Help with No Contact. just got a bit complicated.

[elny1]

Summary of previous: Okay so I had a topic in the past about what to so with my ex. She's 35 years old now. I'm 11 years younger. We dated for 2 years and then she broke up with me 5 months ago due to insecurities and she went on to date a 50 year old guy who she's still with. We texted about a month ago for around a week and we still can't stop thinking about eachother. We decided no contact with eachother at all was best and I've definitely had a lot of positive progress since her and I stopped talking.

Present: her oldest son who is now 11 found out how to text me using his ipod. I helped him install a text program on his ipod a year ago and he put in my number incase of emergencies. I was very close with him. Id imagine this is what it feels like to have a younger brother. Now that he's talking to me I can't stop thinking about my ex again. He said he misses me.

What do I do? In a perfect world I would be friends with my ex and would be able to talk to the kids, but my head is getting consumed by thinking about her as I talk to him. Talking to him is a snag in my no contact period. What are my options?

[Wakeup]

Why would talking to her son make you want his mother back? The two don't even go together to make a correlation in my books. Either you are the young mans friend or you simply want to be in touch with him to get to his mother.. which one is it? Further: You forget that his mother in a relationship with the man she got with after she dumped you. That should be enough for you to hitch up your britches and find your own girl (your own age because chances are it will work out better the more you have in common with one another).

If you are unable to keep this young man as a simple friend without linking your thoughts of him to his mother then do both you and him a favor and grow up and leave them both alone. Divorced couples with children have to learn to live without wanting their children's mother/father so you can do it too.

[elny1]

-I don't want my ex back. I miss her A LOT, but we will never work out. We tried being friends last month and all that ended up happening was her telling me she wishes she could of married me and had these kids and how great our sex was. (we went back to no contact after this was getting out of hand). Our chemistry was great. The way the cards were dealt, a lot of insecurity and shit happened that made it so we'll never get back together.

-I want to be able to see him without having anything to do with his mother. I want to be friends with the kids and I know I have a lot to offer them. My ex, 2 kids, and I all connected on very deep levels. It was stellar.

-I know she left me for a guy that she can be certain isn't going to break up with her as her looks fade and I stay in my prime. She's already been through an insane divorce and she definitely doesn't want to chance another one in this lifetime. This man she's with is 15 years older than her. He's a good guy and she took a safe bet.

-I am now dating a girl my own age. We get along really well and this girl is quite possibly the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

-A divorced father still gets to see his child a lot of the time and normally not when the child's mom is there. Similar scenarios but different in ways that matter to the solution I need.


It's as if I can only progress and move on when I don't think about her. I talked to her son for an hour today on text and then spent 8 hours thinking about how I miss what life couldn't provide me with.
What can I do here?

[Wakeup]

I kinda feel sorry for you new girl, here you are with her and you still miss your ex which means the emotional connection this new girl has with you is being shared with an ex who you still are pining over and missing being with. "New girl" sounds like she's your emotional bandaid. (???)

If you want to remain friends with your ex's son then I suggest that you ask your ex for permission to see him regularily as a mentor/big brother kind of scenerio and if she and her new partner think that that is a good idea then you can continue to see him and talk to him. If she doesn't agree, then I think you should just lose contact with all of them so you can concentrate on your new gf and this young boy can learn to bond with his new "daddy" once he realizes you're out of the picture. (I feel very sorry for her children as well with her having new men come in and out of their lives).

Stop trying to be her friend. That's whats got you missing her (trying to be her friend) not so much talking to her young son, I'd say.

[elny1]

Thanks for the advice. That is what I was looking for.

If its any piece of mind for you, My girlfriend has been a distant acquaintance of both of mine and my ex's the whole time we dated, and knew we were lovebirds. I told her I still have leftover feelings for my ex and its still a process for me, and if I ask her for space she works on her art or hangs out with friends, knowing where I'm at. It was getting to the point where I didn't even need space until this happened with the son. My girlfriend and I talk every day all the time and we're very close. She's actually become decent friends with my ex through friends of friends with others, not including me. She's always there for me and always wants to be there for me. Her parents are still together, and she is very close with her 3 other siblings. She is smart, comprehensive, athletic, a good decision maker, very talented with art, and is excellent at dealing with people. I can't believe I'm describing a real person, and that she is my girlfriend. We get along incredibly well and have a lot of stellar plans.



And what you said about feeling sorry for the kids what bugs me. I feel sorry for them too! Their real dad is really smart, but is a shitty father and an asshole, and this new guy doesn't have what these kids need. He's not interested or involved enough. He's already had a kid and in my opinion acts done with helping raise kids. Imo he would rather them be in college or moved out at this point. Any time those kids spoke my ears perked up and I helped them make better decisions in a positive way. I felt like their role model (for the oldest son I'm sure of it. Her other boy is 8 now and kind of strays into his own world and writes a lot. Him and I played a lot of video games together). They need a lot of help and I knew what to do because I was only their age only 13 years ago dealing with a divorce and I have one brother just like them, I was able to relate and help them to make the right decisions and to strive for good goals. And my ex is by far the greatest most rational and logical mother I've ever seen or read, or could even dream about.

Ugh. I used to professionally play online poker player when my ex and I were dating. When poker got shut down by the feds in April I lost my mind for a few weeks. This is when my ex got worried and split, and I handle breakups worse than I handle losing my job. Got moderate-severely depressed for 4 months and am now starting to get over it despite the son and I texting thing. My life has been so strange since poker shut down.

And despite my depression I am incredibly fortunate to have such deep/mesmerizing/unebelievable connections with the most intelligent/desirable/rational/talented women and my ex's 2 boys.