Why do I dream about another woman?

[zertaag]

I sometimes wonder if I am one of those serial daters.

Just to add a bit of context, I am a lesbian.

Awhile back, I had a girlfriend whom I so desperately wanted to leave but I was afraid of damaging the possibility of having a friendship with her (big mistake, I dated my best friend!). During that time, I had my eyes on my current girlfriend. She was all I could think about..and now that we have been together for awhile we're fighting all the time and I'm seeing things in her that I really dislike.

Now I've met some other girl who I think is pretty cute. I don't really let myself engage in conversation with her because I know that I have a crush and it's inappropriate because I do love and care about my girlfriend. The thing is, I think about this other girl a lot and it's driving me insane! I shouldn't be doing this! I love my girlfriend.

So my question is, do you think I'm just heading for the hills because things have gotten a little rocky? Or do you think I am just the type to jump from girl to girl? What are ways that I can stop wanting to jump from girl to girl if that is the case? I am seeing a therapist for depression and this has come up but we don't spend much time on it..I just need to know what I should do...

Thank you!

[Lisa73]

I'm not sure if I can give the best advice as I'm having my own relationship issues at the moment, but I'm curious to know your age. One thing I have realised lately is that I settled way too early in life. I thought my first major relationship was IT. I'm not saying the first serious relationship can't be the one, just I think people should experience a little life first!

As for why you're always thinking of the next girl, I would say either you haven't met THE ONE yet or you have a subconscious fear of commitment, or both.

[zertaag]

Thank you Lisa!

I am 22, this is my 4th long term relationship. I've only ever had long relationships and I guess sometimes I wonder if I am missing out by not doing the whole gay club/dating scene thing. My therapist also said that I may have a subconscious fear of commitment, and that idea makes me a little bit crazy. I wish I knew if that was the case or not, but I guess that's impossible because it's on a subconscious level.. Lol.

[Lisa73]

You're still young, zertaag. I say go out and enjoy life (safely, of course). But one thing I promise you is that when you meet the one you will know it. When you are with someone and all you can think of is them and no-one else, you've met her!

Another piece of advise I would give you is that it is way to easy to put a potential partner on a pedastool. Then when you are together all the bad things you never noticed about them start to irritate. So maybe it would be a good idea for you to have a break from relationships for a while. Rediscover who you are and what you want.

[bulrush]

When you are with someone and all you can think of is them and no-one else, you've met her!

I disagree and here's why. I felt this same "obsessive thinking" or "emotional high" with most of my girlfriends. It was mostly due to New Relationship Energy, or the Honeymoon Phase. But not many of them were compatible enough to be a life mate. So, to tell if this person would be my life mate, I think "What if all the NRE was gone, I would still love them. But would I still LIKE being around the person?" If the answer is Yes, then they might be my life mate.

Being familiar with someone, or being afraid to find a new mate, is not love! And it does not mean they will be compatible enough to be a life mate.

Next, Zertaag, you are still young and it is normal to want variety, especially if you have a higher sex drive. But there are consequences to your actions. Thoughts about another woman do not mean you do not love your current gf. You simply might be curious about another type of woman, or another "type" of cuteness. I might have a slim blonde girlfriend who is pretty hot, but I would still be curious about a brunette.

You need to determine if exploring this is worth breaking up with your current gf. Or maybe you can work out an open relationship. It's not for everyone, but some couples make it work. For some, exploration and adventure and variety are a major thing they really need. You should determine if this other woman is a passing curiousity, or a major need in your life for some adventure. I mention this because if you don't get your major needs met, you will be unhappy.