What do you do...what do you do Please help me.

[PatrickJane22]

This is going to sound like an awkward question...but what happens if you don't love the love of your life, but you're with her?

I am still in love with the one I could never be with, and it isn't that whole "the one that got away" thing.

I've been with Jenna (fake name for these people) for 5 years now...and I do love her and am in love with her...she is the love of my life. But I love Hillary more, and i rarely ever see her but she's always kind of just been IT for me. She changed me forever, it is an irreversible change and even though I'm in love with Jenna, i literally can never stop thinking of Hillary. I didn't build Hillary up in my head as "the one" and i didn't convince myself she is...it's so effortless and perfect but circumstances just pull us apart, and then we don't talk but we still know we are thinking of each other and always have hope that we'll end up together one day. I'm 25 years old and i do not know what to do. At this point it seems like i'm going to marry my longtime girlfriend Jenna, but is that wrong of me? wouldn't i be lying to everyone and myself if i did that? knowing I will never fully be in love with anyone but Hillary?

Any thoughts or opinions help. Thank you so much in Advance

[Keating1000]

Your lying to yourself and your true feelinga by staying with Jenna.

Are you certain that you and Hillary will definitely not work? Can you not change the circumstances that are pulling you apart?

Regards

[Gypsybell]

You are making Jenna your second best choice. No woman deserves to have a bloke marry her under those conditions. And you don't 'love her' you are using her. So get it straight. Trust me, you don't want any lacklustre wedding night feeling trapped and blue because you have just put another wedge between you and your 'one true love'. Grow up a little before you marry any poor girl. I take it 'Hilary ' is somebody else's wife already? Or what exotic reason is there for you not to be with this wraith in your mind? Won't she have you? so you 'did the best you can' and intend to give yor pathetic leftovers to Jenna, whilst continuing to mope and 'hope you'll be with Hilary someday?'


What?You'll divorce Jemma if the other one becomes available, but in the meantime, you'll just use her. And what of any kids from the union? JUST LISTEN TO YOURSELF, YOU ARE SOOO UNFAITHFUL EVEN BEFORE MARRIAGE, AND YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER.YES, IT WOULD BE WRONG OF YOU TO MARRY ONE GIRL WHILE YOU IMAGINE YOURSELF TO BE IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER. sO CALL IT OF AND STOP WASTING 'JEMMA'S LIFE.
Even if you don't have a chance with the other one, you need to let Jemma off the hook. And for God's sake, don't marry anyone til you know what love is. ( which isn't your wishy washy version of it) I think you just carry Hilary around in your head because you're bored with the relationship you have and need an excuse not to commit.

[searock]

Jenna is clearly NOT the "love of your life". You are supposed to be in love with the love of your life, to love her above anyone else. It's clearly not the case. Regardless of whether Hillary is available or not, you should break up with Jenna. Stop wasting her time, even if you have a good time together and care for each other a lot, it's not "true love". Let her free and stick to your true feelings from now on. I've been there, that's how I learned.

[bulrush]

I was married for 10 years, got divorced. I'm in my 40s, and just found the love of my life. Sometimes it takes a little longer. You will know when you have "the one" for sure. You will have no doubt. If you have any doubt at all, DON'T GET MARRIED. You will regret it, like I did.

Next, I suggest you ignore your emotions for a bit, and list the things you like about Jenna, and the things you like about Hilary. Then list the things you don't like about each. Now net those things together. Which relationship has a better chance of surviving long term? If you make decisions based on emotions alone, you will likely regret it.

[PatrickJane22]

It's hard to explain, while it is quite effortless with Hillary (and no she isn't married), there is always some circumstance that has gotten in our way. We spent the better part of 2 years together, but during that time I was traveling around the world quite often so after much internal debate I let her go so she wasn't dragged around by that lifestyle and so she could live her own life and not lead the one I was. And then once I found a new job and settled back down in my hometown I got together with someone and so did she, and we kind of found each other again and started to date again. Long story short we pushed each other away a multitude of times like this. I know for me I did it because the feelings she creates within me, and the man she makes me want to be scare the living crap out of me. And it always has no matter what has been going on with me or the world at large. We still talk occasionally and we both know it's still there but now i can't acknowledge it because I'm with someone (for a long period of time) and so is she. Here's the thing, she is wildly unhappy in just about every relationship she's been in (including the one she's in now), but i on the other hand have had luck with some relationships especially with Jenna whom i do love very much, but it's just incredibly confusing.

[ices]

My opinion, go with your gut. You are obviously not totally satisfied with your relationship with Jenna, let her go. You want Hilary, go get her if that's possible, but don't marry someone just because you feel/or others feel you should. You are not just dealing with your own life, there are others involved....respect them and yourself. Maybe take a complete break from any relationships to get your head together and know what you want knowing that it won't hurt anyone else.

[bulrush]

I think your emotions are confusing. Here's a bit of advice: NEVER use your emotions to make big decisions like this. I think you are infatuated with Hillary for some reason. Maybe she IS better than Jenna in SOME aspects. But think of the facts of each girl, ignoring your emotions for bit. Which relationship will last the longest? Because emotions always come and go in any relationship, they fade and return. Maybe you just want some more excitement with Jenna? Well, you have to get off your duff and make your own excitement. That's true of any relationship.

Summary:

1. Emotions wax and wane in any relationship.
2. If you want excitement, make it in your current relationship.
3. Don't make emotions to make big decisions. Emotions are for which ice cream you want today, not who you want to spend your life with.
4. Most people get infatuated with someone they don't know very well. Infatuation is not love.
5. And love does not cure all things. Only actions fix things.

[jen91]

Jenna is clearly NOT the "love of your life". You are supposed to be in love with the love of your life, to love her above anyone else. It's clearly not the case. Regardless of whether Hillary is available or not, you should break up with Jenna. Stop wasting her time, even if you have a good time together and care for each other a lot, it's not "true love". Let her free and stick to your true feelings from now on. I've been there, that's how I learned.

I completely agree. Dont waste your time or hers. You will always wonder what could have been if you stay with Jenna and that is absolutely unfair to her.