Here's my story, please, help me out!

[Starkiller]

I could use some advice on something I'm going through at the moment, I'm going to try and be as detailed as I can without dragging on too much because there is a lot to tell for this. So sorry for what will probably be a long read no matter what. =(

I dated this girl for about 8 months 3 years ago. We were really close and I guess I'd say we were "in love". I was 23 and she was 18. We ended up breaking up after growing apart I guess. Shortly after, she began dating some trashbag guy she worked w/ at the time. I know that's a cliche thing to say, but it's true. He drives a rickity sketchy van, does every drug imaginable, backyard wrestles, pushes carts at a Sam's club, dresses like he's homeless, looks like the Grinch w/ Aids, I mean it's the biggest case of downgrading in history, how it lasted this long is a complete mystery.

All the while she has been broke up w/ me, she remained in contact and 'friends' w/ my best friend & his wife whom she met through me, and are closer to me than my actual family, but she would be in no contact w/ me. When we dated the 4 of us hung out a lot so it was like our couples thing. Also, she latched on to basically everything she picked up from me and held on to it. Favorite sports teams, playing softball, movies, music, I mean nearly every aspect of my life, she took w/ her, and added her new b/f trashy stuff on top of it.

Anyway, over this 3 years, there have been some episodes, starting after the first year, where every 6 months, she'd come around. We'd hang out and be cool, and then feelings would start to bubble up, then we'd fight, and we'd not talk for another 6 months or so. During one of these on periods we actually had sex. Last winter, we were REALLY close as in talked everyday and spent a lot of time together, we never got physical, but the flirting was off the charts, she'd wrestle & play fight w/ me, change clothes and get half naked in front of me, send me pictures (nothing racey) all the time of her, etc...then one day, she just dissapeared, quit talking to me, blocked me on twitter/facebook. Went on w/ her relationship w/ that scumbag.

This lack of contact lasted until this past October. We have this festival every year downtown that EVERYONE in the area goes to. It's over the weekend. Friday night I see a buddy of mine who was hanging w/ her earlier and said she told him she didn't want to see me because "I'm a jerk and an asshole and she hates me." to which he basically called her bluff and said I'm none of those things & has no reason to think that. The next night downtown, I'm w/ some friends and we see each other, she has an awkward look like she was scared a bit but I said hello and struck up conversation, I told her we were going to end up at the beer tent & she said to text her & let her know.

As we are walking into the tent she's walking out saying she's going to the bar up the street & will text me soon. Some time passes and I get a text that says 'I miss you'. I don't think much of it given our history as she says 'I think I just got dumped, I'm on my way up there.' She gets there and proceeds to drag me to the dance floor and dance all over me and rub all over me all night. Eventually, I walk her to her car, while she complains about how much of a bum her b/f is. We sit and talk at her car, she shows me pics of her on her phone that are of her half naked and even some where she was naked. I hug her goodnight and as I pull away she kisses me.

We stay in contact over the next couple of weeks. Talk about hanging out but don't really get a chance because of work schedules. She is back to sending some pictures, being kind of flirty w/ how she talks, stalking my twitter account even though she doesn't follow me, making mention of even possibly being together in a round a bout way, etc...We do one day end up taking batting practice (we both play softball in leagues) one day and have a great time. I had hand surgery on 11/4 and she told me to make sure to keep her updated and she was probably gonna come see me afterwards. Day of my surgery as I get home, she's driving down my street, which is out of her way from work or her house, I think she's stopping by but she claimed she was passing through to pay bills (completely bs.)

Long story short, we keep talking, I keep trying to get together to hang out & she keeps coming up w/ excuses not to. Eventually, my best friends wife, who my ex acts like is one of her best friends gets worried I'm going to be hurt. I talk to her about this ex a lot as she knows her better than any of my other friends. She messages my ex & starts talking and asks her if she thinks we could end up together again. My ex says she just wants to be friends w/ me and I keep getting the wrong ideas and won't get over it etc....while she's the one giving the signals, I've done nothing but react to her. She is telling my friend this not knowing my friend is telling me everything she's saying, she's telling my friend she hasn't done anything to lead me on, blatently lying about certain things. The way it comes off is that she has feelings, but is purposfully avoiding anything that could spark them or lead her to dating me again. Like getting in her own way. My last contact w/ her was kind of set up as a way for me to clean my slate of contact so to speak so I can go on a period of time where I don't contact her & see what happens.

My problem is that I am head over heels for this girl. I thought I could be just friends, I can't. She is my perfect girl. I've dated other girls and had strong feelings for them too, but nothing like this. She does something to me that nothing else in my life does. Not any friend, family member, hobby, nothing. Nothing sets my heart and mind at ease like she does. Nothing makes me feel so comfortable and as happy as being w/ her does. We share all the same hobbies, and we are even very similar in personality. We are both strong individuals but love our friends a lot, but aren't afraid to stand alone. Through tough times, I always felt like me and her were always partners and always had each others back in any situation, she's the only person I have like that in my life.

I don't want anything else in my life at all, I'd give up everything to have her back and it's killing me. I've lived my entire live on never giving up, fighting for what you believe in, chasing your dreams, which is making this so hard for me. Conventional wisdom says let her go, I know, but I just can't, she means too much and I want her too badly. I know in my heart that she is the one for me and no one will compare to her because I've tried. I know that if we get together now, it would be perfect for both of us. We dated at the wrong time in our lives, I'm a different person now.

Do I chase her no matter what? Idk what to do right now. Is there anything I can do at all?

[bulrush]

She sounds a bit moody, and I think she is just playing games with your head, when it's convenient for her. I suspect she breaks up with drug dude, and that's when she sees you; you are the "backup boyfriend". But you guys fight, so you end up apart again.

I wouldn't see her anymore. I think you can do better.

[workingman78]

Wow, that is a little messed up. It sounds like she wants to keep you on the back burner for those times things are not good with her bf. I can't tell you if she will ever want to developed those feelings with you again, but for now she is just using you for security.

[Starkiller]

That's pretty much on the money, the times when we are cool again and friends are times when he and her are not doing well or "not together" as she says. Thing about it is, she's saying we can't be friends because I want more, but SHE'S the one showing the signs of wanting me, not the other way around. I never make any advances at her at all. So she's condeming me for things she's doing. She tells my friend she doesn't have those feelings for me anymore, but acts the exact opposite almost.

[Starkiller]

So yesterday, after not messaging her for 3 days, she text me basically for no reason, sent me a picture of some hat she liked and talked to me for about an hour. Doesn't make sense to me if she is trying to put a safe distance she would message me like that w/out me messaging her first. Also, she puts forth basically all the effort to have any type of relationship at all, friends, or further w/ the certain signals and actions she makes.

I think I guess I need to kind of ride it out, if I tell her how I feel it will probably be overload, I think.

[Starkiller]

Just wanting to bump this for anymore advice/opinions on what I should do. It pretty much stays on my mind all day long.

[steviej]

She's leading you on and enjoying the attention, when she's got you where she wants you she backs off. She gets a kick out of having all the control & power.
If you don't have the willpower to cut her out totally which in the long run is the best thing, then you could try playing her at her own game. Always let her get in touch first, always be the one to break off/end the flirting, always be the one to end the phone conversation.
Don't be eager, mention another girl you might like...

It'll eventually end badly, but at least if you play the game you'll probably end up f*cking her again.

[Starkiller]

^ By playing the game do you mean go along w/ what she's doing? Or do back to her what she's doing to me like you said?

[Koolio]

Okay, so I have never been this confused before! There's this guy that i've been seeing for about 3 months now. He is good friends with a good friend of mine, we had a class together and after that we started talking and hanging out on our own. We been on about 8 dates so far and I have no idea what our relationship status is. What I do know is that I really like him a lot and he says he does too but confuses me! He says that we are going out and are in a relationship, but that we are not gf/bf...i don't know what that means??!! A few days ago, it was his best girl friends birthday and he asked me to come out with him. I went and the entire night his two best girl friends kept saying "*** we love your girlfriend, she is awesome and the best." Everytime we go out we always hold hands and he'll always give me a goodbye hug and a quick kiss but that day we actually kissed. Also, every time we hang out, the concept of marriage has always come up, and that day when we were walking back to the car, we passed by a shop that had wedding dresses and he goes "you're going to be wearing one of those one day." I've met all of his close friends and even went to his cousins house birthday party with him. He's said that he care about me a lot and when we hang out it seems that he truly does care about me, yet he barely makes the effort to hand out much and never really calls and talks over the phone. I know that his last relationship wasn't the greatest and the the ex broke his heart and he says he's 100% done with the past. But I don't understand why he keeps that me that we're in a relationship and going out yet not bf/gf? I've been trying to talk to him about it since the last time we hung out, but he doesn't seem to have the time to talk about it! I have no idea what he really wants, does he actually care about me or is he just playing games with me? Cuz i really like this guy!

[steviej]

^ By playing the game do you mean go along w/ what she's doing? Or do back to her what she's doing to me like you said?

Taste of her own medicine. Get her to chase you, don't be a doormat to her!

[GPLOC]

This is another sad case of the girl who refuses to go for the 'too nice' guy. She seems like a bit of a drama lover and she's blind to the truth of the matter. The issue is how she sees men. And that's something you cannot change my friend. She goes for the bad boy, the scruffy guy that likes it rough, so to speak. And when he doesn't show her enough attention and give her the tenderness she needs (though she'll never admit needing it), then she comes to you. She gets different things from different people. And right now, you are the guy she can come to be comfortable with. The fights suggest there is a little bit of secual friction/chemistry between you too. I know this is cliche, but 'grow some nuts'. Next time she gets a little electric around you, kiss her hard and see what she does. Become the rough and tumble guy. You see, if you can give her the attitude and confidence of her man, and the soft side that she already knows in you, you're perfect. Why else would she come back every few months? Try it out. If it kills it, I'm sorry. But what's the alternative? Waiting miserably? I know which option I'd take man.

[MarieCee]

She sound like a horrible woman.

You need to dump her.

You can find a much better woman. Don't afraid to let go.

[Starkiller]

This is another sad case of the girl who refuses to go for the 'too nice' guy. She seems like a bit of a drama lover and she's blind to the truth of the matter. The issue is how she sees men. And that's something you cannot change my friend. She goes for the bad boy, the scruffy guy that likes it rough, so to speak. And when he doesn't show her enough attention and give her the tenderness she needs (though she'll never admit needing it), then she comes to you. She gets different things from different people. And right now, you are the guy she can come to be comfortable with. The fights suggest there is a little bit of secual friction/chemistry between you too. I know this is cliche, but 'grow some nuts'. Next time she gets a little electric around you, kiss her hard and see what she does. Become the rough and tumble guy. You see, if you can give her the attitude and confidence of her man, and the soft side that she already knows in you, you're perfect. Why else would she come back every few months? Try it out. If it kills it, I'm sorry. But what's the alternative? Waiting miserably? I know which option I'd take man.

Makes pretty good sense. Only thing I'd say is that I don't consider myself 'too nice' for her, IMO. I've never been afraid to stand up to her if I disagree with something she says/does, which usually leads to us fighting, or when she sends all those signals and I act on them, then she says she just want to be friends I tell her what she was doing. I like to think I just don't roll over for her on everything.

[Starkiller]

So a week or so has gone by since I've heard from her, I haven't contacted her in that time either. I know the "out of sight, out of mind" approach is the best way to battle this, but it's not working. Every day it's a fight for me not to just message her to say hi or try and hang out. I think what is making it worse is that I have been off work for 3 weeks and will be until mid December due to an injury so the boredom is not making things easy, along w/ the fact that her day job is at a restaraunt about a block from my house so she is really close 5 days a week. I want to tell her how I really feel but I feel like I can't just come from out of nowhere w/ it, and I have to build up some better raport with her before I can.

[steviej]

Don't crumble now! Keep strong on this one! Go buy some new computer games to keep yourself occupied or something.