How would my wife see this?

[i need a friend]

Married 11 years together 16. 3 kids, 7yrs/5yrs/ 5months. 3 months ago wife told me she loved me but was not in love with me.
Now some background:
My wife has some body issues, she is a stunning sexy woman but only sees an overweight aging person. She has an eating disorder which comes and goes. When she is very stressed the disorder is very regular.
About 4 years ago I got hooked on internet porn. My wife found some pictures on my laptop and thought I was having an affair, I wasn't. I managed to kick the porn habit after 1 relapse a few months later and am now porn free.
Around 18 months ago a girl I work with started texting me outside work hours. The messages were innocent like, what are you up to etc. There were maybe 4 messages a day. I never deleted the messages as there was nothing to hide and they were not flirty but my wife discovered them and was very unhappy (of course). I stopped contact and all was well I thought.
We went on a holiday last July and it was the best ever. We were never closer and when we got back we decided to try for a 3rd baby. We got pregnant in September and all was great. (or so I thought).
This March (my wife 6/7 months pregnant) I noticed she was receiving texts from a number. I asked her about it and she said it was nothing. A couple of days later she confessed to me, it was an old bf (from 20yrs ago) she had been talking/texting and meeting since November and she kissed him. She said that as soon as she kissed him she knew it was wrong and felt nothing for him. She offered to move out. I told her no way, she was pregnant and that if she stopped contact with this guy we would work through it. She agreed.
We had our 3rd baby in June and everything was great, then one weekend in July I noticed some texts on her phone from a different number. I rang it and it was him. She had cut contact for 1-2 weeks. I confronted her and this is when she told me that she "loved me but was not in love with me" I asked her if she loved this other guy she said no.
A few weeks later I came across her phone bills....she was averaging 3000 texts a month and 28-29 hours of phone conversations with this guy. On the day she had our baby she was texting him before it. Then 2 days later a 2 hour conversation with him.
I was furious and confronted her, she said that he had been going through a separation and needed her support. Since then I have discovered that she has met him a few times and that he has moved to a house 5 minutes away from ours.

I spoke to her brother and her friend about this, I needed some outside views..big mistake. They both told her I had spoken to them and she was very very angry.
Now, she is in Japan for the past 4 weeks studying and will be back in 1 week. We speak on Skype so she can see the kids but all she says to me, after the kids are out of the room is "I'm sleeping with loads of men over here", I hate you, I don't dont' dont' don't don't love you anymore. Now she has asked for a divorce.

She returns in 1 week and I don't know what to do. I still love her and want to save our marriage. She won't go to counselling with me, and wants me out of the house.

I have made mistakes, but how do I show her that I want to work this out?

Ladies, I need help

[Cerby]

This is a guy answering, but most of the regulars here will read and answer all forums.

You can't save something if both parties aren't willing to work for it. She has made it clear she wants to leave.

That said, here is an article about a woman that saved her marriage when her husband tried to cut and run, not sure if it will help you, but worth a read.

[url=http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all&fb_source=message]Modern Love - Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear - NYTimes.com[/url]

[MaidenMinx]

That's an awesome article, Cerby. I have nothing more to add.

[upandaway]

YOu keep the house, make HER get out, no reason why she gets to be a huge bully to you like that. Tell her she can have her divorce, change the locks, and have all her shit waiting on the front step when she gets home next week. Please do not allow her to walk all over you, she will NEVER respect you if you try to take her back. You are just going to have to accept its over and cut her out of your life as much as possible.

I HIGLY suggest you go to the forum talkaboutmarriage.com and start a thread on the coping with infedility section, you will find so much help there!

[surfhb]

YOu keep the house, make HER get out, no reason why she gets to be a huge bully to you like that. Tell her she can have her divorce, change the locks, and have all her shit waiting on the front step when she gets home next week. Please do not allow her to walk all over you, she will NEVER respect you if you try to take her back. You are just going to have to accept its over and cut her out of your life as much as possible.

I HIGLY suggest you go to the forum talkaboutmarriage.com and start a thread on the coping with infedility section, you will find so much help there!

Obviously thats not going to work. There are laws in this country against that. plus she owns half of the the house and everything else

[Wakeup]

Obviously thats not going to work. There are laws in this country against that. plus she owns half of the the house and everything else

Which is why he shouldn't leave the house which is half his.

I like Cerby's article too. I think it's worth the effort to try and work this out. Just don't let it get to the point where she's out galavanting while you're looking after the family and the house and working full time for too long. If she doesn't come to her senses within a reasonable length of time (6 months) then it will be time to sell the home and split the proceeds.

I'll add that I'd be talking to a lawyer about my rights in the meantime.

[Gypsybell]

I like Cerby's article too and certainly endorse the bit where it says 'sometimes you just need not to take it personally' when a partner strikes out verbally, especially ir it is out of character. Stresses and hormones and aging processes all come into play in long term relationships. As to op's situation, I am noting that his wife went off the rails A)when she was pregnant B)and now she is still 5 months post partum, plus studying 'overseas' and with a family of3 under 7. Then we have her worrying about her 'body image', an eating disorder and lastly, not the least. hubby was periodically cought choosing porn over her and communicating happily with a girl.

So that's a lot of stressors and no one is blameless here. But hubby has stated an honest case and I think Cerby's article fits the bill nicely as an aidto understanding and possibly hope for salvage of this marriage.

It might help to make note of the fact that pregnancy hormones often boost libido and erotic feelings and a pseudo 'romance' on a phone to go with it is not much different to hubby's Porn addiction, so maybe they are even on that score, just a shame she didn't turnto her hubby instead, but the body image fetish could account for that . I doubt the other bloke means anything to her other than he was there, and willing to flirt, (as the girl was when op was into being a little chufed by outside attention, and that does happen periodically, in perfectly normal marriages). I think the wife is overwhelmed with all the emotional drains of her situation .Does shhave th baby with her, or is she coping with seperation from it on top of study and trying to yell at hubby for a vent release?

If you've ever been in a delivery room and heard some of the catechizing howls of venemous abuse birthing mum's screech at their partners for causing their condition, you can almost grin at this lady's '...don't, don't, don't luv u anymore!'

I think that if you don't react, don't hound her, and don't give her the fight she's looking for, she will simmer down and subside into her old sweet self and you'll be better than ever, more equal by your human errors and similariteis than before. I mean, why would you worry about the bloke on the phone, he's nothing but a pawn! Probably not even a contender to take on her headaches and babies. It's a fantasy. Keep your head and let it fizzle. Dig for your humour and grin at her tantrums if you can. good luck.

[Gypsybell]

PS. And don't move out of your house or away from your kids. She never neededyou more than she does right now, if you remove your support she will have a genuine reason to re-inforce her fantasy. You are half way there, having brought it out into the open by telling her family. Off course she's angrywith you for bursting her bubble. But youdid the right thing. There's nothing like family to bring one down to earth. And you have three kids involved here, that's family business.

[IndiReloaded]

There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?

Truth^. Is now the time to point out that I go away for a week each year sans family? Same for our parents. All long-haul, first marriages. Numbers don't lie.

Here's a more classic quote on the same lines:

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.