Living with my boyfriend AND my parents and it's really hard! Any advice?

[GenuineGf]

I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend (24) for almost 4 years. The first 3 years of our relationship were fantastic, we were relatively care free at university and once we graduated, we got a little flat together while I worked and he did his post-grad year. Unfortunately, I lost my job at the same time as he graduated, and as we were pretty strapped anyway we decided to move home. As my boyfriend’s family lives on the other side of the country we agreed with my parents that we would both stay at my family home.

My parents are very loving and supportive (they don’t even charge either of us rent!) but they do still think of me as their little girl and don’t really treat me as an adult. My boyfriend and I aren’t allowed to sleep in the same room, and since I’ve been home I’ve been expected to commit a lot of time to my family (parents, siblings and grandparents).

We’re also both very down about not being able to find work and this pretty much takes up every thought and action in the day.
All of this has meant that our sex life is almost nonexistent, and when any fun stuff does happen, it is usually rushed and unromantic. When we do occasionally have some time to ourselves, because we have been treated like children for so long and lacked any kind of romance, it feels more like we are brother and sister than girlfriend and boyfriend.

I feel like we are living like an old married couple who have lost their spark, rather than the stereotypical newlywed lifestyle we had before, enjoying our independence and our blossoming relationship. How can we get that feeling back!?!

[Cerby]

Are you both graduated, and are you paying anything back to student loans?

If you have no loan debt, why do you both just get some sort of simple work, restaurant work etc, just enough to pay the rent on a small studio or 1 bedroom together? 2 people making minimum wage is more than enough to afford the rent at a small place. Then search for your career job on the side.

[Kaius]

Why are you 2 so set on living together in the first place? You guys are not ready to be adults financially.
You should stay home, and he should find a small apartment. That way you guys have your private location, and you don't get treated like children.
If you are not ready to live like adults (pay for yourselves), then you shouldn't live like adults (live together).

[Cerby]

Why are you 2 so set on living together in the first place? You guys are not ready to be adults financially.
You should stay home, and he should find a small apartment. That way you guys have your private location, and you don't get treated like children.
If you are not ready to live like adults (pay for yourselves), then you shouldn't live like adults (live together).

Kaius, read the entire post, you're a veteran here. They can't find jobs, but I assume they're only looking in their respective fields instead of taking an "accept anything" approach, which is what they should do. But I do agree that if you're not in a position financially to live on your own, then you shouldn't complain about the arrangements you have.

[devonbrown]

If you want to keep the romance alive in your relationship in the situation you are in, I would suggest going out on dates with each other. Even cheap things like the two of you going on a walk together, window shopping downtown, etc. will help the two of you reconnect and enjoy some time together.

Since you two are not married, I understand your parents acting the way they are acting. And unfortunately, since you two are living there rent-free, you sort of have to take the bad with the good.

Good luck.

[Boisdevie]

If you live with parents then they decide the rules. The only other solution is to earn enough money to rent a place of your own.
That said, the parents sound a bit uptight about the sex stuff. My daughter is 22. When she comes to visit with her BF I let them share the same room - I figure if he's good enough for her than that's good enough for me and none of my business.

[bulrush]

• Kaius said: You guys are not ready to be adults financially.
• Cerby said: But I do agree that if you're not in a position financially to live on your own, then you shouldn't complain about the arrangements you have.
• Devonbrown said: And unfortunately, since you two are living there rent-free, you sort of have to take the bad with the good.
• Boisdevie said: If you live with parents then they decide the rules. The only other solution is to earn enough money to rent a place of your own.

I agree with all of the above. Since the economy is so bad, you have to compromise. Save your money for your own apartment. The only thing I would add is get any job that pays fairly decent wages, and use that to save up money and pay for rent. You have to do whatever you can to survive. Sometimes that means taking temp jobs not in your field of study.

What are the fields of study (majors) for you both?

You don't realize it, but your parents have these rules to "encourage" you to move out on your own.

[GenuineGf]

Thank you everyone for your advice. Believe me, both of us realise that the ideal situation would be to move out, once you’ve had that independence and got used to ‘being adults financially’, it’s VERY hard to go back. It was my parents suggestion that we move back in with them and I am incredibly grateful to them and happy with the rules they've put in place for me and my partner. If I wasn’t I would have said something, as I am very close to my parents, however I don’t want to start pushing the boundaries when they’ve already done so much for us!

I am an ecologist (or want to be!) and my bf is a solicitor. We are working hard to find jobs but as everyone knows it’s next to impossible. There are at least 500 applicants per place for law jobs here, and I applied for a cleaning type job at an aquarium and there were 90 applicants for that! (They didn’t take me because they didn't think I would stick around if something better came up... which is true). We have talked about getting alternative jobs just to earn enough to get a place for ourselves, but (having done it before while living in our flat) I know it really doesn’t leave much time for applications. As Cerby said, we are being a bit optimistic and holding out for jobs in our fields. When we discussed moving home, my parents said the benefits would be that we could focus entirely on applications and (as we are both applying all over the country, and abroad) that we could up a leave as soon as we got accepted without losing money on a renting contract.

I have read many books and blogs on strategies for riding out the recession as a recent graduate, and all this aside, the advice I was really looking for is more along the lines of what Devon said (thank you!). What can we do as a couple to keep the romance in our relationship in this less than ideal circumstance?