Need Advice... Can Anyone Please Help?

[TheNewGuy09]

Where shall I start? I hope there are those who have the patience to read this. Sorry in advance if I seem to write a short novel here, but this is what I feel I need to do. My hope is that both experienced men and women can offer me their perspectives, as well as their heart break stories and how they overcame them. I ultimately want to heal this part of my life and move on, but it's been 4 months and I still for some reason have issues with what happened... Let me get into it.

First, off I see myself as a great guy. I like to treat people the way I'd like to be treated. I learned to value and respect the women in my life due to my close relationship with my mother. In February 2010, my family found out that my mom has stage 3 ovarian cancer. It devastated all of us to learn she had a 50/50 chance of living. I've always seen myself as a strong and stable person emotionally and mentally... even physically due to my exercise and diet rituals. However, after months of taking care of my mother it began to wear on me... It was a rollercoaster ride, however, luckily, that fall of 2010 my mom went into remission. Thank God.

During my mom's sickness I had dated a few girls but nothing serious. I felt like I needed an outlet away from home life, and wanted to still find ways to love and enjoy my life with women. Those dating relationships were very short lived, but I was not upset because I knew they only would be. Before we dated I was honest and told the women that I couldn't get serious with them at the time because of my mom's cancer. When my mom went into remission I thought I was home free and able to go out and get serious with someone.

Late January of 2011 I met Emily. I was almost 27 and she was 21. I'm not one to judge age because I'm more about the connection I feel with someone. Emily and I first started out talking casually, but soon we discovered we were hitting it off quite well via emails and phone conversations. It felt right. So I decided to drive to meet her. She lived about 45 minutes away, and to me the distance didn't matter. So I hopped in my car and drove to meet her. When I met her there was something about her that I just made me feel good inside. She was someone who I was attracted to physically, but not only that our conversations made me attracted to her personality which I thought was more important. The emotions were raging. I fell in love.

Our relationship started off very passionate... which I think is normal. The sex was great, our time spent together was great, we shared so much in common. The thrill of having someone in my life was awesome! Keep in mind it had been years before I had a committed relationship. I was ready to share my love with someone and enjoy a partnership. With having that said please know that i still did not try and move things too fast. Within a month, Emily would tell me, "I like you a lot".. Hesitating to say that "Love" word because I think she wanted me to say it first. Part of me wanted to wait. I did have huge feelings for her... more so than any other woman I EVER dated... but I waited because there was a small part of her life I did not trust. You see she still kept in contact with her ex boyfriend, had his name tattooed on her arm, and still hung out with him(they remained friends), as well as several other guy friends she had at the time. It was awkward to me, but I wasn't going to be that asshole controlling boyfriend that women always seem to hate. I felt like I did the right thing and just accept her as is. Love unconditionally.

So the following few months were great. We traveled together, went to her art show, met each other's parents, and everything seemed to be going great. There were a few rough occasions where she celebrated her anniversary with her ex by playing mini golf with him, and times when she'd have her other guy friends come over to watch movies with her. Keep in mind I'm 50 miles away and there was no way of me knowing what she was doing all the time. She said they were just friends, but was she telling me the truth?

4 months later in May, she decided to break off the relationship. She said she couldn't handle me living at home with my mom even though I explained to her why... because I was taking care of her. She wasn't happy with the job that I had.. so on and so on. Seemed to me she put a lot of conditions on the relationship. We broke up and I was heart broken.. Beyond anything I had ever felt before. pain..

We ended up talkin glike 2-3 weeks after the break up.. I told her that I loved her and that i would do what i could to make things right. That she just had to be patient and allow these things to unfold. She cried and told me she loved me. So we got back together. I thought for good.

Emily would always tell me how amazing I was... How much she loved me. How she wanted me to get her pregnant. She would ask me, " You are never going to leave me are you?" I would tell her no because I love her. I saw her as being long term.

July 4th weekend rolls around. Been back together for a month. Going good. Our plans were to camp out that weekend and spend it with my family. We had fun going to the drive in and camping out. One of the nights, she was showing me pictures on her phone and I noticed she had all these sexy pics of her in a bikini. She was a large chested girl so she filled it out. There were probably 10-12 pictures of her in various poses. I never was given those and I saw the date she took them... I asked her about it and she got defensive. The next day I called her at work and asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about. Was there anything bothering her? I was a great communicator.. I just wanted to sort out any loose ends. She said no that everything was fine.

The next day she would ask me, "You aren't going to leave me are you?"...I again told her no that I loved her and wanted to be with her forever. 2 days later she broke up with me... Her excuse was, "I don't think I can handle a relationship"... "I'll always love you"... I asked her why she can't handle a relationship... "I just have so much going on with work, family, and now school this fall."... I was heart broken..

I had problems sleeping, eating, expressing joy in my life. The pain of having my heart ripped out of my chest. I was falling in love with this girl more and more each day. I invested myself fully into that relationship. I wrote her parents a letter explaining how I felt for their daughter and that I would do all that i could to make it work.. She threw away everything without even caring. That night she broke up with me she had no remorse. I was in tears and was trying to talk through it. She didn't want to hear it.

I asked her what if I moved in with her... "I'm not sure you would like seeing random guys go in and out of my room." WOW like I didn't hurt already. Now she is just trying to stick the knife in deeper. Was she aware of how much I loved her? No.

The following few months I spent in serious counseling. I had never gone through such a hard break up before. All my past relationships were mutual understandings as to why they didn't work. I just had a gut feeling like Emily didn't give me the truth. Her reasons were completely irrational.

So I invested the time into myself to heal it. To learn coping skills. To reorganinze my life and value myself. It was so hard, but I made progress after 2 months.

Now it's been 4 months. I found out a couple of weeks ago that she is now engaged to get married to this guy friend of hers. I'm almost certain that's why she broke up with me both times because she wanted to have flings with these guy friends of hers... and didn't want to be labeled as a cheater. Even though I had the opportunity to sleep with 3 women during our relationship I said no. I remember telling myself over and over. "I won't do it. I love you Emily."

So immediately after she threw me in the garbage she started dating this guy friend of hers and is now happily engaged, while I'm the one left with a world of hurt and pain. I've tried SO hard to heal this. I said multiple times that I forgive her. I keep telling myself that if I was meant to be with her then I would. That God must have someone better for me. I want to heal and move on with my life.

Around the time I found out she is now engaged and happily in love, I found out my mother's cancer has gotten worse and the chemo hasn't helped her at all. Her body resisted it. Right now I'm not sure what stage it is in now. If it is stage 4 I could lose my mom. I'm so at a loss of words now I just don't know what else to say.

Has anyone ever gone through a break up where they were the ones left hurt while their ex went out quickly and found someone else and married them? How did you deal with your break up? How long did it take you to get over it?

I honestly don't know how much more pain I can take. I feel so cheated, lied to, so unloved, and that this person has no idea the pain they caused in me just so she can have flings with other guys? She was never honest with me.. I'm not sure if I can ever handle another relationship like this. I mean I want to love again because I know I have so much to give. Look at the love I have for my mother... that's not something a lot of people would do at my age is take care of their mom. Be there for support. I'VE SACRIFICED MY HOURS AT WORK, ME MOVING OUT WEST, EVERYTHING TO BE A GOOD PERSON IN THIS WORLD, AND NOW SOME IMMATURE BITCH COULD CARE LESS THE PAIN SHE CAUSED ME BECAUSE NOW SHE IS TOO BUSY LIVING IN A FAIRY TALE WORLD WITH THIS NEW LOVE OF HER LIFE SET TO GET MARRIED ONLY 3-4 MONTHS AFTER WE BROKE UP. AFTER SHE TOLD ME TO MY FACE THAT SHE CANNOT HANDLE A RELATIONSHIP AND THAT SHE WOULDN'T DATE SOMEONE FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

I'm sorry I needed to vent. Sorry for the long post. I pray and hope someone can help me. Thank you.

[AnnonymousMan]

Wow man, I understand what your going through
I think I am the exact same way you are when it comes to relationships. Women can be cruel can't they?
Sounds like you coped better with her X than I did with my GF's X. Especially the tattoo since I deal with the exact same issue. Are you sure her intentions were pure from the start though? It seems so obvious that she doesn't care about you as much as you cared about her? Maybe it boils down to just that, she doesn't have as strong as feelings as you did the entire time. For her to be as cold as to tell you guys were going in and out of her room was a clear indication that she didn't care what you thought. I think your holding onto a girl that obviously has lost interest in you.

[TheNewGuy09]

Thanks for the post. It became obvious to me towards the end that she got the GIGS (Grass is greener on the other side syndrome). She is still young and immature and I think a lot of people at her age prefer variety. Her behavior doesn't seem stable and healthy, and so I am glad I'm not with her anymore. I'm 4 months in and I'm sure in another couple of months I won't even care. I am finding out this is a slow but steady process of healing. I allow myself any chance I get to vent and confront my feelings. Then I usually feel better after I do that. Even if it means punching a punching bag and calling her a slut and bitch at the same time. I don't put guilt trips on myself for doing that because I know it helps move the healing process along faster. Can anyone else add in some opinions?