Relationship issues? is this it?

[Togoru]

Things haven't been so great lately in my relationship. It all started a few months ago when I first discovered porn pics on my Bf's phone. I asked why he had them and he said "because I will always look at other women. you'll have to deal with it". well he deleted the images at the time and is again saving images from magazines and porn sites or camera sites to his phone. It makes me uncomfortable despite knowing how guys look at porn or other chicks. I even still check out other guys but I wouldn't make my boyfriend feel bad or like it's his problem if he said it made him feel odd. And that's the thing, every time I say it bothers me he calls me insecure. Is it normal for him to save stuff like that to his phone? I send him sexy pics of myself to him, we see each other a good amount, we have sex very often too, when I said that "why do you have images of other chicks if I send you pics like that of myself?" he said "well your pics are nice but I still like looking at other women." and when I asked if saving it to his phone was something he always did or new he said "I've always looked at porn, but just within the last few months I started saving it to my phone because it's easier than going through a magazine or back on a computer". And I said how I thought it was odd he did that because he NEVER had saved stuff like that on his phone before. He got all defensive with me and said I have a problem and how it shouldn't bother me. But do you think what he's doing is normal behavior? It just seems odd and not right to me that out of nowhere he'd be more into saving it like that and on his phone.
I learned it's not just the porn that bothers me. It's his attitude towards me and how he treats me too. when I bring up how something bothers me he will ALWAYS make it like I have a problem, that I'm insecure, or that "nothing is wrong". He turns it around on me and will get defensive. Then I ultimately feel worse about how I felt or what I attempted to explain.

I don't know what to do.

Also, before it was just images of chicks from magazines. Now he is starting to save images of women from videos online, like from camera sites, like camscamscams I think it's called, the girls are in their underwear and/or are naked. I feel like it's getting worse. And I provide him with sex, sexy lingerie, all of that! And it's not like I am unattractive either. I am 5'4" and 110 pounds. The porn doesn't seem to cut into our sex life. But this is really bother me, along with how he treats me.

What do you guys think?

[searock]

He is a dick for not respecting your feelings and not even trying to understand you, but rather making you feel like you're the crazy insecure one. The reason he gets so defensive is probably that he also thinks there is something wrong with what he does. A loving bf should make you feel accepted, understood, and comfortable all the time. Not insecure and paranoid and weak. I suggest you try talking with him one last time, then if he still refuses to listen/reply in an adult mature way, start considering whether you wouldn't be better off without him.

[Togoru]

I think that's what I have to do... This just isn't worth it anymore if he can't respect me. Every time I bring something up he is a dick about it and all I want to do is just talk about it and make it better. Then he will make it all worse by saying how nothing is wrong or that I'm insecure and that I should "accept it" or it's "normal". Well I can't help it bothers me how he saves it like that. I don't have a problem with porn, it's how he saves it so recently on his phone like that. He never did that before. And the problem is deeper than just porn, just in general when something bothers me he gets so defensive and in general can just be a dick sometimes. I can't keep dealing with that. It's time to finally put my foot down. If it doesn't work I am out.

[Togoru]

I talked to him more. He said he'd respect me and get rid of the images and not save them like that on his phone anymore and instead "use something else". And again it's not the porn I had a problem with it was how he was saving it like that on his phone that made me uncomfortable because he never had done that before so it was odd to me. He said he loves porn and uses it for fantasizing. he stopped watching it when we first went out (a year and a half ago) but started again and that he would never pick porn over me though, how it was just him looking and not touching, but how he'd stop though. But then again this same thing happened last time too.... It's just once before he deleted the images and then started saving them like that again. He said he will this time and won't again... and well if it happens again that he saves them like that, it's not extreme to dump him, I think. I know porn isn't unusual for guys to be into but after telling him how I feel about it on his phone and him saying he'd get rid of it, if it happens again I don't think that's too extreme to just leave, right?

[searock]

The problem is not porn, it's his attitude and his disrespect in your regards. If he gets defensive and doesn't even listen to you - or worse, tells you you're right just to shut you up then proceeds just as if the argument hadn't even happened - then he's a dick and you have every right to dump him.

[Togoru]

He was more reassuring this time, but at the same time he often is an ass and says things that no girlfriend would want to hear. Such as how I brought up how not every guy needs porn he said "well, I'm not like that. I look at porn cause that's how I am wired". Well he said he'd get rid of the images on his phone, which was only part of the bigger issue. Overall, if he says one thing and does another or doesn't see how I feel then I'll have to dump him.

[Togoru]

So tomorrow I am seeing him. In person we can discuss it more. He did say he'd change. I said I've been unhappy and he wants me to be happy and told me to give him a chance to make me happy and to fix everything. He said he got rid of the images and won't save them like that anymore, and in general (and what was part of the larger issue) he said he won't get defensive or "snap" at me anymore when I bring things up. To which he first said "I won't get defensive or snap anymore unless it's your fault" to which I said something along the lines of how I should never have to feel like anything is my fault and how I shouldn't ever have to feel bad or put down especially by my boyfriend and how I never blame him for anything, when I bring things up it is because I want to work it out, peacefully and that I don't deserve to be treated like that and I don't need to put up with that kind of an attitude. Then that's when he said he'd change.

The thing is, I don't know if I can believe he will "change" or do what he says. I know love is about trust, I still feel odd about just everything or as if it's not the same. And regarding the porn on the phone thing, when I first found out he reassured me and deleted it all, and then did it again. So that makes me wonder if this time for the sake of our relationship if he WILL actually this time keep his word, not do that anymore, and overall just respect me and treat me better. I am willing to give him another shot, but it's the uncertainty that makes it sad.

[TheWiseOracle]

It is really natural for men to have sexual desire for other women, but his disrespect and inconsideration of your feelings in very offensive. The only thing to do is to make him keep his promise because if he's not going to leave his old habits you have every right to DUMP HIM!!!

[Togoru]

And it's not the porn I had a problem with necessarily, of course it made me feel a little awkward at first to discover it because well it's one thing to consider that it happens, but to see it is another thing. Of course I know it's normal and most guys do. But I'm young and still experiencing new things when it comes to relationships because this is my first real one, well that's lasted the longest. So things like porn are just something that over time I'd assume I'd accept more fully and be more secure about. But It's like I know I have nothing to worry about though, they're just slutty girls he has no feelings for. I am the one he loves, and he said he'd never cheat. He always apparently looked at it but he seemed more into it lately, or he told me when we first started going out or for a while after that he stopped but now started again? That I don't exactly understand, any input on that?

But I found it odd how all the sudden he had to save it on his phone (in the last few months he has been saving it like that). It made me uncomfortable because it had never been like that before (on his phone). When I first found out I was reassured, they were deleted, then a month or so later he started doing that again. So I told him how it makes me feel today and he said he'd stop it then. But the porn was only part of it, as I've explained before, it was more so about respecting my feelings and considering how I feel which he was NOT doing. he said he'd change so I can see if he does. I don't know how I can make him necessarily keep his promise though, because he could say he'd stop but still continue it possibly... But I guess I have to be trusting. I basically gave him an ultimatum that if he doesn't consider my feelings and if that happens again then I don't need that and would leave.

[Togoru]

So I saw him yesterday, he apologized for "being so mean", showed me he deleted everything and when I said, "well this happened before, you got rid of them and then it happened again how do I know you won't just do that again?" he said to me, "well I didn't know it bothered you that much but now I do. You''ll just have to take my word for it". and I said "well that wasn't JUST the problem, the bigger issue was how my feelings need to be considered more and how every time something bothers me and I bring it up you get defensive, blame me, or have a bitter attitude or as if nothing is wrong" and then he said "because when you bring stuff up I feel like you're blaming me or that something is wrong with me" and I told him that's not the case and that I bring stuff up peacefully and want to calmly discuss them but how every time I do he can have a bad attitude and how he shouldn't act that way towards me if I am not being mean to him. And so he said he wouldn't. When he asked if I was ok I said, "as long as you keep your word" and he said he promised he'd keep his word.

I still can't see what'd happen, like if he would start saving pics on his phone anyway again even though he's aware how it makes me feel, or if when I bring things up if he'd still get all defensive about it. If that happened at least I know I gave it a chance.

But I almost don’t exactly feel the same about him. Like it just seems sort of awkward. I don’t know if it’s something I can get over or if now from everything that’s happened if that’s just how it will be. Thoughts?

[MaidenMinx]

Let me preface this with, I am not attacking you, just asking some questions.

When you tell him you have a problem with something, what kind of language do you use? Do you state things along the lines of "when you do this, I feel like that" if so, your language is getting in your way and provoking a defensive response. Google I statements. I have a feeling you may find them useful.

And just so you know, storing porn on phones is not that uncommon these days. When I've worked in hospitality in the past kitchens have often been boys clubs and it's amazing what you'll see and hear in a kitchen and when it's quiet it's not uncommon for guys to stand around comparing the contents of their phones. Often the type of porn stored in these situations is porn to laugh at rather than porn to wank to. I'm not saying you have to accept the porn on his phone, I'm just saying it's not uncommon.

[Togoru]

It's not often something bothers me but when something does I usually say something like "Can we talk about something that makes me feel *insert feeling*" But I never make it like it's his fault or say "when you *insert thing* it really bothers me a lot and I don't like it, knock it off".

As for the porn thing, I know it's not uncommon to look at or keep it's just that so much of it was on his phone that made me uncomfortable. And it wasn't even the porn that was the main problem, it's how he disregarded how it made me feel/my feelings.

[bulrush]

The problem is not porn, it's his attitude and his disrespect in your regards. If he gets defensive and doesn't even listen to you - or worse, tells you you're right just to shut you up then proceeds just as if the argument hadn't even happened - then he's a dick and you have every right to dump him.

I was just going to say this exact same thing. Porn is normal for guys, guys like (visual) variety (in women). Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. But it does sound like he is not validating your feelings. OTOH, you do sound a bit insecure also. If he gets to the point where he watches porn instead of sleeping with you, then it's a problem.

I use this issue as a test for potential girlfriends. If they don't mind that I watch porn, then they must be secure with themselves. So that is attractive to me. Honestly, I would never watch porn if my gf was visiting. That would be rude.

[Togoru]

It hasn't just been that (the porn on the phone) where he hasn't considered my feelings. He can be a bit harsh in general sometimes. And at times I will admit I can be a bit insecure too. No one is perfect.
I don't mind porn, something about it on his phone made me a little uncomfortable though. I understand guys like variety and watching it/other women and it has nothing to do with how their girlfriend is and I know my boyfriend loves me. The whole porn thing I am still adjusting to I suppose. It's more mixed feelings cause I know it's not unusual for guys to watch but I myself am adjusting to getting used to it. Cause I figured my boyfriend did before but never knew what he was exactly in to or liked specifically looking at. Seeing it is different than just thinking it probably happens. it's just something I never really exactly knew about him until recently. So it's like seeing another side of him that I never did before, even though most guys do and it's pretty normal. I know I have nothing to worry about because they're just images and cam vids of girls that he doesn't care about. He said he'd never pick porn over me and it hasn't really gotten in the way of sex with each other (although a couple times his masturbating did affect the fact that he "hurt" too much to have actual sex with me). Plus my whole point of it all was just him trying to respect my feelings a little more about things, not just porn.

[Togoru]

It's so wrong to "look" for things, ignorance is bliss, and I am aware I also have some trust issues if I did this (but once before he knew how I felt, deleted them, and then he saved images again anyway so trustwise I am uncertain), but suppose I went and checked his phone and after he knows how I feel and promised me he'd keep his word and I still found images anyway?

Would it just be him being a guy and looking as men are so "naturally inclined" to? or would it be more of him not respecting how porn on his phone how it makes me feel.
I made it clear any other sort of porn anywhere else doesn't bother me, just for some reason his phone is where it made me uncomfortable.

If he saves them on his phone again after knowing how it makes me feel what do I do? Suck it up and accept it, or dump him for not respecting me, lying, and breaking a promise?