What am I going to do now? Clueless.

[Mona_B]

I try to make a long story short.

I know someone online and we are having something good going on since over a year. So I thought. We are planning for him to come to visit me, sharing the costs for the ticket, but I have to book it because the guy is an broken artist...
Anyway, after we started getting into serious planning and I am still having trust issues, I did something which is probably bad.

He is on a social website where he has 6000! female friends, posting a lot of pictures. He is very attractive, this is the reason. I am not naive, I know it is not for promoting his work, as he says.

I got the bright idea to set up a faked profile and get in contact with him. Worked fine, he was flirting with my alter ego. Not so obvious, but just how we started. Being very understanding and interested, right. And when "she" asked if he is in a relationship or something, he said he was still searching. That isn't exactly a lie, we don't consider us in a relationship, but it tells me he leaves everything open. Only god knows with how many women he is corresponding like this, it is crazy. My profile and my emails made it pretty clear that I am looking for a man, btw.

Now I don't think he is a scammer, they ask for more. Also his art and his work is all over the internet, I can see it with my own eyes. I also do believe (well, I like to believe...) he does care for me, we write a lot and there are no mysterious dissappearings, nothing like that. But I think he is a player and got big issues in the woman department.

I deleted this profile because I felt bad about it. I am trying to forget it, just take it as it comes, get to know him anyway and have fun. But I am hurt. I am not sure if I can or want to do this, because now my trust level is down zero. And what tells me, he is not doing the same thing with others? He is so good looking that women make it probably totally easy for him. Maybe just because I was a hard case so far and a challenge, was what makes me interesting enough.

Right now I am totally confused. I always knew that he is not Mr. Nice Guy, ok. And it is not like he did anything else which would indicate he is using me. We went pretty deep and also had enough fights about certain issues. Whatever happened, he hung on and he did teach me a few good things. He never asked for money except sharing the costs for the ticket, so he can make it over. And this isn't that much.

I don't know, I am not doing anything at the moment and pretend everything is cool. But I wonder if I can let that slide and lower my expectations to just having fun or if I will not confront him with what I did, which would possibly mean the friendship is over. And then I would miss the good things. On the other side, maybe it is all a fantasy I was building up and I should hurry to come down to earth.

Ok, this is longer then I intended too. Maybe someone had a similar experience, I would like some objective opinions.

So thanks for the input, if I get some.

[smackie9]

Dear you just got smacked by reality....you are amongst 6000 others who feel that he cares about them too! Sorry but you are dellusional to think you are that special out of all those others. You really need to get out more into the real world and meet someone locally. The interent is 10% real, and the other 90% is pure fanasty.

Personally you don't need anyone's help here.....you just found out for yourself it is not what you thought it was.

[Mona_B]

I don't hate you for being honesty, that is totally fine with me :-). If I wouldn't want to hear the answer, I wouldn't need to ask.

Ok, I am not delusional. Or let's say not that much. I know this is happening over and over again, women get screwed and all this. And I also know that I am not that special, well I have the prove, right. But maybe it is a fantasy and because it went on so long I have such a hard time to let go. And because it is very hard to understand why people are functioning the way this guy does, I mean for what? I understand what a scam is, but this isn't the case.

I don't think I am that delusional that everything between us was a fake. Maybe because I don't see what he would have to gain from it. And then of course what is really going on between two people is not to explain easily to others.

It is very confusing, but I will do one thing. I will put him on hold for a few days with an excuse, no contact. I want to do the right thing and not walk into a mess. Maybe I get some more input here, because it really helps to hear it from strangers sometimes. My friends basically say go for it, just have fun and don't expect anything more. But I am not sure if I am the personality for this. Then I decide what I am going to do.

I should also think hard about it if I got into this because I don't want to deal with a real relationship. My friend is not a bad person, I don't think so. But we may have the same issues. He might get his ego boosted from all this, for all what I know. And yep, being a player.

Thanks for your reply.

[bulrush]

Lower your expectations and enjoy his company. What's wrong with that? Problems happen when you have high expectations and they get crushed. He seems to prefer open relationships, I think you better expect that.

[Mona_B]

Good point. My expectations might be the problem, they were too high and now I had to face it. This is exactly why I want to take a time-out for a few days before I do anything because I am too confused. I don't want to jump into conclusions. We did never say we are something else for now then friends for now and want to see what happens. He never made me any promises in that direction. Maybe my emotions are running wild.

[devonbrown]

I am sorry, but I am very confused by this... You created a fake profile to snoop and try to entrap him, then you get upset when he does what you thought he would do... And, to top it off, you say

That isn't exactly a lie, we don't consider us in a relationship, but it tells me he leaves everything open.

If the two of you do not consider yourselves in a relationship, then why wouldn't he leave everything open? Why wouldn't he consider other options out there? You AREN'T IN A RELATIONSHIP! Why can't everything he has said to you been true? And who cares if he says things to other women. You aren't in a relationship. And... just once more for clarity... you aren't in a relationship!

Good luck.

[Mona_B]

Well, I don't think it isn't all true, this is why I keep my mouth shut. First of all, this faked profile was one of the most stupid ideas I ever had. I will never do such a thing again, lesson learned. Sadly you are right too, I am acting like I am in a relationship and this is bullshit. I was delusional on that part and now I got thrown of my pink cloud. I can't even argue with you, Devon :-).

Right now I have to get a grip on myself and not act out and regret later. Maybe I sound like a total nuts, but most of the times I am only a little nuts, promise...

[Mona_B]

It is an ego thing, basically. I was never under the impression that this guy is all innocent, far from it. It took me a long time to trust him even a little bit. We had all these arguments about trust issues and other things and we worked through all of them. Which was not easy. It would be crazy to assume that someone does that if he doesn't care you. Especially when he could have it a lot easier. We write lots of emails every day and skype sometimes, all that. And I did see the player part too. So, nothing new. Only that I had this messed up idea with the faked profile to really rub it into me. And I made the old mistake women love to make. Despite him telling me hey we are friends and go from there, I listened to the sweet talk and thought oh, he means more than that, he just doesn't want to say it. I heard what I wanted to hear.

So I have to decide if I go ahead and meet with him, taking a chance or if I realize I can't do it. One thing I learned, you can't change a person. You can change yourself or decide you don't want anything to do with them.

[smackie9]

There is no scam here if he made no promises or made any lies. You just keep rubbing that genie's lamp thinking your wish will come true dispite knowing it's only a fairytail. Accept there is really nothing here for you with this guy no matter what you keep hoping for.

[smackie9]

If anything he gets a free trip and a lay, then off home he goes onto the next venture. Come to think of it, it's sure an expensive way to travel.....not a bad idea.

[Mona_B]

No, the deal is to share the ticket. And it would be a real stupid idea to go to a strange country without money and get in trouble with the person you are staying with. Gets pretty cold here in the winter :-). And sharing is not unfair, if one has less money than the other.

[Mona_B]

There is no scam here if he made no promises or made any lies. You just keep rubbing that genie's lamp thinking your wish will come true dispite knowing it's only a fairytail. Accept there is really nothing here for you with this guy no matter what you keep hoping for.

Not entirely true. If I am able to accept it for what it is, we can have a lot of fun and be friends. Just the question, if I can.

[Mona_B]

Update - My friend started to bargain with me, saying he could only give me 300 $ and if this would be ok. Now in the last few days I was already detaching, not writing a lot and just thinking it over. And after what I know now, it is not so difficult. I told him it is going to be splitting half or nothing and low and behold, now he is saying that his financial situation wouldn't allow it. I am a good girl, I didn't get upset and never mentioned anything. I just said I am very sorry that he can't do itand that we have to wait then until he is ready.

So yes, at the moment it hurts, but I realize I am not going that road. Besides, if I would pay all that, I could take a nice vacation for the same money. And wouldn't have to question anything.

I am not quitting the friendship, but I am backing off and probably it will come natural that I will turn away from him for something more "real". It was good to read the replies and realize that the problems were really my high expectations and not seeing the reality. Instead of acting out my anger.

And I think that now he realizes he is not getting an almost free ride, I may not hear much more anyway.

[smackie9]

Wow good for you Mona_B. I know you feel very disappointed with all what happened, but you are saving yourself from a lot of hurt......you are discovering you do have self worth and respect for yourself.....feels good don't it?

[Mona_B]

Yes, it feels good, but right now I am dissapointed, of course. But I know I did the right thing. After I wrote, he kind of stepped back and said I am right. He should invest what he has in his art, hopefully make some sales and when things go better, then we should think about meeting. Maybe he means it, maybe not, we will see. So far I never had a reason to think that the friendship is a fake or that I am not important in a way. I might have just put it in a total wrong context or maybe the only way to keep someone interested who is used to women always say yes, is to say no and set the boundaries.

But what is important and what also people here told me, that I stop fantasizing and making a romance when there is none. I am trying to get this out of my head now and live in the present. It is not that I wouldn't have anything going on for me in my life, if I get a grip. And I am happy I didn't do anything out of anger.