Why does he always make it out to be me?

[ekat]

I have been in a relationship for over a year. The first 6 months were perfect, but we were long distance. It all went down hill when we moved in together. After some months, I left, because I'd moved to a new country had no friends and no job and we fought ALL THE TIME. He always said that it had been a great time for him when I was living with him despite the fights, but never realized how depressed it got me, because I had nothing else in my life.

We are long distance again, so only see each other once in a while. Whenever we do see each other, there is a fight for something. I feel he disregards me a lot. For example he came to stay with me, and I had arranged to do work at home so I could be with him rather than go to the office. He would keep stopping me from working and when I finally said I had a deadline to meet and he was not respecting my work, he went into a sulk. An other thing that happenned, I took him on this trip and we had to fill in a feedback form, he was very mean and nasty in his comments for no reason, and I said to him that he was being unfair, to which he went into a sulk, didn't speak to me, and said I was being controlling (note that my name was on the feedback form too and that I had not told him not to write that, just that it was not really fair).

He also resents me seeing my family and friends when I am in my own town and feels I should come and stay with him instead, though I work very far from home and hardly see my family. At the same time, when I do go and see him, he accuses me of only coming at my convenience and taking up his time when he should be working.

When we have a disagreement, he pulls away and sulks, and it is no longer possible to communicate. I took him to the airport last week-end and I said sweetly I hope we can talk during the week, to which he said: anyway when you are at home with your friends and family you do not have time to talk, which is totally untrue, I spend so much time talking to him when I am with my family, that my family wonder what is the point in my coming to see them. When he said that, he referes to an episode some months back where we did not speak for 14 days. We emailed every day, and I want to point out that he did not call me either, but he has this expectance that I should have called him, however I was away for work in a place with no communication, and the folllowing week, I was so sick that I could not even open my eyes, the mere sight of light made me feel like throwing up. And yet, he never called me in this time, but keeps bringing up this episode as how I ignore him and do not care about him. Finally, he went to catch his plane, storming off and leaving me without saying good-bye. He is supposed to come back this week-end for a wedding, and I said I wanted to know if he was coming so I can inform my friends who have counted him in their budget, and I also felt that he owed me an apology for storming off like that. I did not put any conditions on coming or not to the wedding, just to inform me, because it is the polite thing to do for my friends and I had just been left guessing since he went off. I received a really agressive email, saying that I was bullying him and making it all his fault, which I wasn't. Finally, he turned it all upside down, never appologised for just storming off at the airport and made it all out to be my fault.

When I confront him with these things, he says to me that he was very patient with me at the beginning, but his patience has run out and that the only option he has is to sulk and give me the silence treatment. I may be a difficult personnality, especially because I am very independent and like doing my own thing, but I am not sure I deserve this?

These are only the latest examples, but I do not know what to do. I do not feel either heard or understood, and the fact that I get hurt seems totally oblivious to him, he just sulks, storms around like a small child, then comes back all sweet as though nothing had happenned. Please help, I'm going mad.

Also, last week-end he was telling me about how something I had done had hurt him, and I asked him questions about it, because I wanted to understand so I could do things differently. He accused me of interrogating him, and it seems that however I speak, whatever I say is the wrong way. He'll say if you'd said this like this, I would have responded nicely, but you said it like this, which I don't like, so I will of course get angry. I do not know how to express myself anymore. He's constantly saying I'm shouting even when I am talking with a soft voice and he's the one going red in the face and getting angry. Help me, please! I've lost the strenght to do anything because it is always turned against me! Even his memories of episodes in the past seem skewed. Sometimes he is clearly the one who got angry with me, and he remembers it the opposite. If I try to rectify, he just becomes agressive saying that I just want to blame him for everything.

[Gigawatt]

I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend always says that I blame him for everything that goes wrong in my life. In my opinion it's not a matter of blame, I just want to communicate how I feel. Maybe I can't communicate my feelings well, but if I speak to others about a certain situation, they'll understand me completely. I found that the best way to deal with him is to just give him his time and space. When I feel misunderstood I write a long email detailing exactly how I feel in a style that is clear, unemotional, and practically in the third person (point of view). I love my boyfriend but, like a small child, I had to learn to do what makes me happy instead of always trying to make him happy. Honestly, if you do what makes you happy and it happens to not include him, then it makes it easier to realize that you may not always need him.

[ekat]

Thank you for your good advice.. Thinking about it, I realise that to him he idealises thenfirst 6 months when I was being extremely submissive out of love and he did not have to deal with me cos I was long distance. He often accuses me of faking out of love after 6 months, which I have not. But maybe it was just real life kickin in, with my desire to continue being my own person. My life is such a mess, I do not know what to do..

[ekat]

I also find that communicating to others is really not a problem, male or female, young or old. He is the only one that makes me doubt my communication skills. Unfortunately I have tried writing very neutral emails, it puts him in such a state of rage and he tells me I am saying the most horrendous things to him and nobody has treated him so badly in his entire life. He becomes reallynhurtful. I do not know what to do.

[bulrush]

Your bf sounds immature and selfish. He only thinks of himself, and disregards things you do for him (like working from your home for him) and he ignores your need to see your family more. Why do you stay with him then? Are you that desperate? Or are men just low-quality where you live?