Am I in the Wrong....

[confused99]

I've been living with my boyfriend for approx 1 year now. In February, I caught him sexting not 1, but 2 of his female friends who also happen to be married to friends of his. He was out of town for work while this happened, and while he was gone i hardly heard from him at all.

I confronted him, he apologized and said it would stop. Fast forward a couple months. Caught him still doing it....very explicit messages, and some of them sounded like he had physically cheated on me with them (i later found out he did have a threesome with them before i had met him). he swore there was never anything physical with them while he was with me, and again promised he would stop sending the sexual text messages. Needless to say I don't have complete trust in him after catching him doing it twice.

he still does talk to them, but i think the sexting has stopped. i obviously don't like these girls, and he knows it. the entire time we have been together he has hung out with them maybe 2 or 3 times, and i have always been with (even after all that happened, i sucked it up and hung out with them because he wanted me to). to me, hanging out with someone over the past year and a half doesn't equate to "good friends"

well now one of them is having a birthday party for her son, and we are invited. i don't talk to those girls, i have no interest in being friends with them. I told him I don't want to go, and would prefer if he doesn't either. of course he got mad, sad she's his friend and he's going, regardless of my feelings. now we are sitting here not talking to each other.

Am I wrong for asking him to not go? yes i know it's not a one on one thing hanging out, but him being around them (both will be there) and having communication with them makes me uncomfortable. he's done nothing to help get my trust back - it's all my fault and i shouldn't have any issues with them according to him. so am i wrong, or should he be more considerate of my feelings and respect my wishes to not go given what's happened over the past 8 months?

[smackie9]

Your biggest mistake is ever dating this guy.....dump his ass you fool.

[confused99]

trust me, it's sure on my mind alot. i've been looking for apartment and trying to save more money than usual so i can move out if i need to. i just don't understand why he doesn't seem to care about how it makes me feel? how would he feel if the situation was reversed??

[Wakeup]

how would he feel if the situation was reversed??

I supose you can't see the forest for the trees but it's quite obvious to me that he wouldn't give a sh*t. Get out as soon as you can. He's stealing your joy by disrespecting you over and over again.

[smackie9]

If you need to? You need to no ifs and or buts......

[Devilsbane]

I only read the first two paragraphs, but I see where this is going. Ditch him, you can do better than someone who lies and cheats. (sexing an ex is close enough to cheating for me)

I ended up reading the rest. You are wrong for not asking him to never speak with them again.

[confused99]

He's flat out told me he would not stop speaking to them or hanging out with them, because they are his friends and they have been for years - he does not care about my feelings regarding the matter at all, no matter how much he may say he does. Actions speak louder than words.

If the situation was reversed (even though I would NEVER do that to him or anyone), I wouldn't even wait to be asked, I would just stop ALL communication with them, until he was comfortable with me talking to them again if ever.

Love him, but......a girl can only take so much.

[smackie9]

So that's what he calls these girls on the side "his friends?" Are you that stupid? The minute you saw him "sexing" you should have been kicking his ass to the curb. You are in love with a jerk....have some self worth girl!

[Devilsbane]

He's flat out told me he would not stop speaking to them or hanging out with them, because they are his friends and they have been for years - he does not care about my feelings regarding the matter at all, no matter how much he may say he does. Actions speak louder than words.

If the situation was reversed (even though I would NEVER do that to him or anyone), I wouldn't even wait to be asked, I would just stop ALL communication with them, until he was comfortable with me talking to them again if ever.

Love him, but......a girl can only take so much.

This sounds like what happened with me a few months back. The difference is that I actually was just friends with my ex and there was nothing going on. Still, the new girl was not comfortable with this. Told me that she didn't want my ex in our lives and based on how she treated me (similar issues to what your guy is doing now) I shouldn't even call her the friend. I was given the ultimatum... Several times but I refused to choose. Best friend or girlfriend? Our relationship continued, although rocky. It finally came down to I agreed to give up my ex for a week for us. (This was after we had already broken up twice.) So it was a week of dating, just without the title. No lie, but I think this may have been the best week of my life. But when it was over, I still couldn't do it.

we went our separate ways. A couple months had passed and it smacked me in the head. It never was that I couldn't give up my friend. It was that I didn't think I could and was afraid to. I finally saw that she was right and that there was no room for my ex in our relationship. I said goodbye, it wasn't easy. For the past month I've been trying to get her back. I got very little response at first. Then we started hanging out a lot, and even getting flirty. But then that kind of stopped. She said that it felt awkward because she still hadn't decided if I could be trusted. Since then, we still are together all the time (5+ nights a week) and more recently going on what should be considered dates. But as of now we are just friend. (terrible situation to be in btw. Spending all of this time together and buying dinners and tickets to things, but I can't even roll over and kiss her as we are watching chick flicks in my bed)

Anyway, the point of this is to tell you it can be done. If he doesn't see it (like I didn't) just move on. Maybe he will come around like I did, and maybe he won't and you can find someone better. Just remember this. If he does come back, take note of how much hell he goes through. I dropped from 180 lbs down to 155 over the past month because I just don't feel like eating much with my stomach in knots all the time.

Don't be afraid to leave, sometimes it is needed.

[teacher37]

wow...i am in somewhat a similar situation..but I know the shit stopped as soon as I found it...but then porn came on the phone instead..all day long while working! my bf has self esteem issues....he was left in a crappy marraige. however....i do wonder how easy it would be to start again. if you dont love yourself..can you fully love someone else?

[oneandonly]

Damn messy!

Yeah get out as soon as you can. You two obviously don't understand each other and are not on the same page.

I personally won't stand a guy who's in touch with an ex or ex(s). As far as I am concerned, there is no need for it unless there is a child involved.

[oldskool83]

you keep asking him to stop things, he does not seem to get your concern. I don't think anything goods going to come out of this.

[confused99]

The worst part is they aren't even exes of his - just friends he has known since high school.

I have tried taking the high road with both of them. reaching out to them to see if they want to get together so we can get to know each other better. Each time they act interested, then completely blow me off. I SHOULDN'T have to take the high road to try to make things right between me and them. At least one of them has blamed me for the fact that she can't talk to and hang out with my boyfriend like she used to. Again, not my fault, look in the mirror lady. I'm done trying to be nice - they say they want to try to put it in the past and be friends, but yet don't put in any effort. Why should it be up to me? My BF has told me his ideal situation would be for all of us to be friends.....i think that's asking a lot, but I was trying for his sake, only to get blown off time and time again.

If my friends treated my man like this, i would def say something to them. But he isn't willing to say anything to them or cut them out. He just says I'm not defending them, but they are my friends. REALLY??? and I'm your gf who you claim to love and wanna be with....how about sticking up for me??

I want to leave, but am afraid for so many reasons. I battle daily with it still.

[Devilsbane]

Maybe not technically ex's, but they fooled around and sexted. All of the bad stuff with no title.

I commend you for trying. Most people wouldn't and it shows that you are a very reasonable person. But they are disrespecting you, and he is allowing that. Not to mention that he is disrespecting you too. Sometimes you need to lose it all and hit rock bottom before you realize what you had. Don't put up with his crap, you're better than that.

[confused99]

What really makes no sense to me is he's been cheated on and has always said he would never do that. His ex-wife left him while he was deployed. Shitty situation. He said he would never do that to anyone.

However before I found all this out he also said he would never mess around with ne of his friends or his friends wives....obviously that's not true. When I call him on that he gets ma and says he wouldn't do it any more and he has learned his lesson.