I'm going to cheat on my girlfriend

[HeartIsAching]

Having lived in this exact situation...

You need to tell her, you need to be honest and clear in your communications. If she won't talk about it, you need to bluntly tell her that if you don't get it, you're moving on.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If her needs are being met, then I don't see the big deal with you getting yours met. If she's not going to have sex with you, and won't even talk about why, then I think you're totally justified in this arrangement you've made. No sense in dealing with the stress of breaking up and finding new living arrangements, if you've found a way that you can be happy. Maybe you g/f will even see that you're happier, and become more attracted to you again. Who knows, but I wish more guys thought like you, instead of just whining and sulking when their girl won't have sex with them.

Go through with it, and don't feel guilty. I wouldn't suggest renewing your lease though.

[Wakeup]

If her needs are being met, then I don't see the big deal with you getting yours met. If she's not going to have sex with you, and won't even talk about why, then I think you're totally justified in this arrangement you've made. No sense in dealing with the stress of breaking up and finding new living arrangements, if you've found a way that you can be happy. Maybe you g/f will even see that you're happier, and become more attracted to you again. Who knows, but I wish more guys thought like you, instead of just whining and sulking when their girl won't have sex with them.

Go through with it, and don't feel guilty. I wouldn't suggest renewing your lease though.

I don't blame him for wanting sex with someone else if she wont' do him, She needs to understand what the consequences of her actions (or lack thereof) are. however: Taking away her right to choose to stay with him while he does this other woman or to leave him if he does is a selfish and ball-less thing to do. At this point I don't think he owes her a thing but his honesty and clear and precise communcation eplaining what is about to happen because of her lack of sexual response.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She won't give him honesty, so I think he owes her nothing and is justified in doing as he pleases. This girl behaves as nothing more than a friend, why does he need to tell her about his sex life? I will give you selfish though. Ball-less, I think is a matter of how he handles it if she finds out though. It could turn out to be the ballsiest move of his life, if he handles it right. Bringing another girl into the picture might be just what is needed. I coached my old roommate through a situation with his g/f where she was neglecting and marginalizing him, and I convinced him to bang our neighbor. Two weeks into it she was begging for things to go back to the way they were. That was at the two year mark, and it's been five years and they're still going strong.

Why is it so terrible for him to have emotionless sex to keep his sanity, while he waits for his girlfriend to get over her issues?

[Wakeup]

Why is it so terrible for him to have emotionless sex to keep his sanity, while he waits for his girlfriend to get over her issues?

There's is nothing wrong with him having emotional sex with another woman while his girlfriend gets over her issues. Whats wrong is him not telling her and being honest with her about it. That's what's ball-less. He's trying to keep his chief cook and bottle washer while he gets it. That is what is so terrible. If she gives him her permission then all the power to him. On top of being disingenuious and lacking in integrity and without personal boundaries, he is also spending money for his sex which he could be putting towards sex, couples or personal therapy to overcome his ballessness and her fridgidness.

As another poster said.. She has a right to choose.

OP: Where are you? Why did she have this abortion?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Well, I'm gonna have to side Machiavelli on this one. The end justifies the means, and if he's happy, and she's happy, I don't see a problem. Like I said, at this point she's a friend. If she's not having sex with him, then she's not at risk, and not privy to the details of his sex life. Not to mention, he already has told her that he's going to sleep with other women. Whether or not she chooses to believe that is on her.


I like you Wakeup, you always remind me of my mother.

[Wakeup]

Well, I'm gonna have to side Machiavelli on this one. The end justifies the means, and if he's happy, and she's happy, I don't see a problem. Like I said, at this point she's a friend. If she's not having sex with him, then she's not at risk, and not privy to the details of his sex life. Not to mention, he already has told her that he's going to sleep with other women. Whether or not she chooses to believe that is on her.


I like you Wakeup, you always remind me of my mother.

Well, i like you too, your always come up with a good post for debate ~ but I have to say, thank God you don't remind me of my son. Integrity is a big thing when it comes to making promises in a relationship. I'm sure he promised her certain exclusivity when they moved in together and to renege on those promises now is just shitty as far as I'm concerned. Sure she's not living up to her promises either but she's not keeping it a secret from him and doing it behind his back. She's giving him a right to leave if he's not happy. He's not doing the same for her. There is no need for monogamy if all involved can come to terms with poly. If they can't, then it's time for counceling and if it can't get worked out, then it's time to leave one another.

People nearly always find out about the secret "emotionless" sex and then they become a shell of their former selves for a good while after the discovery.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

"I have told her before on several occasions that I'm going to have to have sex with other people if she continues to never want sex. "

That sounds like pretty straightforward warning, in no uncertain terms to me. What more do you want him to do, introduce them?

How is she not keeping it a secret, when she won't even tell him why?

[HeartIsAching]

Yeah... but he DOES need to have one last clear and honest communication about it. That was the mistake I made. I said "It's gonna be you, or someone else, you choose." She didn't respond, and I took that as acquiescence. Then I was bangin' some other chick on the side and wasn't trying to hide it... when she found out, I was surprised she was angry.

This guy's GF will be rightfully angry when (not if) she finds out. Nobody's saying he shouldn't do it, just that he needs to be frank with her. Hell, that MAY be all she needs to jolt her out of this selfish bullshit she's pulling, because that's all it is. If there's a problem and she's unwilling to even try to resolve it, she's simply being selfish. She's thinking she can keep her BF without ****ing him, and that's monumentally stupid.

My ex (the one I mentioned above) tried to control me with her vagina. I suppose she thought she had the only one I wanted... and that was true for a while. Enough time goes by and you start thinking that it wasn't all that special after all.

Hell, I don't even have the urge to look at other women, I love my wife deeply and wholly... but if she cut me off for a year I'd probably start looking - but I'd tell her first.

[MaidenMinx]

As a woman that has had a termination, her lack of want for sex is directly linked to the abortion. My aunt told me once you don't realise sex makes babies until you have one. I thought she was an idiot at the time because everyone knows sex makes babies. But there is difference between knowing something because you've been told and knowing something because of experience. Your gf has allowed death into the part of her body reserved for life. She isn't going to risk that again.

Both of you need counseling. Her to deal with her grief and guilt, you to realise you helped create this problem and you are behaving like a selfish jerk. Do you think she honestly enjoys living without sex? Of course not! She's scared.

And her 'lighthearted' responses, don't take them lightly. I'll bet you any money she's thinking 'yeah, try it buddy and see what happens you insensitive prick'.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I'd agree with you MM, except for the fact that she was having sex for months afterwards before she stopped. I think she just isn't attracted to the OP, but doesn't want to move out.


HeartIsAching, hats off to you. I think you handled the situation, exactly as you should have, and I don't think your ex-gf had any right to be mad. If you don't mind, I'm actually curious as to how that conversation went, and what exactly she was angry about? I'm also curious as to whether or not that was the immediate end of that relationship?

[Ilithios]

Hello folks

Well it's Saturday. I will go to band practice then meet up afterwards for some sex. Last night I almost called the whole thing off. I tried to talk to my girlfriend about the sex situation again, but still couldn't figure out a way that she would actually talked to me. I told her the same things I have said before including that I should look for sex elsewhere if she doesn't provide it. She basically said nothing then we fell asleep in each others' arms. I feel much better about the situation today. Actually kind of excited about it. I don't know how it's all going to go down, so it's like an adventure. I'll let you guys know how it went after.

For thjose of you who say I should "give her the choice" I'm sorry but that's the dumbest thing I have ever heard. I would be giving her a choice between two really bad things (breaking up or me cheating) while taking away the third option which is better than either of those! (me cheating without her knowing). If I give her that choice, her relationship (at least as she knows it) and the life she has built around it is over. I am in a position in which I can make the choice that I know to be better for her because it is impossible for her to make that choice. As long as she is unaware of the cheating, she will remain happy in the relationship. Yes, I know there is a possibility that she will find out. There is also a possibility that she won't. That's what we poker players call a Positive Expected Value decision. If choice A will always cause a loss, and choice B will sometimes cause a loss and sometimes cause a win, choose B. Those of you advocating this decision no doubt consider yourselves to be better, more upstanding people for this belief and consider others to be "selfish." Some have even stated this. I think your position is exceptionally selfish. You would intentionally hurt the woman you love when there is a way not to do so. You would do this to bolster your view of yourself as someone who does the "right" thing, but you are the only person this benefits. If you take this view, you are either incredibly short-sighted, or (more likely) you don't really love her.

@Wakeup, since you have asked twice, I guess you want to know pretty badly why she had the abortion :-) We had only known each other a matter of months when she got pregnant. It didn't cross either of our minds to have a child with someone we barely knew. Many of you are from the USA or Canada or probably another place where abortions are considered to be a huge deal. In Korea, if you get pregnant and you're not married, you get an abortion. That's just what you do. No one ever considers doing anything else. It's not like you go around telling people about it or anything but it's very common for a woman to have had at least one abortion in her life. The one with me was the second for my girlfriend.

[Phoenix23]

Since you aren't going to listen to sound advice. Let me just be the first to tell you, that you're a moron.

[MerryH]

Maybe she doesn't have sex with you anymore because she's screwing someone else. Would you be okay with that?

[Ilithios]

Maybe she doesn't have sex with you anymore because she's screwing someone else. Would you be okay with that?

The more appropriate question is whether I would be ok with her having sex with someone else if I were completely uninterested in having sex and and refused to do it even to make her happy. That situation is hard to imagine as even if I did start to find sex completely unenjoyable, I would still bite the bullet and do it to make her happy, certainly not every time she wanted to but some of the times. But I think the answer is that no, I would not have a problem with her having sex with someone else if I categorically refused her sex and I knew she needed it. Even though I would understand it, simply due to biological reasons it would not make me particularly happy so, if possible, I would not want to know about it. However, our relationship includes much bigger things than sex, so there would be no reason to be so stupid as to end it because she gets needs that I am not willing to fulfill elsewhere.

The answer to your question as asked is of course I would not be ok with that. That would mean that she is not just disinterested in sex in general but specifically disinterested in sex with me. As long as I am interested in sex, I expect her to only have sex with me, and as long as she is interested in sex, I will only have sex with her.