What would you do (regarding ex & friend)

[muzzsjm]

Thought I'd ask a female perspective since all my male friends say the same. I still have really strong feelings for my ex... it the she's the one type feelings. However she is due to marry my friend in August next year.

Summary...

Met my ex whilst I was with someone else. I wasn't sure the relationship was strong or going anyway due to age difference and complications etc which is how the ex got my attention. So I started dating my ex as she made it clear she really fancied me whenever I saw her (we worked together she made the first move). Being naive I didn't think it would lead anywhere so I just went with the flow. Being an immature twat on a bit of an ego trip I never told either of them. You don't need to tell me what a prick I was because I've learnt from my mistakes lost friends and had to grow up accept my faults and put things right with lots of people.

Eventually it blossomed into something bigger my ex making big changes in her life to accomdate me. Over the course of year I put my ex through alot of hell as she eventually found out I was with someone else. I told her I'd end my relationship to be with her but for some reason never could. I had been in long term relationships before but nothing as permanent mature and adult. I just didn't realise how special the ex was.

Anyway eventually she had enough and let me go I even proposed marriage and said I'd go for councilling. She had a brief fling with someone but it never worked out as she wasn't over me we split up. She told me she wanted me so badly but not being able to trust me would be too much for her. She said had I wanted to she'd have married me as she had never ever loved someone like me but I had messed it all up... SHe was more experienced relationship wise but never worked out none of her previous boyfriends were like me. I ended up staying in the relationship I was in from the start and had to explain my actions when it all came out.

I didn't speak to my ex for a while or see her as she closed communication with me to move on. I then started a new job and my ex made contact again coming to see me a few times as I where I worked was on her morning route to work. I provided moral support for her with some emotional things going on and we seemed to get on again she enquired as to whether I was still with someone and wasn't happy when I Was.

Later told me she was planning on moving back home to be with her family and moving her life back to where she grew up. I explained it would hurt to never ever see her again as she would live hours away. She made it clear again she just couldn't be with me as she'd never trust me. I spent sometime with her and took her out as I wanted to show her I could be a nice guy she said not to get my hopes up but I'm sure we both still felt the same, I turned down sex a few times as I didn't want to use her. Looking back I think she was testing me to see how much I really wanted her and I messed that up!!!!!

I then get a visit from her one day and she explains she's start dating my friend. Our contact then became none existant between us as I was working hard and she was with my friend. I found out from a friend they were together and moving in together after just 2 months. My relationship is all but over but my feelings for my ex have never ever changed. She's going to marry him next August they've been together almost a year now.

We've met up a few times recently for the first time in over 8 months as I agreed when she emailed me a while back to pay her some owed money. At first it was cagey due to our history but we talk about things...We still get on really very well and she's made it clear she still fancies I think. I explained I was happy for her but sorry I messed things up and I wish I'd done it differently. She did send me an email saying I couldnt have felt the way I really did as I could never be with her fully.Thats not true I just made a mistake as I was stupid immature and I wish things were different I'd have been with her like she wanted.

She says she's happy to be in contact and I can email her if I'm ever bored though she won't tell her family or some of her friends she's in contact. She says that it was mostly the physical stuff that kept us together for so long that we perhaps didn't have the emotional stuff to complete things because I was never fully commited to her. Now she has the balance between physical and emotional with my friend apparently.

I know I'll keep trying to stay in contact. I'm so glad she's happy and if she's getting married I wish her the best.... but part of me just wants to say look I love you more than anyone or anything you know I've been a twat but lets go for it again and this time I'll be yours.

I just can't write this off.

[MerryH]

I just can't write this off.

Why not? How about you try doing what's best for someone other than yourself for once? You blew it, and now she's happy with someone else. And you're trying to ruin that for her to satisfy your own selfishness.

I mean, really. What are you thinking? You have a girlfriend. You've had one this whole time, yes? What on earth makes you think you're trustworthy enough or worth the risk of her leaving her presumably stable, happy relationship for you. The one who jerked her around and will continue to do so as long as you're with someone else and still trying to get with her.

And stop with the "I made a mistake, I didn't realize, I was stupid, I've been a twat" bullshit. Yes, you've been a twat. Realizing that and saying it out loud doesn't mean you deserve forgiveness or anything else you're expecting. So shut up. You're still being a twat. You know how you can fix your asshole mistakes? By apologizing to everyone involved and then leaving them alone forever, your current girlfriend included. Don't be in another relationship until you can learn how to behave as if other people's feelings matter.