To Move-Out or Not to Move-Out

[Olivia8716]

Hi,

I've 24 years old and have been with my boyfriend since I was 19. For a long time, we did long-distance. We met each other after we'd chosen our respective colleges, and so he went to school in the south and I went to school in the north. But we worked hard to see each other, him flying or me flying maybe once every couple months. His was an accelerated program, so by my senior year he was home, and during that year we lived together. After that, with me trying to find a job post-grad and everything, I went home and he lived alone for a while. Then I decided to move in with him again and try to find a job near where he was if I could. I did, and we've been living together since, for about 7 months now, not counting last summer when I went back home to help my family out with our business. (I work in a school, summers off).

SO. Lately I've been having these feelings like I might want to move out. I still really love him, and things are actually really good. I even really like living with him. I can't really complain about any nasty boy habits or anything. Well, maybe dirty clothes everywhere, but anyway. I just feel like I've been with him for so long, and I even lived with him through part of college. I feel this kind of yearning to get out on my own a little bit. Take care of myself. He's done such a good job of taking care of me throughout our relationship that I feel like I've come to depend on him too much. I guess I just always thought I'd been more of an independent girl, and here I am basically living a susie-homemaker lifestyle at 24.

Again, I really want to stress that I still really love him. Right now I can't see anything wrong with our relationship that would make me want to move out. He's literally my best friend.

But sometimes, like I said, I'll just get this nagging feeling...like, I don't want to be *this* settled, at this age, never having gone out and been on my own at all. It almost feels like something inside me is trying to tell me, you'll regret it if you just stay here from here on out.

But then, I'll also have days where I'm like, here I have this boy who I'm in love with, he's in love with me, he's the kindest person, my best friend, and comfort can be nice. Couching it and watching football on Sundays can be nice.

Am I crazy to be thinking these things?

The extreme hesitation I've been having about actually moving forward with moving out (besides online browsing, and even visiting a couple places by myself), is that I worry that at this point in our relationship moving out could mean causing a breakup. There would be less loose ends. Less to tie up if we had a bad patch, you know?

Also, he does know that I've felt this way. He's said he was devastated when I first told him, but he would respect it if that's what I felt like I wanted/needed to do. But then, he's also said he doesn't know whether it would be good or bad for us.

The idealistic part of me thinks it could be good. It could mean both of us finding some time to work on our individual selves, satisfying that itch (for me), and then coming back together as better, more mature versions of ourselves in a little while. (He's a year younger than me by the way).

But the pessimistic part of me really worries that ultimately, at this point, I should be ok with living with him. We've been together long enough. ?=/ The hurt I might cause him by leaving might really damage us. And so on.

Any thoughts on all this would be appreciated. Thanks.

[wanderlustboy]

Am I crazy to be thinking these things?

Not at all; having doubts is human. I think that the problem is that sometimes we have a feeling that we can't articulate, and so we try to assign it to a particular aspect of our lives. We don't always get it right. I would encourage you to be entirely sure about where these feelings come from before you take the action you appear to be c onsidering (moving out while attempting to maintain a romantic relationship).

If you don't like being Susie Homemaker, get out of the house more (I know, fairly obvious). Or move out if you insist. But you should really be 1000% sure before you proceed; I can almost guarantee it will strain the relationship if you do opt to move out.

I was in a somewhat similar situation; I met my (now) ex when I was 19. I was only halfway through my undergraduate degree; he had graduated and done a four year service in the British army already and was starting his career in the private sector. We were at very different points in our lives, and my life kind of became subsumed into his. His friends became our friends (the ones we primarily spent time with socially; older and exclusively coupled, instead of my university and school friends). We moved into a place together but my contribution was nowhere near half (and never would be considering the kind of money I was earning and the apartment's location and size). I was pretty young, he was very worldly, and so he really took the lead in our relationship. There was also some strain from the amount of time he spent overseas for work.

By the time I was 23, I felt that despite having become more mature, more sure of myself, and that I had more insight into myself and life generally, I had also come to a point where I was not making my own decisinos, and nor were we equal partners in our relationship; my life had essentially started to revolve around his aspirations and career because they were all-consuming and financially far more important to our lifestyle than mine. Because of the o/s travel issue, I made an enormous mistake and broke up with him. I assumed we would get back together, we would talk about it and he would assure me things would be different, and everything would be fine. We never got back together and I kick myself for this very poor decision because he is the most intelligent, funny, generous, well-read and unbearably good loooking guy; I've met guys since who are as good-looking, or as intelligent, but none of them with all the qualities I mentioned. It was a really stupid, impulsive move and if I had just taken the time to look explore other things that would result in the same outcome, I would not be in the position today.

After we broke up, I decided to move to London and live and work over here for a while to get out of my comfort zone and live in another country, and that has been great and I've had great experiences and learned many things about myself, and it has done my career incalculable favours, but even with all that I would probably still choose to be with him if I could make that decision again.

Think very carefully whether you have considered all of the options to fill that void in your life without resorting to ending your current domestic arrangements. From his perspective, it might come across as, "I know that I absolutely love her and want to live with her; after four or five years together why is she suddenly unsure about our relationship/living arrangements etc and should I wait around while she decides whether she wants a serious relationship". Probably best to avoid that if you can.

wlboy