Girlfriend cheated, I forgive her but I cant forget :(

[Simsala]

Hi there,

My girlfriend cheated on me. She finally came clean after me confronting her over and over through out the summer.
She said the reason she cheated on me was because she freaked out about how serious our relationship got and at the same time she started fancying a guy from her work.
We were living together last year, but just as house mates and thats how we met. I planned on moving to Canada for some time now. It was always one of my big dreams. It took me a year to get a visa and then when I finally had it but I had to save up for it so I moved into a shared accommodation to save money, and that's where I met her. That was 6 months before I left for Canada.
We got a long just fine and then one thing lead to another and we ended up having sex. We kept having sex through out the 6 months, watched TV, had dinners and cuddled infront of the TV etc. But because I was about to leave we didn't want to label our relationship.
2 weeks before I left she told me she loves me. I felt the same so I told her back. But I had to go anyways because I quit my job already, sold all my belongings and it took me so long to get the visa and save up the money. So I had to leave. She cried when I left and so did I.
We kept in touch the entire time, emailed every day and talked on the phone every day. After 2 months I told her that I want to move back to her because I am missing her like mad. When I told her about that she was so happy about it and couldn't believe it. We started making plans for when exactly I should come back and where I would be living etc.
So after just 3 months in Canada I decided to leave my dream behind and move back to her.

The first few weeks went well and suddenly she got distant. I knew something was up.
Months went by and she was really weird. We had loads of fights because I asked her if she was cheating on me. I had several reasons to doubt her (always wanted to go out on her own, told people she is single, found txt messages and photos of another guy on her phone).
In september she finally came clean. She told me she cheated on me in the summer! She had a mini-affair with a guy from work. She said she started being attracted to him about the same week I came back from Canada but she didn't really think much about it.
She said because after a few weeks that I was back she suddenly freaked out realizing that I left my dream behind for her and then she also felt attracted to that other guy from her work. A rocker dude with 6 pack abs and tattoos. Kind of the opposite of me! She said since she was a teenager she always had that urge to be with a "bad guy" with tattoos and then suddenly a guy like that came along.
They apparently had sex twice in the summer and met up many weekends for drinks. But then that other guy started seing someone else so he "dumped" my girlfriend (weird sentence!).

I told my girlfriend I wanted to have the full truth no matter how much it hurts me.
She told me she fell in love with him because she was always attracted to that "bad guy" style. But she felt really bad because she loves me as well. She said she is very confused with her feelings with everything that has happened. She was actually hurt when the other guy started dating again. But she also felt bad that she cheated on me.

I also found out that although they stopped their affair in July she kept checking his facebook page first thing in the morning and last thing before going to bed every single day until a week ago.

I told her I had to leave the country because I needed sometime to think about everything. She told me she really loves me and wants to make it work.
I can see it in her eyes that she regrets what she did and that she does love me. I can really see it. I told her I forgive her what she did and I love that she is finally honest about her feelings.
I am not judging her about having feelings for another guy... shit happens. But I told her she should have resisted the temptation or broken up with me.

Now we are back together for a few weeks. The problem I am having is that I know my girlfriend still thinks about him now and then, but I also see that she really wants to work out with me and that she really loves me.
However I cannot forget what she did. Several times a day I keep getting flash backs on how she lied to me and that she had sex with another guy.
I understand why she did it, but I have such a hard time dealing with it for my self. I don't bring it up, I don't blame her anymore, I don't make her feel bad about it anymore. But I cannot deal with it myself.

How does one forget about things like that? I learned that forgiving someone is one thing, but actually forgetting it is a totally different story.

[Kaius]

Do not stay in this relationship! It will drive you insane eventually! Once the trust is broken, there can never be the same level of trust again.
She can't truly love you AND love someone else at the same time. You gave up your dream once, but it's not too late.
Is this woman someone you can imagine spending the rest of your life with? Do you think there would be a chance that another
bad dude would walk in, and she would do this all over again? I mean, she has the lust for guys like that, and no self control.
There are plenty of women who want to be with YOU only.... why settle for someone now, and drive yourself insane?

[Leona77]

If honesty and loyalty are important to you, I don't think I could ever continue a relationship after such an episode. Especially not after such lame excuses and explanations.
I personally think:'' Run as fast as you can''!!! And next time get to know your partner better before you flip your whole world upside down for her...

It's up to you to decide what you want to do, though...

[untrusting]

My boyfriend had a drunken one night stand 3 months into our relationship, and it still kills me. Thinking about him being so intimate with someone else, how he could say he loved and cared for me, and then do that. I must say, on the scale of cheating and how bad it gets, I suppose my case is on the lower end of the spectrum. He was drunk, there were no emotions involved, and it happened once, which he is now totally and utterly embarrassed, ashamed and remorseful about. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for what you have been through, I can't even imagine how it must feel. My feelings but twice as bad I spose..
Sometimes its too hard to let go of the good memories, and see that there are, sorry to be a cliche, but 'plenty more fish in the sea'. I guess at the time its hard to give up on someone who loves you and makes you feel appreciated and wanted. That sense of security is hard to forget.
I decided to stay with my boyfriend because of what I stated above, they were drunk, it happened once, there were no emotions involved, and the regret and remorse he has. But it was such a hard decision, and I still struggle to cope with the choice I made sometimes, but im getting better and I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
For me, in your situation, as devastating and difficult to say, I would move on. You can always stick it out longer and see if there are improvements, but I see too many complications involved.

[manteliciuos]

dont stay with this person, you will regret it in the long run. you know a saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" ? it is so true, its just not worth it.. it may seem that she is amazing, and you had great times with her, but in your mind there will always be this little voice saying what if she cheated on me?. i know its hard to let go of a person like that, but im sure you can find someone who will not be scared of "relationship getting too serious".

[decorator36]

Run Forrest Run!

[oldskool83]

you will never forget.........and you shouldnt. thats all im saying on this issue.

[Simsala]

Thank you all for the advice.

It's so hard to let go though. I put so much work into this relationship, not to mention giving up my Canadian Visa which expires in 2 months. But most importantly I really love her with all my heart.
It's just almost every thing reminds me of what she did.

For example, I look at photos of us on Facebook. I see the date... June 2011 and all I can think of is that this photo was taken the same weekend she had sex with that other guy.
Then I think about some summer trips we took together and I remember how she told me how much she loves me, but then I think of that this was the same week she hooked up with the other guy...
And then we watch out TV series. How I met your mother... and suddenly it's about cheating! And I feel uncomfortable watching that.
Then we watch The Big Bang Theory... also cheating seems to be the new topic! It suddenly seems every movie and TV series is about cheating. Everything is a constant reminder of what happened in the summer.

Basically every memory I have of the summer just seems different now. I really just want to forget and move on. But my head just won't let me. I lye in bed at night with her. She is fast asleep and my head processes once again that she cheated on me.

I have to say, since she told me in October she has been very nice to me and she really wants to work things out. She even introduced me to her parents and apparently she never introduced any of her previous boyfriends to her parents.
But then again just last week I found out that she googled for "being in love with 2 people" and "can you love someone and be in love with someone else".
I confronted her about that and she broke down crying saying that she doesn't understand her feelings but she is wants to work on them that's why she googled for that.

I'm just in a very bad place where I can't let go of her but I also can't forget what she did and it's really not helping that to this very day she seems to have feelings for that other guy as well.

And now Christmas is coming up and we invited her parents over to our country, bought them plane tickets etc. Those things show me that she wants a future with me.
I honestly don't know what to do and I think I need help because my head is going bananas!

How do I forget what she did? Or what can I do that she forgets about the other guy?
I'm also afraid of how I would react if I would break up with her just like that. It's a scary thought of breaking up with someone that I really love especially after putting so much work into it.

[Kaius]

My boyfriend had a drunken one night stand 3 months into our relationship, and it still kills me. Thinking about him being so intimate with someone else, how he could say he loved and cared for me, and then do that. I must say, on the scale of cheating and how bad it gets, I suppose my case is on the lower end of the spectrum. He was drunk, there were no emotions involved, and it happened once, which he is now totally and utterly embarrassed, ashamed and remorseful about. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for what you have been through, I can't even imagine how it must feel. My feelings but twice as bad I spose..
Sometimes its too hard to let go of the good memories, and see that there are, sorry to be a cliche, but 'plenty more fish in the sea'. I guess at the time its hard to give up on someone who loves you and makes you feel appreciated and wanted. That sense of security is hard to forget.
I decided to stay with my boyfriend because of what I stated above, they were drunk, it happened once, there were no emotions involved, and the regret and remorse he has. But it was such a hard decision, and I still struggle to cope with the choice I made sometimes, but im getting better and I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
For me, in your situation, as devastating and difficult to say, I would move on. You can always stick it out longer and see if there are improvements, but I see too many complications involved.

So you forgave your boyfriend because he was not in his right mind and there was no emotions and it only happened once and he was sorry about it?
So it's okay that he is irresponsible, completely disregards you, and then says he's sorry about it? Drunk people don't use condoms, so he put both of you at risk.
If he did it once, he will do it again because all he had to do was be drunk and say sorry. Sounds like a good deal for him.

[Kaius]

Thank you all for the advice.

It's so hard to let go though. I put so much work into this relationship, not to mention giving up my Canadian Visa which expires in 2 months. But most importantly I really love her with all my heart.
It's just almost every thing reminds me of what she did.

For example, I look at photos of us on Facebook. I see the date... June 2011 and all I can think of is that this photo was taken the same weekend she had sex with that other guy.
Then I think about some summer trips we took together and I remember how she told me how much she loves me, but then I think of that this was the same week she hooked up with the other guy...
And then we watch out TV series. How I met your mother... and suddenly it's about cheating! And I feel uncomfortable watching that.
Then we watch The Big Bang Theory... also cheating seems to be the new topic! It suddenly seems every movie and TV series is about cheating. Everything is a constant reminder of what happened in the summer.

Basically every memory I have of the summer just seems different now. I really just want to forget and move on. But my head just won't let me. I lye in bed at night with her. She is fast asleep and my head processes once again that she cheated on me.

I have to say, since she told me in October she has been very nice to me and she really wants to work things out. She even introduced me to her parents and apparently she never introduced any of her previous boyfriends to her parents.
But then again just last week I found out that she googled for "being in love with 2 people" and "can you love someone and be in love with someone else".
I confronted her about that and she broke down crying saying that she doesn't understand her feelings but she is wants to work on them that's why she googled for that.

I'm just in a very bad place where I can't let go of her but I also can't forget what she did and it's really not helping that to this very day she seems to have feelings for that other guy as well.

And now Christmas is coming up and we invited her parents over to our country, bought them plane tickets etc. Those things show me that she wants a future with me.
I honestly don't know what to do and I think I need help because my head is going bananas!

How do I forget what she did? Or what can I do that she forgets about the other guy?
I'm also afraid of how I would react if I would break up with her just like that. It's a scary thought of breaking up with someone that I really love especially after putting so much work into it.

It's not fair for you. START OVER. Life will be a lot better for you if you leave. I mean, how can you ever forget the idea that she had sex with him probably more uninhibited than with you, since she likes the bad boy type.
These bad boys are kinky, and they probably did some unimaginable things in bed. Even though you weren't there, you can totally imagine it....and she will definitely deny all of it because she wants you to stay.
Why would you want to be weak like that? Women don't respect weak men. That's why the bad boy has a leg up on you, because he can walk away and she misses him, whereas you can't walk away, and she
craps on you. The next time this happens, you are gonna feel really bad because you had a chance to leave, but decided to stay. There is no future between you two if she can fall in love with someone else so
easily. This basically means she is always looking to replace you. Are you okay with that?