Never cheated on any woman in my life, but when I find my 1st true love I DO THIS...?

[Emerald_City206]

THERE ARE A FEW QUESTIONS I HAVE REGARDING MY SITUATION... PLEASE HELP OUT WITH ANY PARTS THAT YOU CAN AND IF SOMETHING IS UNCLEAR or YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO EXPLAIN MORE OF PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK


I am here because I realize that I have no one in my life to really talk to about this.

************************* MY STORY **********************************************

I am a 25 yo man and I met the 1st woman I ever loved last year IN SEPT 2010.

When we first met we were inseparable. I was living alone and she was splitting a room with her sister.

After just a couple weeks of seeing each other she began to basically live with me. She would come over everyday Which I loved, we met in Sept 10" and the next month we saw each other everyday becasue she would come over to my place. without saying she had already moved in, but by FEB 11" it was pretty much official, she had most all her stuff in my place.

I told her that i wanted to talk about our living situation becasue I wanted us to have our own space for a little while. I wanted us to last, which is why I suggested this. Plus she was already looking for a place so i told her she could stay with me for as long as it needed. I love this woman. I would do anything for her. This is the first woman I ever said "I LOVE YOU" too 1st. I have never felt like saying that to a woman but I knew she was different.

The problem begain with me not being happy with the fact that she never wanted to talk about the future and everytime I asked about what her moving plans were she wouldn't want to talk about it, or she would say "im still looking"

THIS NEXT PART IS WHERE I BECOME THE A-HOLE Around June of this year I began responding to old emails to girls that i knew in the past. These emails ultimatley led to me having one night stands. I had one in JUNE, one in JULY one in AUG and one time OCT. When i first began doing this I wanted to get help (I knew i needed to see a therpist) , becasue i have never cheated on any woman in my life. I didnt like myself for it and it hurt me so much just to think about what My Woman would feel like if she found out.

NOW MIND YOU, I DO NOT CHEAT I HAVE BEEN OUT IN THE WORLD AND HAVE SEEN WOMAN AND HAVE HAD THE OPPURTUNITY TO CHEAT BUT NEVER DID. THE PART THAT I KNOW IS WRONG WITH ME IS HOW COME IN REAL LIFE I WOULD NEVER EVEN TALK TO ANOTHER WOMAN BUT WHEN IT COMES TO EMAILING I FELT LIKE THAT WAS LESS WRONG? I dont know why I did what I did. My women was better than anything I have ever had in my life.

--- ???? ---- HERE IS THE PART WHICH I NEED HELP UNDERSTANDING --- ??? ---


Come to find out my girlfriend knew about the emails the enitre time. BUT she never said anything to me.. EVER she knew back in June when it started. Every single day we see each other and everyday we tell each other how much we love one another.. but she never mentioned the emails to me ever.

ON OCT 18th I leave for work and my girl tells me how good i look and right before I leave for work she tells me " I love you baby" Then I come home and find a note on my table and all her stuff is gone. The note says" I know you have ben cheating on my for the past 5 months, i tried to not let it bother me but i have reached my limit, dont call me or text me ever"

Its about about 1.5 months since then. She refuses to talk about anything. we went from saying I love you everyday and being super close to her not even wanting to talk or see me. This is a complete switch which i dont understand. HOW COULD A WOMEN KNOW THAT HER MAN IS COMMUNICATED WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND NOT EVER MENTION IT TO HIM?? I wanted to get help and to see a therapist the entire time! I knew something was not right with the way I was thinking. Since then I have been seeing a therapist, I am on my 6th session.

She still has access to my email account. And so what i have done every day since then is write her letters using my email account and then i send them to myself (to the same email account) so this gives her the option of loggin on and seeing the letters if she wants too.

All I ever do in the letters is say what an a-hole I was and that all i want to do is have a talk with her face to face.




--- ???? ---- HERE IS ANOHTER PART WHICH I NEED HELP UNDERSTANDING --- ??? ---

She has emailed me only 2 times in the past 1.5 months THE 1st email I got back was a short paragraph saying how sorry she was the way she left and that she wants to meet FACE TO FACE but she dosen't know when she will be ready. BUT THEN 1 WEEK LATER I get another email form her at 1am saying how she gave me 5 months to confess, and she never wants to see /talk to me ever again. HOW COME I GOT THESE 1 CONFLICTING EMAILS FROM HER?


This is so confusing. EVEN TO THIS DAY SHE REFUSES TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING WITH ME!! I DONT GET IT HOW COULD SOMEONE GO MONTHS WITH OUT SAYING SOMETHING TO THE PERSON THEY CARED ABOUT???!?!?

WHY IS SHE AVOIDING EVEN TALKING TO ME ??? I NEED SOME ADVICE. I know I was wrong btu I dont even get a chance to give her the apology she deserves. I hate emailing, all i ask her ever tell her is that I am open and I would like to talk when she is ready.


I STILL LOVE HER, EVEN RIGHT NOW. I KNOW I HURT HER. ALL I WANT TO DO IS TALK TO HER AND HEAR HER TELL ME. I DONT FEEL LIKE THERE IS ANY CLOSURE WHAT SO EVER . WHY DOES SHE NOT EVEN WANT TO SPEAK TO ME???

I know I wrote alot but for all of you who have read this far, please feel free to share your comments or advice with me. All progressive criticism is welcomed

[Cerby]

I read the whole thing, and I can make a couple of comments for you that you might have missed.

She has communication problems, he unwillingness to speak about the future or any kind of planning means that whatever she was thinking she was struggling to say. This is probably a buried source of why you were never confronted.

Now onto the reality of it. You cheated, you're a cheater. There is nothing more to it, you can say "I'm not a cheater" but you are, not only once, but several times. She owes you NOTHING, no emails, no calls, nothing. She even said that you had been given time to confess over the 5 months and she was waiting for it. Eventually she just said "f*ck it" and left.

Its over buddy, you screwed up bad and you're not going to get her back. Serves you right, you're a cheater and don't deserve this girl.

[Emerald_City206]

Yes It's true I did mess up, Thats why I am seeing a counselor about why I did what I did. I never want to do hurt someone like that ever.

[Wakeup]

I DONT GET IT HOW COULD SOMEONE GO MONTHS WITH OUT SAYING SOMETHING TO THE PERSON THEY CARED ABOUT???!?!?

I'd say she didn't say anything because she didn't have a place to go so she kept quiet until she knew she had secured a place to stay and at least had some form of income. Or: She thought she could live with your dipping your wick in a new stranger every chance you got but come to learn that she could not. Or: She played along until she found another dude to take her in and look after her. When you met her she was sharing the rent for ONE room with a sibling. She obviously was in dire straights.

I STILL LOVE HER, EVEN RIGHT NOW. I KNOW I HURT HER. ALL I WANT TO DO IS TALK TO HER AND HEAR HER TELL ME. I DONT FEEL LIKE THERE IS ANY CLOSURE

You get closure from within not from other people. Talk to your therapist about that. You'll have some very enlightening moments if you actually "get" that concept. You're reaping your Karma. Forgive yourself and learn the lesson this was suppose to teach you and then let go of the rest.

She's avoiding talking to you now, it's called Zero Contact or No Contact because it is the best strategy known to help someone get over a break up. It is also a strategy to help the person being broken up with get over them. It is also a strategy people take when they have someone new and they don't want an ex screwing it up with their attempts at reconciliation.

It sounds over for sure. Please help yourself by concentrating on bettering yourself through therapy and accepting it's over. You'll heal much quicker if you do.

[Emerald_City206]

She's avoiding talking to you now, it's called Zero Contact or No Contact because it is the best strategy known to help someone get over a break up. It is also a strategy to help the person being broken up with get over them. It is also a strategy people tae when they have someone new and they don't want an ex screwing it up with their attempts at reconcilliation.

It sounds over for sure. Please help yourself by concentrating on bettering yourself through therapy and accepting it's over. You'll heal much quicker if you do.

Its hard getting that thru my head. I cared for her so much. I know everyone keeps telling me its over. It feels impossible right now to accept that. I am trying to hear what you are saying.. It may only be slowly leaking into my head.. But I do see.


getting those two conflicting emails just dosen't make sense. I am trying to do my best to not think about her, but the more I try the more it is harder to not think about. But please know I do hear what you are saying..... its just hard reaping what i have sewed.

[Wakeup]

I'd say the two conflicting emails were because she might have been having a weak moment at the time of writing the optimistic one (in your favor) but, as the days wore on, she came to accpet that she is better off without you, or with the new person, or alone in fact and so she sent the second email to close the door for good.

You getting over your regret and remorse and guilt is entirely up to YOU. Do not continue in your selfishness by expecting or anticipating that you should get a reprieve from her. Learn from your mistake, learn why you did this in your therapy, forgive yourself and forget about her and quit writing freaking emails to yourself. Everyone you write just keeps you stagnated in your guilt/remorse/regret and it keeps the flame burning for someone who is gone. You hurt YOURSELF over and over everytime you look for her to respond and she hasn't.

[Emerald_City206]

Everyone you write just keeps you stagnated in your guilt/remorse/regret and it keeps the flame burning for someone who is gone. You hurt YOURSELF over and over everytime you look for her to respond and she hasn't.

Yea I know thats true. Just sux i could not have been confronted about it. All my fault All my loss.

[Wakeup]

You think it sux that you weren't confronted about it by her? Just what do you think would have happened differently if she had confronted you? Actually, the very fact that she didnt' confront you totally makes me believe that she just kept quiet until she was secure in another relationship herself or at the very least, had found another place to live. She was poor and practically homeless before you bailed her out. She wasn't the love or your life. You'd do well to let go of that fantasy. In fact you barely fking knew her before she was totally moved in one pair of underwear at a time. Hello! I don't think she has communication problems at all. I think she had a plan though.

I'm not saying you were'nt wrong in your behaviour. I'm just sayin.

Seem you romanticize what you had with her when I'm thinking you were a convenience and she just let you carry on until she found something that suited her better. You were better than boarding in one room with her sister.

The problem begain with me not being happy with the fact that she never wanted to talk about the future and everytime I asked about what her moving plans were she wouldn't want to talk about it, or she would say "im still looking"

yea, likely she never wanted to talk about the future because she had no plans to keep you in her future. Chalk it up to a fling wherein you did some pretty stupid stuff, you're working on why you did this stupid stuff and there is hope for you not to be an asshole in the future because she was good enough to teach you a lesson and not dumb enough to enable you to be a turd by staying there.

[smackie9]

Yes I agree with Wakeup, she was borrowing time all those months to save some money to get the F uck out. And ya she was using you for sure, that is why there was no need to mention a future, because she wasn't planning to stick around anyways. She sends all these silly emails to direct the attention onto you and away from her so you don't figure out her actual motive for even being with you. Karma is an interesting thing..... gets you for your bad behavior......she was using you and got cheated on lol, and with your cheating, she ditches you, making sure you are left all messed up and confused with yourself.......funny how things work themselves out.

[tfma1ne]

Put yourself in her shoes - you played her. Maybe all she wanted was to use you and leave and maybe she didn't. All the same, you gave her an excuse. You ****ed up and not her. As far as forgiveness goes, she might let it go but you have to come to terms with the fact that letting go of something like that is extremely hard. You might get back together but she'll constantly bring it up and turn into a jealous monster OR she might forgive you but won't get back with you. Can you accept that? Apologize, say your peace, and live your life. If she loves you, she'll come back no matter what - given some time. If she doesn't? Well, better to have lived and loved than not loved at all - such is life.

[Journey2Virtue]

Actually alot of people are not straight-foward and direct. Some people can only be direct about some things. The thing is you knew what you were doing was wront. She knows that you know you were wrong. So she sees nothing to discuss. In her mind, her finding out on her own was the only thing that would bring it to an end.

Sorry. Honestly, I think you should try your best to move on. If in a few months, you still cant, then see a therapist about learning to take this as a life experience and help you move on. But you really should give up on trying to get her back

[Emerald_City206]

Karma is an interesting thing..... gets you for your bad behavior......she was using you and got cheated on lol, and with your cheating, she ditches you, making sure you are left all messed up and confused with yourself.......funny how things work themselves out.

Damn.... Thats exactly how I have been thinking about it. What goes around comes around....

[Emerald_City206]

Apologize, say your peace, and live your life. If she loves you, she'll come back no matter what - given some time. If she doesn't? Well, better to have lived and loved than not loved at all - such is life.

Yes She is refusing to even talk about things so I wont ever get a chance to apologize now. I do want to apologize to her face to face. But if she doesn't want that then I guess it wont ever happen. Also thank you so much for the possibilty of HOPE... Its hard, but I understand now I have to give it time.... I have to give it time.

[Emerald_City206]

Actually alot of people are not straight-foward and direct. Some people can only be direct about some things. The thing is you knew what you were doing was wront. She knows that you know you were wrong. So she sees nothing to discuss. In her mind, her finding out on her own was the only thing that would bring it to an end.

Sorry. Honestly, I think you should try your best to move on. If in a few months, you still cant, then see a therapist about learning to take this as a life experience and help you move on. But you really should give up on trying to get her back

I am trying. I am already seeing a therpist right now. IM on my 5th week/session I have never disrespected a woman like this before, which is why I am going to better myself. I dont want to hurt anyone like that ever again. I hate to be labeled a "cheater" but thats what I did. Right now I am getting help and I am trying to work on myself.

Its funny, how I get so much good advice from random strangers but yet my friends had all this weird stuff to say... I want to thank everyone who has been commenting and giving me feedback. I am now able to look at thigns in many different lights/angles Thank you to ALL....

[smackie9]

Well I'll tell you what my take is on your cheating. Your expectations were pretty high with her, jumping in with such strong feelings so soon, which can knock a relationship off balance. People use cheating as an escape, like from their insecurities of their relationship caused by certain expectations not being fulfilled. It was scaring you at the fact that she would skirt around the topic of planning the future. Obviously this was very important to you, for planning the future marked going to the next level in your relationship. To you this lead to suspicion, and doubt....you were questioning if she truly loved you or not. And maybe thought you weren't man enough for her to consider marriage. So now the fear sets in that things may not be what they seem, your plans may not happen, maybe feeling a little emasculated by it you turn to other women to make you feel like a man....to feel desired is to feel power.....feed your ego. It's not very long lived so you seek out another woman to get that feeling back. You have never cheated before because you never have been faced with a situation like this before. So hopefully with therapy you will be able to prevent this from happening again...that you will learn to deal with these things in a more constructive way.


Just my 2 cents....