At my wits end - what to do?

[Lovefoolz]

Hi!

I'm a 36 year old guy who loves a younger chick - she's 27. We met like 5 years ago and have been living together for 3 - and our life together has been both the best time of my life - as well as the most frustrating.

She is so shy that she can sit quietly at a table without ever saying a word - and that is usually my fault, according to her. She only speaks freely when she is at home with her parents.

She often starts crying for no reason. We can be out shopping and she starts crying and wants to go home - and when I ask her about it she says she doesn't know why she cries.

She says she doesn't have any dreams - she works as a temp at a kindergarten and has been doing so for 2 years and doesn't really seem to care about achieving anything. She quit the university before she got her degree, after she met me.
She has a hard time answering the phone and she has an equally hard time to say no to people.

Now I have tried every kind of encouragement known to man. I tell her I love her 5 times a day. I hug her. I kiss her. I touch softly and tell her she's wonderful - but she never comes out of her shell.

She almost feels like she's half a person. Like she's empty somehow...

What to do? I love her but I feel like I'm getting absolutely nowhere with this - and I get no response when I try to talk to her.

Everything is just my fault somehow..

[smackie9]

She either suffers from depression or a social anxiety of some kind. Odd behaviour like that deserves a visit to a doctor for a proper diagnosis with possible drug therapy and counseling.

[smackie9]

If you do have trouble suggesting for her to seek help, it might be a good idea for you to discuss it with her parents to see if you can get their support.

[vashti]

In some ways, I can relate, as I am very reserved and private in social settings, and really only ever feel free to be myself when I am with my sisters. Trust me on this: she is NOT a shell. She has a lot going on in her thoughts... she just doesn't feel good about expressing them with you.

I agree she may be depressed. (Pretty obvious, with her crying in public.) I suggest cognitive behavioral therapy, but speaking as a nurse who believes the population is vastly over-medicated, I sincerely hope she stays off the psych drugs. They don't work half the time, anyway, and when they do, they often create addicts.

[bpem]

Yes, please do seek counseling for your friend. Also, I do agree with trying to avoid medication.. While it may seem like it's helping, these psych drugs have many side-effects. Your efforts to help her are admirable but you may need to seek outside help.

[Lovefoolz]

Sigh...

Yeah, I've tried to get her to talk to someone but that just ends up with her getting angry at me for putting her down and/or not being satisfied with her. As if I could stand by idly watching someone I love suffer...

I honestly don't know what to do - either I kick her out or I give it another year and see if some hard work can change her mind...

[vashti]

you need to tell her you are considering leaving, or she won't be motivated to do things differently. but be careful - she may decide that it is okay for you to go.

[Lovefoolz]

Yeah, I know I stand the chance of losing her - but she's already losing her own inner battle. What does her being with me matter if she is not happy?

Above all things I wish her happiness..

Even if it is without me

[Karmaandfate]

If she is so shy how did you got her to go out in the beginning? How was she when you first met? I don't think therapy will do any good. If you are in your third decade you know people don't change their core characteristics. Morning person is morning person. Cleanliness is cleanliness. Shy will be shy. I hate saying this to you. But I believe love is destiny. You are not the only one, as you know, loves someone all the way but are not getting what you want. You see couples all over the world who are with each other when they shouldn't be. If money and looks could secured happiness to the end then we wouldn't have breakups or cheating in the that demographic, but we do. What meant to be will be and this is the beginning of that chain reactions.Therefore, after you have exhausted your options you have to move on. You can't overcome fate. I believe she will meet someone who she openly talks to. He could be a jerk but I hope not. She is passive aggressive type. I have dated one so I know. I learned a long time ago. If someone wants to tell you something, they will. Forcing them to do talk will only lead to frustrations, arguments and lies. I rather hear nothing at all than lies. It took you this long because you think time will change people. NO, THEY DON'T. If five years didn't do anything, how is another year going to change? More importantly, you need to marry her. I think that what she needs more than therapy. If you are not willing after this long, then she is nothing more than a convenience for you. After two years, if you don't step up, you've got to step. You will stray sooner or later if this keeps up if you haven't already.

[Lovefoolz]

Ooookey...I honestly didn't understand one thing in that post...