after 10 years

[confusedbuttery]

im 31 and after a 10 year realtionship with my boyfirend i ended it last july--- About 5 years into it we took a break for a few months and shortly (like days) after we made up i caught him with another woman.. For some reason i stayed with him but theres not one day that goes by that i dont think about it. It makes my heart race!!!!
A year later we moved in together and after about 2 years of living together and bringing it up everyday during every little argument i made him leave our home last summer.

Not only and i ashamed of him.. I am ashamed of my self for being with him after her...
Now after a year of being apart he has shown up to my job with tears in his eyes asking for forgiveness and marriage.. This is the FIRST time he has ever admitted to being wrong or asked for forgiveness..

I believe he is sincere..ive seen him cry 2 times in 10 years..

should i try again??????

[confusedbuttery]

and he agreed to go to counseling together

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sounds like you've already made your decision. One thing the counselor is going to tell you, is that you have to forgive him, and stop bringing the other woman up. Do you think you can?

When you two went on the break before, who initiated it, you or him?

[confusedbuttery]

me-- he stood me up one night--

[alicehardt]

I had a similar situation with my boyfriend of 5 years. We struggled for three of those years with very serious relationship issues. We work really well together other than that but I just couldn't forgive him for what he put me through, no matter how much I tried. We even tried counseling to no avail.
If you decide you can't get it out of your mind, than it doesn't matter how much he will apologize, you won't be happy.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Did he meet the other woman before or after you two went on your break, or do you have no way of knowing?

You also didn't answer whether or not, you can forgive him for being with her and not bring it up anymore. He's admitted he was wrong, so maybe that will be enough for you to finally move on?

[wanderlustboy]

He cheated once (!) five years ago, and you have conniptions and get breathless about this every day?!?

Seek some professional help; you'll feel much better.

[confusedbuttery]

he met her after.... i saw them together one morning when i went to bring him coffee... i dont know if i can forgive it... he wanted to me with me and i took him back only to see them together a few days later.. and im sooooo ashamed at myself for it now.

[Wakeup]

Just because he showed up at your work crying and asking you to marry him doesn't mean you should or that you have to. Why are you even contemplating getting back with someone who would reconcile with you and then a few days later you find him canoodling with some other chippy while all the time you "forgave" him you actually never did or could?

It's been a year apart, if you think you can make this work and you take him back, don't take him back until you've had couples counceling. (which I see he's agreed to go to with you) You've done nothing in the year apart to educate yourself to forgive him and not bring it up everytime he does something to piss you off. He's done nothing to educate himself about loyalty, integrity, respect. If you marry him and he cheats on you again, it will take you years to get over how stupid you were to reconcile a second time.

It's interesting that you didn't even mention that you love him.

[devonbrown]

I agree that the counseling should come BEFORE you try to make it work with him again. Not just in this situation, but in so many I have seen that getting back together with an ex just doesn't work. The reason it doesn't work is because BOTH parties are not past the things that broke them up in the first place. You got back together with this guy and he cheated on you. You decided that instead of dropping him or forgiving him that you would rub it in his face and make his life miserable in every little argument you had after that. I am sure that created a lot of resentment between the two of you. It is like you were using his cheating as a way to "win" any argument. Holding something above someone's head does not help anything.

Make sure all the issues between the two of you are resolved before you get back together. And make sure that both of you are willing to work on making the relationship work. If not, it is doomed to fail I think.

Good luck.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think its got trainwreck written all over it.



You guys get comfy, I'll go make popcorn.

[confusedbuttery]

thanks guys.. appreciate the advice... and decided to keep it movin!!! i will always love him but i will never forget or forgive.... no reason to make us both dsuffer for 5 more years..

thank you all

[confusedbuttery]

lol... i agree

[surfhb]

Yep! I don't think you allowed yourself to grow. Your 20s are a time of self discovery....that's why I discourage anyone to have a serious relationship during those early years.

[surfhb]

thanks guys.. appreciate the advice... and decided to keep it movin!!! i will always love him but i will never forget or forgive.... no reason to make us both dsuffer for 5 more years..

thank you all

good luck!!! Always remember.....you're 30s are your absolute prime in life. Learn, grow and enjoy!