Need male advice on this! - Why am I not enough???

[christinw]

Hey there,

Sorry in advance for the length but I have to write this down to hopefully see a bit clearer, it's deffo goin to drive me crazy if I don't get a objective view on this...

Been together with my bf for 10 months now so not that long really, we were working together last year and it all started off on a work night out.. He left his ex wife for me, filed for divorce, left his job this march and followed me to Paris where I got a traineeship for half a year. Now we are back in England, he's back in his old job and I'm doin my Masters at Uni.

About a week ago I found sth on his emails - all the way through the 6 months we were together in Paris he had "online sex" on a website where u can buy webcam sessions with girls and escort services etc. He chose girls and booked them for the camera sessions, he told them beforehand what to wear and what to do during the session, sometimes "in private" sessions where the women on there seen him masturbating as well. Afterwards he sent them messages saying how good they were and how hot they look and he wolud like to do it again, and they were "rating" his performance as well.... This has been goin on for 6 years in total I think, so wayy before me...

Confronted him, told him how much it hurt me and how upset I was and of course he was upset that I was looking at his emails, but I had my problems with the trust obviously because of the way we met, as he was married when we had sex the first couple of weeks before he told his ex.

But the point is: he said he is sorry that I feel bad about it but he did nothing wrong, it's just porn with telling the actors what to do and his ex-wife didn't have a problem with it... brilliant... thing is, he told me he hardly had a sex life with his ex so I can kind of understand why a bloke would do this kind of things then 8they were together for 10 years). But I thought our sex life was brilliant - we were only together for a couple of weeks when we went to Paris and head over heels in Love, we had sex every day, sometimes more than once...Oh and there is a 16 year age gap - I'm 22 he's 38, you would think that's quite an adventure in itself, but obviously not enough for him... Plus, what really sucks - we had hardly any money, as I was the only one working because he couldn't speak any french and it's not cheap there, and that website obvoiously costs money, or the girls themselves charge you for the sessions or sth like that. I mean I was sitting at work there every day tryin to earn enough money for us to have a good time there, and what was he doing? His "excuse" was that he was bored!

It makes me feel sick when I think about the fact that strange women seen him naked and masturbating and the way that he was talking to them and, for me it's not only porn! I don't know how to deal with it, I don't want to lose him, I was about to leave but then stayed. I do love him, he has done so much, has given up so much for me so i don't understand it. Why would u do that behind the back of someone you love and are attracted to?? He even said other women would not react like I did, they would be intrigued and try it out as well! I asked him if he wants us to watch these girls there together to spice things up but he said he doesn't want that. He told me it has nothing to do with me or our sex life, but that leaves me with absolutely no chance of changing anything or making things better? And if you are really happy in every way in a relationship, would u do this then?

I'm confused, I have absolutely no clue what to do and I can't forget it... Sorry again, I know it's long! Please let me know what you think about this - does every man do that when in a relationship??

Thanks..

[tremolo]

I'm sorry, honey. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he wasted 6 months in Paris, of all places, jerking off in front of a computer.

Something tells me you can find a more interesting man than this...

[tremolo]

And... I skipped over this item about the affair...

[Wakeup]

You had an affair with a married man and now you're wondering why he's a whank artist and you're not enough for him. lmfao.

It makes me feel sick when I think about the fact that strange women seen him naked and masturbating

Can you imagine how his wife felt?

He left his ex wife for me, filed for divorce, left his job this march and followed me to Paris

What a stupid twit he is. Enjoy! lolzzz

[christinw]

Actually I know how she felt, she didn't give a shit to be honest. They are still friends as there wasn't any relationship goin on any more back then when it happened if I believe what he said (and she). Maybe she was just acting it, of course that's possible, but as far as I know she wasn't very upset. Of course I'm aware that what I did was horrible and I've beaten myself up over destroying the marriage a lot, but you know why I'm surprised why he's acting like that? Because I thought he was the love of my life and I thought I was his, even under the stated circumstances when we became a couple.

But thanks for the insult.

[tremolo]

Anytime you get involved with someone who is in a relationship, you have to expect they'll do the same to you once you've replaced the original woman...

[christinw]

Guess I should have known better, shouldn't I.. I honestly believed him though, he said I was his soulmate, that's why he gave so much up for me... Guess that's a mistake of the unexperienced...

[sadie_genie]

It is just porn. As long as he doesn't have an addiction, there is nothing to be worried about.

[tremolo]

Guess I should have known better, shouldn't I.. I honestly believed him though, he said I was his soulmate, that's why he gave so much up for me... Guess that's a mistake of the unexperienced...

We all have to learn things the hard way sometimes. I'm sorry that happened to you... must be quite disappointing, I would imagine. But seriously.... you can do better.

[tremolo]

It is just porn. As long as he doesn't have an addiction, there is nothing to be worried about.

Everyone here probably already knows how I feel about porn usage in relationships - but regardless of all that, cam girls are a vastly different thing than porn, I would argue, and I don't think I need to comment on the escorts. So, no, OP, not all men do that in relationships. Your boyfriend - much as you love him - sounds like a dirtbag, and someone who may well have a porn addiction.

[smackie9]

This has nothing to do with you or his wife. He is addicted to sex and he needs therapy. If you really care about him, and can invest some patience, then suggest he seek out professional help, and be a part of his therapy sessions to be more proactive in his recovery. This will definitly take time, and a lot of commitment. Start your search on the internet and educate yourself on sex addiction so you can have a better understanding on whatyou are up against. Best of luck.

[Wakeup]

Actually I know how she felt, she didn't give a shit to be honest. They are still friends as there wasn't any relationship goin on any more back then when it happened if I believe what he said (and she). Maybe she was just acting it, of course that's possible, but as far as I know she wasn't very upset. Of course I'm aware that what I did was horrible and I've beaten myself up over destroying the marriage a lot, but you know why I'm surprised why he's acting like that? Because I thought he was the love of my life and I thought I was his, even under the stated circumstances when we became a couple.

But thanks for the insult.

Puleeese! I don't think you being indignant about what I said should shock you. Certainly you expected to receive some criticism for your choices and for your actions? How can you have thought that a man that would cheat on his wife (with you) would be trust worthy and would find one woman enough for his libido. Men like him have a need for the highs of strange poonanny. If you want to look on the positive side, at least he's not doing it with someone live like he did on his first wife.

He's told you he doesn't want you to be included in on the fun and that he's not going to give it up (he sounds like a real charmer). My suggestion. save yourself from anymore of his disrespect and indifference to your feelings and exit stage left. Learn from this and keep yourself away from men who are in a relationship already so you're not taking chances with men who you know (by their actions) are promiscuous by nature.

One woman is NEVER enough for (what seems to be) men like him.

P.s. I'd be totally surprised if he would agree to any type of therapy.

[sadie_genie]

Everyone here probably already knows how I feel about porn usage in relationships - but regardless of all that, cam girls are a vastly different thing than porn, I would argue, and I don't think I need to comment on the escorts. So, no, OP, not all men do that in relationships. Your boyfriend - much as you love him - sounds like a dirtbag, and someone who may well have a porn addiction.

I don't see the difference. It is a stranger online who you won't date or marry. The idea of seeing a good looking men on cam live and naked sounds pretty appealing. But as a woman, I do not need to pay to see a man (or different men) naked so that wouldn't be useful for me. However, the fact that he left his wife for the OP is certainly a red flag. The porn thing might well be part of a pattern and desire to cheat.

[smackie9]

Cheating, watching porn, hiding the sexual cyber binges, lying, denial, paying for sexual activities, selfish behaviour, these are all symptoms of sexual addiction. Just like alcoholism, drug or gambling addiction, the activity over rides all moral values, respect for others and for oneself. It's like a rat that keeps hitting the button for the experience of pleasure. He isn't a dirtbag, loser, asshole.....the man is sick and needs professional help. It sounds like a male bashing hen fest on here. I'm not saying his behaviour is acceptable, because it is absolutely not, and I do not blame you for being hurt and angry....but addiction makes you selfish and sometimes it takes someone you love to point that out and that you have a problem. If he can't acknowledge he needs help, then leave him. Most with addiction need to hit rock bottom in order to see that they do have a problem, so when he loses you, possibly lose his job, gets arrested with a prostitute, maybe just maybe he will realize that he is a mess and needs therapy. Just remember you are more than enough woman for any man, never ever think less of yourself because of someone in his position, you have two choices here, try to get him help, and work through this if you feel he is worth it, or get the f uck out.

[Wakeup]

I'm not as convinced as you are, Smackie that he has an addiction. I'm thinking it's more of a lifestyle.

Asking him to get help is always an option though.