Just heard from my ex

[lilyjrt]

We were together 3 years and we broke up 4 months ago. When I broke up with her, it came as a surprise to her. We were in a big fight and things just got worse and worse, and to be truthful, I have been unhappy for a while when the fight happened that she wasn't aware of, so one thing lead to another, I decided to end it. While it all seem very sudden and abrupt to her, it wasn't so much the case with me. I told her the spark was gone and I was no longer happy with the relationship.

We cut off all contact when we broke up and I moved out of state to start graduate school, so it was a good fresh start for me. Today, she emailed me a long message. Wanting some sort of closure, or explanation, and that I gave up on something very special and was not truthful with my feelings. Shes not completely false. I did give up, could I have salvaged the relationship by saying something much earlier? maybe, but you can say that about any relationship. But at the same time, during my 4 months apart, I did not at any point want to get back with her or want to contact her. I do secretly, and selfishly wish her and I can be friends again in the future. I don't think I still hold resentment towards her, I wish her to be happy. I can't go back and recount what went wrong and what we could have done to change things. I wish I can give her the closure she needs but I don't think I'm able to give her a satisfying response. Also, I don't think I have it completely figured out either...

so how should I respond to her? I don't want to hurt her any more, but I don't want to give her false hopes. I love her but there are things that I just don't think can be changed for me to be in a happy relationship with her. I want to give her closure but I don't think I can... help, thanks

[workingman78]

to be blunt, take what you just wrote (minus the part where you asking for help giving background) add in the things that won't change for you, and send it to her.

[bulrush]

All relationships lose that spark, it comes and goes. You have to work to make love "spark" again. Try doing new things together. If you give up so easily, no one will want to put up with you. If you were happy with her, and the only issue is this nebulous "spark" thing, do you want to try again?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I don't want to hurt her any more, but I don't want to give her false hopes. I love her but there are things that I just don't think can be changed for me to be in a happy relationship with her.

I think this should be enough. Maybe mention what the things that can't be changed are, but other than that there isn't much else you can do for her. Mention that you would like to be friends again once she's dealt with everything, but it won't go any further than that. I also think bulrush is wrong saying that you gave up easily. If it's not what you want, you can't force it, and doing so just makes one or both people resentful and unhappy.

[lilyjrt]

Thanks for the replies,

and to reply to Bulrush: the loss of "spark" is a result of other issues with the dynamics of the relationship that just isn't working for me. Things I'm not going to go in to... So rather than the lack of "spark" as a cause of the break up, its a number of other things caused the loss of the spark that made me feel I am no longer getting anything out of the relationship.