Can I Trust Her

[aguy]

I have been dating a woman for 3 months now. Our chemistry was such that things got very deep very quickly. We are compatible in so many ways. Everything seemed to be going fine then about a month ago I started to get scared. I can honestly say that I have never reached a level of emotional intimacy with a woman like I have with this one, not even my ex wife of 7 years. We are both 38 and have been around the block enough times to know that 3 months normally isn't enough time to have reached the level of connectedness that we have reached, nonetheless that is what is happening. It doesn't seem like simple infatuation.

I began getting worried when I started to notice that a lot of her stories from the past involved hanging out with guys. She has had lots of male friends and still has a few. She seems to have done a lot of partying in the past and just for the record, I have to. She has spent the past 15 years helping disabled people which I am mentioning as a character context.

When we first met she had told me that she had been celibate for 9 months. She presented this in such a way that it sounded like she had chosen to do this.

Here's the rub. She told me in a passing conversation what her email password was. One night when I was feeling particularly worried about whether she was really as wonderful as she appears to be I checked her email. I found from a year back up to about a month before she met me that she had been answering ads on Craigslist for NSA sex with men. I would say there were something like 10-15 men she had contacted, exchanged pics with, etc.

I felt like total shit for having done it and doubly so because of what I found. I eventually confronted her about it and apologized for having done it. The problem at that point is that I felt like she had lied to me about her history prior to meeting me. She told me that although she answered many ads over that year that she met 2 of the men but decided not to go through with the actual act of having sex with them. She told me that technically she had been celibate and that I had misunderstood her in regards to her intentionally being so. She just never actually hooked up with anyone but it was obvious that she was trying to get laid.

Now this knowledge combined with my previous anxiety is making it extremely hard to remain open and vulnerable to her. She swears up and down that she would never do anything to hurt me and that I have nothing to worry about. I guess I have never known a girl/woman who has answered ads on Craigslist for NSA sex. I don't know how common it is or what it means about her and if it means I can't trust someone like that.

To be fair, I realize I may be projecting as I made the horrible mistake of cheating on my ex-wife, something that almost destroyed me and that I would never do again.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you

[Cerby]

Unfortunately, you're the problem here, not her. What happened up until the day you became exclusve really isn't any of your business. You may feel she lied to you, but if she never went through with any of it, then did she really?

You invaded her privacy, badly, and this is something that shows a serious lack of trust. You're convincing yourself you did it just because you want to make sure things are as real as they feel, but thats just a mask for your real issue: Insecurity.

You need to address your own problems, or you'll end up buring this relationship down too.

[acinom18]

I don't know how common it is for women to answer ads like that on craigslist, and I hate to make judgments... but, personally, i think that a woman that would do that has self-esteem issues. It could be that she needs sexual approval from men, or that she just wanted to feel sexy by sending them her picture and talking sexually to them. Because she says she didn't actually go through with it, I wouldn't think that she is a sex fiend or anything. You didn't find any since you've been seeing her, so you are probably filling that need she had to make her do that in the first place. I don't think it should worry you. If she doesn't give you any other reason to not trust her, I wouldn't dwell too much about it (although that's certainly easier said than done). You didn't mention that she was too upset that you had gone into her email, which a lot of women would have done, especially if she had any more to hide from you. Yes, it wasn't right for you to do so, but you already know that. I'm not the best one to be giving advice, but I think if you really feel connected to each other the way you described, that it shouldn't stop you from continuing to do so.

[Ms. Lonelyheart]

It really depends WHY she was offering sex over Craigslist...I actually considered doing something of that nature twice. Once because I was badly in need of money to put food in my mouth. Fortunately, I found something else that would help me manage.
And then the second time I considered it was because I was very depressed, lonely, and frankly wanted the attentions of the opposite sex.

But even if she did it for one, both, or none of the reasons above, it hardly matters...she was single. When you're single, you can do whatever you please. The fact that she never even went through with it shows that she has afterthought and consideration as well, instead of just throwing it all to the wind and actually blowing 10 guys from over the internet...we all hit rock bottom sometimes. You know that yourself. What matters is that she got back up, and so did you.

And don't feel bad about going into her email. She GAVE you the password, after all.

[aguy]

Thank you for the feedback so far. I should clarify that she was not on Craigslist for prostituting herself but to meet up with other guys for NSA sex. These men had ads looking for NSA sex and she answered them.