Husband is confused and I am heartbroken. Please help...

[Tyant]

Hey everyone I've been with spouse for 7 years. Been married less than a year. Have 2 kids. Been to couples therapy for 4 years and stopped because everything was good. Then we uprooted kids, sold everything and moved out of state to my parents house and began to search for jobs and buy a house. Well 2 months after being here hubby says he needs to go back HATES in here, ok fine so do i so we decide to go back. But both kids are in school so this is what we did:

he went back without me and kids 3 weeks ago to get a house there. he is currently in a motel. his boss called him back and offered him 40 bucks an hour plus he hated it in new state and was really depressed at the amount of money he was making (10 bucks an hour, yea, not to mention the 15 grand we spend on moving down and buying a truck and work equipment) so i canceled the contract on the house and the kids and i are supposed to go back to to old state after xmas with him. well he just told me that he has to figure out of we are gonna separate or not because if we are hes not gonna get this big house, just maybe and apartment. he said hes only confused about if he is in love with me. he just said hes not sure if hes in love with me anymore because he doesnt miss me and he said he feels numb, but when i asked him if he thinks we should get a divorce he said no because he doesnt want to make such a huge life decision without being 100% sure that hes not in love with me anymore. he said he thinks that if he was in love with me he would miss me. he said a piece of him is not missing while we’re apart but he cant see me with someone else. i dont know i am heartbroken. he said he needs time to think about it. he said hes not 100% but he feels like if he was in love with me things would be different like: hed miss me more, it would bother him to be away from me, and before he left he would have been closer to me, he would call me more, he would email me i love you’s. he’s said he’s felt this way even before he went back home. felt like if he was in love with me we’d be closer, hold hands more, hug and kiss, have sex more and just be more interested in loving me. thats what he said hes basing his feeling of uncertainty on. hes saying that hes probably not in love with me anymore because if he was he’d be acting more in love. but we’ve been together 7 years, we havent acted like that since when we first got together (holding hands etc) its not like we acted that way on regular basis and then all of a sudden it stopped. we both seemed to not be the touchy feely type people unless behind closed doors. he saw the same counselor we did when we were up in the old state together but she just recently sais she cant be his therapist anymore because its a conflict of interest. the night he saw here is the night he told me this. but he also said that the counselor told him not to say anything to me until he was 100% sure but he said he cant hide that somethings bothering him and id want to know what. I love him and im in love with and i want to make it work. we have had nothing but problems almost our entire relationship and he said that last night. but we've always got through them. he said he misses the kids. hes acting weird because he sent me a bday card 3 weeks that was very loving and he just sent me an email ecard shortly after that says i miss you. He said thats what hes worried about getting a divorce and regretting it but he said hes pretty sure he fell out of love quite some time ago. he said hes not confused about anything other that if hes 100% out of love. I told him i think we will probably get a divorce and he said i always think the worst. everything he is doing/saying to me and other people is very out of character. so i flew to old state last weekend to check him out. i got into his hotel room while he was at worked and searched every inch. I went to front desk and told them dh must have left a key for me (lie). They said no and I said fine here call him. I gave them my brothers phone number and he told manager to let me and and he did. no trace of any other woman, drugs, alcohol, nothing suspicious at all. i looked at all his online bank records and phone calls and texts, no missing cash, work checks deposited directly etc. then i waited for him for about an hour in his hotel room and he walked in and was really surprised. he kept saying your crazy your crazy and smiling a little. i hugged him and we fell on the bed and immediately started kissing and then having sex. it was like deep passionate sex that i really have never had with him, he was looking deep into my eyes and all. i did find something on his computer. hes been looking at all the naked/sexual pics of me from all the years. he says when im upset it doesnt effect him. so i started crying hysterically one night in the motel with him to put his words to the test. and he was hugging me and holding me and rubbing my hair and telling me to stop and that im doing this too soon he hasnt even made a decision yet etc etc. so i stopped and said "see it does effect you when im upset' and i wasnt acting i was and still am pretty devastated. we had sex a few times last weekend, and he left for work on saturday and kissed me good bye. i know he loves me deeply but im not sure hes actually in love with me. he said for the longest time in his life hes always done the wrong thing and he thinks hes been with me and married me and continued a relationship for 7 years because it was the right thing to do despite if he really felt like wanting to do it. i understand what hes saying pretty much. hes just not sure if he want to stay together but hes not ready to make a life long decision like divorce. he has until thanksgiving to decide. i said to him "its ok if you want to see other people, maybe you just need to see if you really are in love with me. we both have a lot of great things to offer other people so maybe dating other people for a little bit will help you decide" in other words if youre gonna do it so am i. well before i could finish that complete sentence he was like "no i do not want to see other people" i hope we can get back what we had in the beginning. of course i dont want him to continue being with me if he doesnt want to, so i guess im a little torn too. also i have been pretty bad to him our entire relationship. mean/nasty/lying etc. Alsothere was constant stress on our marriage from the issues his mother. anyways he told me he was glad i came but he is still not sure. when we went to bed he held me all night long. my brother lives with my parents and me and kids too and he told me to tell hubby not to stay here because he will kick his a$$. i told hubby nicely maybe you and kids could got to the resort for 5 days cuz bro is crazy and pissed. he emailed my brother this: "listen we gotta have a conversation. im going to be clear about things cause i love your sister and care greatly about your family... and throughout me and your sisters relationship she has done some very bad things, althogh i am not perfect i never betrayed her, i have never cheated on her and never will because i dont want to hurt her. because even if i felt im not in love with her i will always love her as a person. im not sure where things will go with me and her and i hope everything works out. but for you to want to fight with me over what ever you may think is going on is dead wrong, and i am coming there to see everyone, i wasnt sure i was going to feel comfortable there but you know what thats my family at your parents house and im not going to avoid them because of you... your sister loves me so i hope no matter what happens things can be civil." we talked some at the motel and he just keeps saying that hes not sure but def no divorce. he actually teared up and said that i dont even know how difficult this is for him. i told him ill give him time to think. he will be here to visit the kids in 10 days. today i had to deposit a check for him since im still far away in old state and i texted him "i deposited your check" and he said "thanks' and i said "your welcome my husband-who-is-confused-after-7 years-and-doesnt-know-what-he-wants-with-me. Anytime my dear." and he writes back "what the f$%^?" and i said "just a little sarcastic humor" and he texts "not funny" this morning i emailed him this: "I just want to clarify one thing. I want you to know that all my crying this weekend was because I was sad. Sad over the predicament we're in. Even if I'm not in love with you anymore I would cry just as much maybe even harder. And even if I decide I want a divorce I am still going to be that upset. You are a good person. Please have a good day. xo." he writes back "im confused youre thinking about divorce?" and i said "I don't want a divorce. Let's say for example 2 years goes by and you still can't make a decision I am going to divorce you and it's going to be just as sad. That's what I meant by the sentence "even if I want the divorce" I guess I should've said "even if I file for divorce". I'm trying to say that I was crying over the whole situation not just about how you feel. The whole picture. Just the whole situation is very sad." and that was it. another thing i need to add he wont say i love you first when getting off the phone with him. if i say it then he will after. im thinking maybe i should not talk to him anymore until he gets here in 10 days. he knows how i feel, i just dont want him to think im starting to feel like i want time too. oh and another thing: today i got a letter in the mail that says i got 5500 dollars from a grant for school and i told him i may start in this state (old state) and he says "why are you gonna do that? i thought you were gonna move here with the kids after xmas?" where the heck does he want me 2 kids 2 cats and 2 dogs to go? to his one room motel??? i am so scared that he is done.
2nd update: I send him some articles from therapists about how to know if youre in love etc… when to separate etc… that night he calls me and we talked small talk for a little and he said I love you to me first. The next morning I get an email from him that says this “i read this article and it makes sense, after you left and went back to fl i thought about things and when i was in fl we had no privacy, i hated it there, not intimacy, and im sure other things that could affect shit like being off methadone so maybe this is what got all these thoughts stirred up inside.” i do read everything you send me...’ I think he is starting to come around and miss me and realize he may have just been bored and not actually out of love. But for the meantime (next 10 days) I will continue the small talk when he calls me and when hes here to visit in 10 days we’ll see.

[Kaius]

For some odd reason, the 7-year itch never fails. Men tend to get tired of their women at year #7, and it takes a lot of work to get over this hump.
Do you think your situation would improve if he gets 100% what he wants?

[MaidenMinx]

Who was without methadone...? If it was him, this could explain so much.

[IndiReloaded]

So, your job, home and financial situation is unstable. He wants to go for the whole hog by adding family instability to your situation? Or is it you? Whichever of you are mentioning divorce needs to stop it right now.

Unless you have done something stupidly irrevocable (like cheat on him?), tell him to get a grip. That you aren't going to separate. Your children need a stable home now more than ever.

There are so, so many families that are weathering financial stress right now. Try to support each other, not tear each other down. Are your children school age? If so, get a part-time job to help alleviate some of his financial worries. You are a team, you need to act like one.

[Tyant]

@Kaius- what do you mean if he gets what he want. I don't even really know what he wants

@Maiden- he was on methadone for 9 years, right before he quit it and he was on a very very low dose and weened himself off milligram by milligram which took about a month. He did this when we moved to new state that he hated. He has a 2 weeks take home bottle supply. I believe methadone effects the dopamine chemical in your brain responsible for happiness

@Indi- everything is unstable for me and dh but im living with my parents where the kids have their own room and they are going to school (elementary) so its pretty stable for them. Dh said he wants to decide where our relationship is going before he decides on getting a house for rent or an apartment. Because if we separate there is no need for him to get a house. An apartment for him and when he has kids is more affordable and sensible. I was the one who brought up divorce because I asked him what the heck do you want to do? You say you're not in love with me anymore (you think 99% lol) so when that happens people usually get a divorce. So what you want a divorce? He said no. The send time that "d" word was brought up was when I emailed him explaining that I was sad over what's going on and I said in a "nice way" that even if I was the one contemplating a break up/separation or divorce (the one in his shoes) I would be just as sad. I am collecting unemployment and it's enough to support myself since my last job was a very high paying job that I had for a long time. I told him whatever we do I will always be able to contribute 1/2 financially or support myself. It seems like the last thing he emailed me sounded like he was coming along slowly but surely. Many years ago he was on anti-depressants for a short amount of time but he says that was because he was doing so many drugs that he life was out of control and nothing was right....

[workingman78]

OK, first off, lay off the divorce talk, it isn't going to help. Secondly, I think you smother this guy too much, and he is probably too nice to tell you as much. You guys can overcome this, but it is going to require something from the both of you that is going to be very hard........give each other some space. He is not going to cheat or leave you if he goes out a night or two a week to play squash or do something with the guys. Or if he chooses to have some personal time with a new hobby. This is also important for you, go find something interesting for you to do, because if he takes up a hobby and you don't, you will become resentful of that hobby because you will view it as he is spending more time with his hobby then with you. Personal space and freedom is important in a relationship, otherwise someone feel smothered and shackled. I think you both are in love with each other, and could definetly save this relationship. He got to his breaking point down at your parents (surrounded by inlaws, no job, no life) and now he is getting that fresh breath of space. He has probably felt this way for some time, and now that he knows what it can be like, he wants more, which is fine and healthy for the both of you.

[devonbrown]

You and he were in couples therapy for four years you said. And you said you stopped because things were good. Well, they aren't good any more, so you need to consider beginning counseling again. It is the only thing that is fair for your marriage.

Good luck.

[HeartIsAching]

Man... I got about 12 sentences in and gave up. Try using paragraphs.

I'm going to agree with Devon here - go back to therapy.

[bulrush]

First, I'm a man and I never got the "7 year itch" when I was married. I just stuck with it, and created my own excitement.

I think he found someone he is interested in. You could:

1. Get a divorce. While it might appear to be an easy solution, it's not easy, and it's not a solution in this case.
2. Separate for a while.
3. Try an open relationship, because I think he will come back to you.

You must also consider if he's always been wishy-washy like this, or if this is something new. If so, that could mean problems in the future. He also needs to talk to you about the REAL problem, so you two can fix it.

1. Is he tired of being expected to earn all the money?
2. Does he just hate is career in general?
3. Is he stressed from financial trouble?
4. Is he bored in bed?

I don't get it why men don't talk about things that bother them, and then it leads to divorce. Are they all a bunch of knuckleheads these days?? I'm just very confident about expressing my feelings, and talking about issues. I guess I would be the exception.