Birthday adivice

[abandoned]

Hey guys. Just joined so please bear with me.

Its a familiar story so I will be brief. My girlfirend broke off our relationship about three months ago. Although we were only together for a short time I loved (and still love) her very much. The usual excuses were there, 'Its not u its me' : 'I need more space' : 'I don't know what I want' : 'I still want to be friends' etc. I'm sure u all get the picture. I do believe she cares about me as a person but she never loved me as I did her.

My question is this. Her birthday is a couple of weeks away and I am in two minds as to what to get her. Option 1 Flowers. To me an intimate gift but one which doesn't pressure her into thinking I am trying to rekindle our relationship. Option 2 A hot air balloon flight for 1. Not as intimate but I'm afraid that an expensive gift like this will make her think she is obliged to do more for me.

I would like to hear your opinions and any further suggestions on gifts for exs.

Thank u for your time

[Junket]

How about...nothing?

[abandoned]

Thanks Frasbee, but I can't do that. Just an old fashioned guy I guess

[bohemiandonut]

I strongly suggest you look around the forum, bando. Pretty much everyone here is a strong believer in the No Contact strategy. There are posts who will explain that better than I can right now (I am lazy) but I'll lay it down for you:

1. Don't answer calls until they get frantic and desperate. Never respond to something like "oh hey, just wondering if you were still my *****..." etc.
2. No gifts!!
3. Move on with your life, and acknowledge that you deserve better than to be jerked around.

She needs to come to her senses and realize what you are, but she can only do that by herself. Stay strong man, I would really advise you not to get her the gift.

Like I said, look around the forum. You might find you are not in this boat alone (wink.)

[abandoned]

I hear ya donut. Unfortuneately its not as simple as all that. For one, I live in a small community and its all but impossible to break all contact. This is compounded by the fact that she works in a sporting club of which I am a member.(the only one here, so I can't just join another) Finally, other than breaking off our relationship, she has done nothing to hurt me. I would buy a birthday present for any of my other friends, why not her? I appreciate your support though!!!!

[bohemiandonut]

Damn you're nice.

Well, may I suggest a "friendly" gift then and not a magnificent or intimate one? How about a cd?

The balloon thing is funny, I think that (a solo trip) is something I would get for someone I didn't like if money were expendable, and then on the card write something like "Hope it's the flight of a lifetime... Mwahahahahah!"

She'll realize you'll still into her on her own accord, I wouldn't recommend trying to woo her.
Peace.

[abandoned]

Thanks donut. I appreciate it. CD's a good idea, I'll keep in mind.

The idea of a single balloon trip was so that she could choose a friend to go with. I thought that it would help us both move on. And in case your wondering, if she did happen to ask me to go with I would have declined.

I hope we all find happiness.

[schueys_girl]

Well you obviously seem like a genuine nice guy, and i really dont think this girl deserves you to get her such an extravagent gift such as the balloon ride as you are no longer together and not obliged to each other. Think...would she give u the same gift? I know that isnt really the point, but you dont want to look like your still 'out' there just for her, hanging round for her, waiting for her to come back, whether you are or not, and a gift such as that will only make her think this.
Get her a simple, friendly card, and a present like a CD, DVD or something, but nothing too personal or intimate, and congratulations for being so level heading and not holding anything against her...you are quite a rare person for not being bitter etc

[abandoned]

Thank you for your kind words Schuey. That is exactly the advice
I've been looking for. I was wondering if it looked desperate to give her either of those gifts. You're right though, she didn't even remember my birthday and it is NOT the point. I have never considered it an obligation to this girl or any other, just a token of friendship. I will take your advice, perhaps a good book!!!

Thank you all again. Your help has been invaluable

[lucan_reilly]

She isn't your girlfriend right now, she is your friend. You need to treat her like a friend. Buy her a card, and perhaps a CD, but nothing more.

[abandoned]

Thank you lucan. Your right of course. However, do u really believe there can be friendship after love? Frankly I'm sceptical. Although I believe I will always be her friend I doubt if she could ever be my friend and fulfil all the functions of a friend. At best she will just be a friendly person (hopefully) to me in the future.

Peace and happiness to you.

[cycletease]

Speaking from experience, the gifts feel like pressure. I would think on it very carefully and give a friendship gift if you are really so inclined. Perhaps a potted plant of her favorite type (cut flowers are generally romantic or reserved for family and funerals), perhaps a book that you were certain that she would like...but make it be a gesture that shows thought but cannot be construed as an attempt at reconciliation. A ticket will suggest (even if not intended) that she should invite you and will probably make her uncomfortable.

You seem to be a very nice man and I am sorry that you are going through such a painful time. I know that it is tough to know the right thing to do when you heart is conflicting with your head. Please take care of yourself and don't torture yourself by maintaining a relationship that is painful to you. Although you may be able to "handle" being friends, that doesn't mean that it is good for you.

take care and keep us posted.

[lucan_reilly]

You don't have to stop loving her, you just have to give her her space. Be realistic, of course, but you can't just turn love on and off like that. But you have two choices:
1) Love her and live in agony wishing for her to come back
2) Be her friend and love her as such

[abandoned]

Cycletease - I have read your posts in other threads and I respect your advice as I do in this one. One question though. You general seem to advocate the 'No Contact Statergy' previously mentioned. As I live in a small community with no chance of having zero contact could you suggest how I should feel when I do see her. Bear in mind that I have to go to the Club she works at this afternoon.

And lucan, you have given me the most important hint so far. I will try to enforce point two to the best of my ability.

May your God bless you all.

[bohemiandonut]

Okay everyone, (not you bando) here is a little lesson in... letting go:

First I said:
"Well, may I suggest a "friendly" gift then and not a magnificent or intimate one? How about a cd?"

Then bando said:
"Thanks donut. I appreciate it. CD's a good idea, I'll keep in mind."

Then Schuey said:
"Get her a simple, friendly card, and a present like a CD, DVD or something"

Then bando said:
"I will take your advice, perhaps a good book!!!"

Then Lucan said:
"Buy her a card, and perhaps a CD, but nothing more."

Then bando said:
"Thank you lucan. Your right of course. At best she will just be a friendly person (hopefully) to me in the future."

Then cycletease said (I still love you cycletease)
"I would think on it very carefully and give a friendship gift"

Then Lucan said (again)
"2) Be her friend and love her as such"

And then bando (tired yet?) said:
"I will try to enforce point two to the best of my ability. May your God bless you all."


In conclusion:
I'm pretty sure this guy gets the point. I think he understood it a loooong time ago.

I'm not bitter, just amused.

Peace ( :