I don't think I have ever been this confused, please help!

[Zoecat]

As someone who is usually a bit of an emotional rock this is all very confusing for me. I am 22...and have had two serious relationships, but this is new ground. I really appreciate anyone who reads this and has viewpoints.

The precursor to this story is that the guy it involves is grieving, seriously. His best friend of 20 years drowned in an accident 6 months ago. He hasn’t come to terms with it, and he basically lost a brother. He is incredibly emotionally closed and finds it very hard to admit to his feelings.

I met him in May, when I was actually seeing someone else. He and I have a lot of mutual acquaintances and basically one day he saw me and asked his friends, who I know, who I was. He then engineered an introduction in which he insisted that we had met before (we hadn’t) and we talked for a little while. Then he added me on Facebook and we kept very loosely in touch. Then in August, I went on a trip with my University year to Edinburgh. His best friend’s are in the year above who came too, and he joined them at the last minute. In Edinburgh I put up with a lot of teasing about how he liked me, but I completely wrote him off because I thought he was an absolute idiot. Honestly, he was loud and abrasive and seemed to have a serious penchant for being so cheeky it was borderline rude. But I started to see little glimpses of a good nature underneath all the arsehole behaviour he was carefully cultivating. He looked after people when he thought no one was watching, and on a few occasions he was incredibly sweet and compassionate. One night in Edinburgh I got very drunk, and we kissed. We barely spoke after that, he studiously ignored me, but when we got home he got my number and started to text me. Every single day. While I was home for the summer (he lives in my University town) he and I spent all day every day texting and I got to see the real him. I realised I had totally misjudged him and he is actually kind, funny and incredibly intelligent. He was so excited to see me when I got back to my Uni house that he turned up on my doorstep the first night I was back. He was drunk…I was too a little bit. He stayed, but we didn’t have sex, we just cuddled and talked.

After that night he was very closed in the morning when he left, and we barely text at all. But whenever he was out and drunk, he would always want to see me and we would always end up kissing, behaving like a couple and just generally being very close. One night he walked me home after a night out and just let his emotions come pouring out. He told me how much he liked me, but how he couldn’t inflict his emotional state on anyone at this point, and about how he didn’t want a girlfriend. He talked about his best friend. He said he is dealing with the loss so badly he doesn’t know how to cope. After that I didn’t hear from him really for about two weeks, until he turned up on my doorstep again at 2am, and we spent the night together again. Once again, we didn’t have sex. We just spent time together. Then, last night, he knew I was going to be where he was. He found me and we talked for about half an hour, he said how he can’t get me out of his head, but he’s just terrified about how he feels and he really doesn’t want a relationship. I told him I appreciated his honesty but I didn’t know what to do with it because I didn’t want to just keep seeing him drunk and never speaking when he was sober. I told him I thought he was scared and when he was sober he just couldn’t deal with his real feelings. He more or less agreed. I met his friends, and his closest female friend took me to one side and basically told me that he adores me, that he talks about me all the time and he told her he thinks I’m “the one”. She said she knows how emotionally closed he can be, but that she hopes I won’t give up on him.

Then today, he text me and apologised. He said that he wanted to just be friends, because he doesn’t want a relationship and he feels it would be unfair for him to lead me on. I text back and said I respected his honesty, and I felt like I should make it clear that I don’t believe for a second that it was because he doesn’t have feelings for me. He said he does, but he just can’t be in a relationship. I have fallen hard for this guy and I’m cut up.

My question is, what do I do now? Do I just completely give up? Do I give him space and then get in touch in a couple of weeks to see how he is? He is the furthest thing from a player imaginable, I know if he was going to be with anyone it would be me. I don’t know if I can just let it go, but maybe I should. I genuinely need some outside opinions.

[persina]

just give him some time... hes going through hard times, maybe he just needs to get over that somehow before he can worry about things like being in a relationship with someone. maybe a little distance will help... if u dont talk to him for about a month and he doesnt call you, you know that he is fine without you. but more then likely he will be back sooner or later (when hes drunk) telling u the same things hes told u before. let him know that u have feelings too and that u dont want anyone playing games with you....( even if that happens unintentionally ) only you know if he is worth the wait and how long u should wait before u realize that it might not be worth it. good luck

[Zoecat]

just give him some time... hes going through hard times, maybe he just needs to get over that somehow before he can worry about things like being in a relationship with someone. maybe a little distance will help... if u dont talk to him for about a month and he doesnt call you, you know that he is fine without you. but more then likely he will be back sooner or later (when hes drunk) telling u the same things hes told u before. let him know that u have feelings too and that u dont want anyone playing games with you....( even if that happens unintentionally ) only you know if he is worth the wait and how long u should wait before u realize that it might not be worth it. good luck

Thank you...that helped to hear. I guess I should just leave him alone.