've been thinking a lot about this and analyzing things that went wrong in the past and come to some conclusions. I'm definitely the insecure and needy type, I seem to rely on people's acceptance to validate myself. I've also developed a taste for drinking a lot which probably doesn't help either. I have approach anxiety towards people, not only for women though making friends with men isn't that hard for me.
I'd say good sides in me is I have a great sense of humour and can usually make people laugh around me when I'm not drawn into my shell. I'm also intelligent and like to talk about deep and philosophical stuff (it's not abnormal for me to receive comments about this). I also have (actually had at this point in time) a very muscular and athletic physique.

I really don't have any idea how to overcome this but I have do have a plan for now. Step 1 is I've stopped drinking completely for now, although being drunk helps me open up it is very detrimental in the long run. Step 2 is to get back in shape and lose weight which should also increase my energy and positivity. Step 3 is I've enrolled in this capoeira group (you can look it up if it sounds unfamiliar), I've done it before and it's a brilliant way of practicing being more open as you have to sing and dance with people. The final step I've taken upon me is to start reading everything I can find on dating and body language.

I know that ultimately I will have to start approaching women without fear but before that I'm going to prepare myself as I best can. You don't start builiding a house without blueprints do you? I would really appreciate any and all advice you could give me on the subject. All the books have a lot of information how to manipulate girls into liking you (not that you don't get lots of useful information from them) but I want to build a me that is likable without having to do routines.

[bulrush]

I'll summarize what has worked for me. I'm a guy.

1. I'm very confident. I do internet dating and I'll usually let the woman message me first. After all, they need to have a minimum of confidence before I'll date them. Once they have messaged me I take the wheel and guide things from there. I talk to them online a few times, then talk to them on the phone a few times just to make sure they're not crazy. I do tell them about my bedroom habits right before I ask them out. I love sex and I tell them that sex will be part of our relationship. I don't ask. I don't want to waste time if the girl is uptight about sex. I don't expect sex on the first 2 dates, after that, anything is possible. I also don't want a one-night stand, and I tell them this in several conversations. I want a long-term relationship. Very important.

Then if all goes well I'll ask them out.

2. We go on a date, usually a quiet restaurant, because I want to get to know them. Depending on their mood I might try to flirt with them, and see how they react. If they don't object, that's a good sign. I might caress their arm, or hold their hand and see how if they like it. (NOTE: chain restaurants like TGIF and Chili's are usually very noisy. I avoid those. I prefer tiny "hole in the wall" restaurants.)

3. I'm also a pretty good communicator and I expect my dates to be the same. I tell them that is one of the things I"m looking for. If they can't talk about sex, then we do not have a future.

4. On the first date I might mention if they want to go to my place. If they want to, we go, and talk some more, maybe kiss, maybe more. If they stop me at a certain point, I respect that. If I like them, I tell them that and I tell them WHY I like them. Women like to hear that. In general, they only like to hear they are pretty sometimes. Not all the time.

In my dating this year I have dated a few people, and I have found wonderful people that I like. The dates went very well and we all had a good time. But that's because I took charge, and took a chance by doing things, like taking their shirt off, or something.

[romantic_guy]

A great workbook for you would be "Ten Days to Self-Esteem". It is almost a misnomer because it is so much more than about self-esteem. My wife used the book to help her get over a traumatic event and subsequent depression. I do think that working through it would help you. You need to work on getting yourself healthy and that will help you meet the right girl.

[TheAlliance]

Start hitting the gym dude. Being jacked up gives you a minimum level of confidence, and pretty much automatically puts you at a higher confidence level than thin/fat guys.

think of it this way: the hottest girls around are those who frequent the gym. if you can match the hottest chicks at the gym, you can match any chick.

[Endlessagony]

Thanks for all the advice. Today was a really bad day for me, from the moment I woke up I had this paralyzing anxiety within me. Seems I get all manic and hopeful one day and the next I'm like this.
I'm going to continue to eat healthy and work and all that stuff but right now the goals that I had in mind just seems so far away.
I'm thinking of starting on Cipralex this weekend, I have an unopened box from summer when I was prescribed it (I never started with the medication).

[Devilsbane]

You sound a lot like me actually. I find the online dating thing works well. You can start getting to know somebody by reading their profile and then striking up a conversation in a nearly stress free atmosphere. If that goes well, move to the phone (i usually text over calling, but to each their own) and eventually going out on a date. If it goes well, another, and another. I don't date multiple girls at the same time, so when I do start going on actual dates I mostly shut off anyone I was talking to. It might seem a little harsh, but in the long run I think it is for the best. I don't want to lead two people on at thesame time. If going out on dates is successful, ask them to be my girlfriend. If not, back to the drawing board and sometimes they can become another friend. Always nice to have another friend, especially one from the opposite gender.

I'll leave you with the NIKE slogan because it's true. Just do it. Even Babe Ruth struck out a few times before he made it into the big leagues, and continued to strike out from time to time. Get over it.