Boyfriend & Best Friend - Feel So Betrayed

[kat9937]

I'll try to make this as compressed as possible.

I just broke up with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago because he is moving away...it was nothing to do with the relationship. The relationship seemed amazing. It was extremely upsetting for me that he was moving because I cared so much. He wanted to stay in contact because he said that he may not have to be gone too long...maybe just a few months etc - but I just felt that if its meant to be...and he returns...and timing is right - then we could give it another shot...vs being in limbo and the stress of a long distance relationship.

So...that said, we had different places...but pretty much were together all the time...either him at my place or me at his. HE always wanted us to be together. HE was always extremely sweet. We just worked.

We would go out on the weekends together and often my 2 best friends came along. This one night, he was here - the girls came over - and then I actually ended up drinking too much and felt sick so I told them I thought it was best I stayed home...but wanted them all to go have fun. I trusted my man with my friends and loved that they all got along.

Anyways, hindsight is 2020 - and now I am grateful that I was sick that night because of what I just found out.

We got into some texting last night (and he was asking to see me today even)...I don't want to see him...just wanted to move on cause so hard to see him and go through that depressing time knowing that he is leaving in a week.

Things got a bit nasty and he ended up telling me that I should know about my gf. He ended up telling me that I should know one thing...basically saying that night something happened between them. And he ends up saying that he never regrets meeting me cause I have such a hot girlfriend...and that she tastes like sugar. (gross)...needless to say I was in shock he was saying this - and didn't start grilling him cause I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I called her and asked her what was going on. She ends up telling me that he told her that night that the second he saw her, he liked her....she said they went outside of the bar to "talk". First of all - she should have told him to take a hike and told me right away...not go outside to talk to him! (She obviously went outside so my other gf wouldn't see what was up)

I asked her if they kissed etc...and she said she wants to talk in person...I go "so that obviously means yes!" And she said he tried to. Seriously, I can pretty much bet - she was loving the attention and with alcohol involved (which is NEVER an excuse) kissed him. She said they were out there for about 20 minutes. For what?

She had just known that I was so depressed for the past week because he was moving, I could barely get outta bed... She says I am like a sister to her...her best friend...how much she loves me...- if you love someone, you don't let them carry on with some guy who was going for you! You only keep it secret if there was something to hide... PLUS I was even saying to her how I hope he comes back in a few months etc - like, so here she would know I would be sitting here missing this guy...and then possibly be back with him...and to say nothing?

She went on and on today saying she didn't want me to be hurt and knowing he was leaving, she just didn't say anything.
Thats ridiculous. Knowing how I felt about him...you have to tell the person. I felt like a fool. I even wonder if they slept together that night. Makes me sick to think he came back to my bed and laid beside me.

Anyways, so now she is trying everything she can to salvage our friendship - is working right now but going to come here after work. (I want her to come moreso cause she has my parking pass etc. and fob to get in my apartment)...

I want to hear what she has to say - but I just can't see how I could ever trust her again.

He was even texting her (got her number from this guy he knows had it...which is true)...and asking how she is. She sent it to me and he was saying he gets what he wants.... She said not to text her.... Then he texted her again on the 14th asking what I was saying about him. She told him just that he was moving away and I was sad. Again - why even respond to this?! AND this was an hour before he came to my place with 2 bottles of wine because I was upset about the move...and he went on and on about staying in contact...and how this is the type of relationship he always wanted...Unbelievable. I'm sure he was texting her before he came over just to see if he could find out if I knew anything.

So I feel like I got the ultimate betrayal here - a guy I was crazy about - and my "best" friend keeping this from me and I doubt she will admit to kissing him. Its so heartbreaking. Just when I thought I was getting over the move issue...this happens? With the person who I lean on and trust for support?

What would you do / feel about this? Please help... What am I supposed to even say when she comes here?

[IndiReloaded]

Things got a bit nasty and he ended up telling me that I should know about my gf. He ended up telling me that I should know one thing...basically saying that night something happened between them. And he ends up saying that he never regrets meeting me cause I have such a hot girlfriend...and that she tastes like sugar.

Things you should know about HIM, he means. Don't be another bitch and blame only your ex-friend. He made the choice to do this. Dump him immediately. Personally, I wouldn't even explain anything. I'd just never contact him again.

As for your 'friend'. It seems she insists on lying about what happened. Unless you have reason to think your BF lied (and why would he?), then I would stop speaking to her as well. Your other friend most likely knows what this girl is like, so I wouldn't even trash talk her. Just say that something happened b/t her and your now ex-BF. Say you'd rather not discuss it, but you won't be spending time with her anymore. If your other friend takes her side on this, you should probably get some new friends.

Keep smiling. These kinds of things hurt like **** when they happen, but I promise you will be stronger for the experience.

[kat9937]

We are broken up......and have been for the past couple weeks... The reason I contacted him was cause I was drinking and it was always on the back of my mind if something happened...cause that night he said he just left the bar...but my other friend said they both left at the same time...so I guess it was just gut instinct...and I wanted to try to get it out of him...

[kat9937]

And in no way am I just blaming her at all - I ALWAYS preach that the person in the relationship is to blame. Just that in this case...we are already broken up - but for her to keep this from me is crazy...and knowing how hung up I was on him...even saying he may be back to we can get together again if he moves back. So, how can she let me bear all of this knowing he is a womanizer? of course I can't stand him...thats a done deal...but to be betrayed by my bff and now another relationship down the drain is so much to take.

[IndiReloaded]

Oh, well good for you. In that case just dump your ex-friend. Don't dwell on things you can't change. Its a hard but worthwhile skill to learn to switch these negative things off in ones life. You aren't ever going to change who they are and why would you want to even try? You must have enough things in your own life to work on, right?

As for closure, its overrated. The paradox is this: closure requires the offending party to acknowledge what they did was wrong. But if they could do that, then they probably wouldn't have done it in the first place. I don't see anyone begging for your forgiveness in any of what you wrote.

[kat9937]

My gf was messaging me non stop...and just happens to be at work now...but she is begging me and coming here after work (I need to get my parking stuff from her or I wouldn't be having her over) - but it just seems like how do I forgive this? I couldn't imagine doing this to someone and seeing them forgive me...

[IndiReloaded]

Its a tough one, for sure. I suppose it will really depend on her. Is she still lying about it? Trying to minimize it? Does she admit and really apologize? Does she acknowledge your hurt, or it is all about her saving face? You'll have to weigh these things against whatever else your relationship is and your personal values. Its like cheating in marriage: some people can forgive and move on and some divorce. Noone here can tell you what to decide.

Good luck.

[kat9937]

Her aim is trying to say he is tearing us apart...she is not accepting responsibility - blaming him instead to save face...

I have no idea what she plans to say when she comes here.

[MerryH]

First, your ex is a super duper asshole and you're not planning on getting back with him, done deal, so this is about your friend.

When did this incident happen? Was it after you two officially broke up? Because if so, then whatever happened between them is sort of their own business. Two consenting adults, and all that. If they did anything, that's pretty scummy, but was it seriously wrong? Only a little, and only because they weren't considerate of your feelings.

I think you should give your friend the benefit of the doubt. The way your ex told you about this was to deliberately hurt you, so I wouldn't put it past him to exaggerate or lie about whatever happened. Your friend has the more trustworthy account of what happened, hopefully. And don't feel so betrayed that she didn't tell you about it. She knew that your relationship was basically over, and maybe she just didn't want to inflict more pain on you at the moment. I would hope she'd tell you about it if it ever became clear that you were going to continue with him. This is all assuming that she's a good person and a good friend.

But if this incident happened a long time ago, then disregard everything I just wrote. They're both shitheads not worth your time, in that case. Have you talked to her yet? What did she say?