Girlfriend scared of oral because of past

[Shou]

Hello,
I've started getting intimate with my first girlfriend a while ago, we are still holding back on sex though. I've fingered her and gave her oral. She has tried to use her hand on me twice now.. it's nice but I don't get much from it (we're each others first partners, so no experience)

Anyway, last time I tried to ask if she'd want to try to give me oral. At first she replied that she has been thinking about it already.. then a while later she said she can't do it and then told me..
she was forced by her father to give oral when she was 12 (she's 21)..
She started crying and I was (am still) totally shocked; we stopped and I just held and comforted her for over an hour.
I didn't ask anything else, it was painful to see her cry as it was and I didnt want to remind her of more..

So.. I don't know what to do now. It would be a big thing for me if she'd never want to give me oral because of it, but I don't know how to talk to her about it without reminding her of her past.. and I definitely don't want to remind her of it while doing it.

I have one idea, I could suggest her to just try kissing my stomach and try getting closer and just stop whenever she wants to. Maybe it would help to show her its not scary or anything.
Still, I'm scared the most that talking about it will remind her and that it'll be me who'll make her cry..


So.. I'm lost..
Do I try to talk about it? Do I never mention it again and wait for her to start by herself which she might never do? Other suggestions?

Hope someone can help here..

[Dune]

If I were in your position, I'd comfort her about it whenever she feels upset and I'd do my best not to bring it up.

You have to understand how emotionally (and physically to a certain extent) abused she must feel. I suggest you just proceed with all the other sexual stuff with the exception of oral. Let her get comfortable with you sexually. Let her explore you on her own will. With luck, and some optimism, she'll slowly start to feel that it's okay and that may lead to her giving you an oral some time in the future.

IMO, there is no point convincing her, as she WILL feel hurt every time that topic arises, and in addition, she'll feel the pressure from YOU too. That will put her in a tough spot. No point convincing her or trying other 'devious' means to get her to do it anyway. You want her to do it and at the same time, you want her to enjoy it, not making it feel like its a task she has to perform to make you happy. My opinion. Good luck.

[vashti]

This is not something she is likely to get over without therapy, so I suggest you either give up the idea of getting oral sex, or encourage her to seek professional help. (Professional help would be the better choice, whether or not she ever wants to engage in oral sex.)

[bulrush]

Yep, what Vashti said. She will probably never ever get over it without years of therapy. Giving oral reminds her of when she was 12 and powerless, and forced to do something "dirty" by an adult family member. That's a scary memory. I don't mind helping my gf through anything, as long as she wants to work on it. But at her age, I would think she has no clue on how to work through this, even if she gets therapy. It can take many years to understand your own emotional baggage and then deal with it. I've been there.

Sorry I have to be so coarse, but you posted here and I'm thinking of your needs. My money is on the bet that she will not be able to give oral for the next 2-5 years, even if she does get therapy starting tomorrow. Now what will you do?

If you keep bringing it up she will feel guilty she can't give you what you need, and that will make her feel less adequate.

p.s. I've talked to girls who were sexually abused. Some got over it, with therapy, some never did. The fact that she cried when she tried, tells me she is beginning to face her fears. Her crying was when she was letting out all her fear and frustration. That's a good sign. But it's only the beginning of the beginning.

[Shou]

So I think I can't do much than try to not make her think about it and be there for her. But it's hitting me pretty bad too.. I'm scared she can't enjoy us being intimate that much or might even be scared of me.
I've already noticed she has not been very active. I caress her a lot, kiss her a lot, try to be very gentle, but she doesn't do much in return. Her past is probably the reason and I feel bad about it which is
probably the opposite of what I should do, but I can't really help it.. I even cried the past days when thinking about it. I feel totally helpless.. I don't know how it will effect me and I don't even know whether
I should talk to her about it or not.

And you say therapy over years, but this doesn't sound like it much help to me, being reminded of it all the time?
And I don't know wether she would willingly talk with some stranger about it, if she can't even talk about it with me (she hesitated a while when telling me).

[MaidenMinx]

I was sexually abused when I was younger and though I have been in and out of therapy for years I haven't even touched on that particular incident.

Do not push for oral at all or she will begin to feel used. If she bring it up again, suggest counseling.

[Kaius]

Are you sure you want to be a part of any of this??? He will always have her hang ups.
What if one day you do something that reminds her of her dad? What if she has attachment
issues later on because of her childhood? I think you should run away as fast as possible. IMHO.

[Shou]

No, I won't even consider leaving her for something like this. It's not like I don''t like her any less because of it and I won't let me be pushed into thinking it.
It would make some criminals actions have even more influence, though it should just be forgotten like it never happened. And it'd probably be the worst thing I could do to her.
She'll think it'd be because of her past and become even more consious about it; not something I want to do to her.
If we break up over this then she'll be the one to bring it up, but at least I think she feels secure on an emotional level with me.

Still, I'm still undecided wether to talk about it or not.. I wish I could make her realize it's a thing of the past and should not effect her in any way,
but I don't really understand her burden, as something like it never happened to me..
By talking I don't neccessarily mean about things she does or does not do for me, more about it not making her
feel any different and not making her hold back on something she would want if she didn't think about it.
I don't have much of an idea how I would go about it though, other than trying to make her feel safe.

[searock]

She definitely needs therapy - if not for the sake of your relationship, she still needs it for herself. Nobody can get over something so bad without the help of a professional. Do NOT try to convince her in any way, it could actually make things worse. You are doing the right thing in making her feel safe. But ignoring the problem won't make it disappear, and it's quite clearly something that is bothering both you and (especially) her. She needs therapy. Good luck.

[KingZ]

Ignore Kaius. He's the other forum retard.

Where is her father? Does she have contact with him?

[bulrush]

So I think I can't do much than try to not make her think about it and be there for her. But it's hitting me pretty bad too.. I'm scared she can't enjoy us being intimate that much or might even be scared of me.

Again, I have to be blunt in order to help you understand what is going on, based on trends I see. She will probably never, ever be the uninhibited sexual person you need. I've dated girls like this, and I had to break up with them mostly due to the sexual issues. It's tough, but it has to be done.

Look at it this way, if you break up with her, you who are a nice, caring, patient man, it will give her a wakeup call telling her to address this issue seriously with the help of a professional counselor.

[Kaius]

Ignore Kaius. He's the other forum retard.

You say that now, but deep down inside you know I'm right.

People needs to be more practical, and not just do what their heart says.
That's immature, and really self-destructive.

[stuckies]

you're a jerk and cleary know nothing about therapy, PTSD's

you might have well have said force her to blow him so she will realise it's no big deal.

[KingZ]

You say that now, but deep down inside you know I'm right.

People needs to be more practical, and not just do what their heart says.
That's immature, and really self-destructive.

You're right about nothing. I don't know how anyone could take you seriously when you preach against condoms.

Maybe if you wore a condom and had a grain of intelligence, you wouldn't have a clinically retarded, autistic clone of yourself plaguing society.

[Shou]

Hmm.. we had some time again and I took part of your advice and didn't bring anything up. I did the usual for her (fingering, oral) when
suddenly she goes down on me for about as long as I did. I totally didn't expect this. I didn't ask anything but she didn't seem to feel uncomfortable or have bad thoughts,
so I just let her and kept my hands of her head. We had another nice daytime and nothing felt wrong with her. If it stays like this then great, we're both happy.