Attracting a new type of man.

[JadenMia]

As some of you know, i have been in a horrible abusive relationship for the past couple of years. I broke up with my ex a few months back and i am still going through pain from day to day. Some days i feel great, others all i want to do is to see him.
I have started to see other people, get myself out there and i have had lots of men pursuing me as of lately. I have become more comfortable being by myself and starting to feel not so lonely being alone.

The thing is, i have a problem with the men i have met. All the men so far i have met, been on a date with, started texting and calling etc.. Are all very 'head over heels'.. Coming on too strong and its starting to bug me. I know most women are usually complaining about a man not texting or calling, not wanting to hang out. Well my problem is the opposite.

The latest is my friend's cousin. He seemed great, cool, great job, friendly, very good looking and older than me. Which is what i need. I went on a date with him, and it went GREAT. We got along so well, i was so insanely attracted to him when i saw him, and he seemed like he was really enjoying his time with me. The day after, he had to go back to work. He started calling me, which i was happy about. But then he texts me more than needed, he has started to tell me he misses me and that he cares about me. Now i feel scared off and like i am losing interest fast. I told him that i needed him to go slow, not to rush things etc. He said he understood but he hasnt slowed down at all. Ugh.
The same thing happened with the guy before him i went on a date with a few weeks back. I dont know what i am doing so right that these men are liking... But its every guy i meet and it just drives me away.

What is happening here? Why am i suddenly attracting clingy men? It might not sound like a problem as such, but its happening to me everytime i meet someone new and i go from liking him, to being distant with him.

Any advice or opinions?

[MerryH]

Do you always answer when they call and respond to texts right away? Maybe you're feeding into it somehow and allowing them to get too comfortable with you. Or maybe you just attract the type of man who wants control over everything. I might be way off there, but you're still going through some difficult times and domineering people would probably pick up on your vulnerability. Something to think about, I guess.

Anyway, you don't always need to text or call back right away. Respond whenever it suits you.

[bulrush]

Ignore his texts. Then when you see him or talk to him, keep repeating that he is going too fast and he might lose you. You have to keep repeating that you want things to go slowly. But also validate the emotions he has for you. You could say something like: "I know you are excited to meet me but I simply am not ready for so many texts so soon. Can you keep it to one a day?"

[Wakeup]

Jaden: One of the things you're going to have to get brave about is saying what you mean and meaning what you say. So: Why not just tell them that you're signing off for the day and you'll talk to them later. Then, if they text you again after that during the day, just don't reply.

You say you were totally attracted to your cousins friend and now that he's actually is paying attention to you, you're fleeing. IMO that indicates that You're afraid of commitment because you're not clear of your addiction to your abusive ex. (did you ever get any counceling to help you to understand why you stayed in that dysfunction?)

You're not ready to date by the sounds of it and by doing something you're apparently not ready for, you're not seeing the good in the men that are sitting across from you. If you were ready, then the handsome guy you were attracted to would not bug you with his texts... they'd make you smile.

[Mathias]

Jaden: One of the things you're going to have to get brave about is saying what you mean and meaning what you say. So: Why not just tell them that you're signing off for the day and you'll talk to them later. Then, if they text you again after that during the day, just don't reply.

You say you were totally attracted to your cousins friend and now that he's actually is paying attention to you, you're fleeing. IMO that indicates that You're afraid of commitment because you're not clear of your addiction to your abusive ex. (did you ever get any counceling to help you to understand why you stayed in that dysfunction?)

You're not ready to date by the sounds of it and by doing something you're apparently not ready for, you're not seeing the good in the men that are sitting across from you. If you were ready, then the handsome guy you were attracted to would not bug you with his texts... they'd make you smile.

Meh. Any guy that comes on too strong is going to turn off a woman. I don't think there's anything wrong with her - if anything, it's a lesson to guys out there in how to approach this kind of stuff.

A guy who comes on too strong is a huge warning in itself. It means he's too emotionally invested in something that isn't there yet. That can be a symptom of so many other issues (codependence, lack of other activities, etc.). I can't blame her for feeling the way she does.

[bcgirl]

what you are going through is soooo completely NORMAL. That is why the cycle of abusive relationships that women have never ends. It depends on the woman to end that cycle of abuse. You were with a man who you loved so much that abused you. You hate the abuse but you loved the man. Now that you are single, you feel like you are attracted to a "bad boy" type and feel like you are "turned off" by guys that are supposed to treat you like a princess. If you ever want the kind of fairy tale relationship of that prince charming, you'll have to change how you value yourself. It is no wonder abused women keep seeking out the wrong men and end up in yet another sh*tty relationship. There are good guys out there, you will just have to understand yourself and know that you are worthy of those good guys. Perhaps what you need to do now is not worry so much about dating, but rather get yourself back on track with your own ego. Go to counselling sessions to help cope with your history of abuse. Do things for yourself that will contribute to healing and understanding why you decided to stay in an abusive relationship. Once you understand certain things about yourself, you will be more inclined to accept those "good guys".

A guy who comes on too strong is a huge warning in itself. It means he's too emotionally invested in something that isn't there yet. That can be a symptom of so many other issues (codependence, lack of other activities, etc.). I can't blame her for feeling the way she does.

My husband came off very strong. We had our first date and he already asked me to be his gf. He genuinely liked me and showed it. I respect that. It shows you a glimpse as to how they will end up treating you in the future if you were their gf. Someone who is willing to text and call you the next day is someone you want in your life. Someone not even willing to make an effort to text or call means they weren't really interested or they are thinking things over wayy too much as to when would be a good timing to call. Wouldn't you want someone who was completely interested in you? But that's what i mean about the cycle of abuse and why you are not psychologically prepared to be dating yet. You actually want that guy who is not interested, and you'll be the one who forever chases him which will cause too many tear shedding in the future.

[Wakeup]

A guy who comes on too strong is a huge warning in itself.

I agree with that but simple texting is hardly "coming on too strong" particularily if she's been enabling it by responding without telling him or guiding him to what is acceptable/not acceptable to her.

I can't blame her for feeling the way she does either because it sounds to me that she hasn't honed her self-worth quite enough as yet maybe lacks sense of conviction/confidence/personal boundaries in place to simply tell them or, as I said, to lead them to what is acceptable contact for her. (A; I don't want to move too fast while my actions say differently perhaps?)

BTW, Jaden what does this mean

The day after, he had to go back to work

Did he stay overnight at your place or something?

[devonbrown]

I am guessing that the calls and texts are making them seem needy and clingy to you. And that is what is turning you off from them. You are probably associating needy and clingy in your mind to weak. And you are not attracted to weak.

However, if you view their calls and texts as simple attempts to woo you, you may see them as strong trying to get what they want (in this case, you).

I don't think it is anything you are doing that is causing these guys to act this way. They probably like you and are this way whenever they start to like someone.

My suggestion is to take the horse by the reins. It may be time for you to step up and take control of the relationship. Let the guy know you want to take things slow, but spell that out for him. Let him know that you will call him. Or you will text him. Explain that you want to make sure things go the speed you want them to and in order to accomplish that you have to be the one calling the shots. Some guys won't like this, but some will understand and try to be supportive of your choices.

Good luck.

[JadenMia]

Hey all, thanks for everybodies response. It is very much appreciated!

As for my problem, i think that maybe it is because i am not ready to date anyone or meet anyone new yet.. I still miss my ex but no matter what i do its not going away I tried staying home alone for months to try heal.. That made me feel worse than ever. I tried getting out and seeing friends.. That doesnt work. I still feel terribly angry over my breakup and i am still in the phase of dreaming for revenge over my broken heart.
There is nothing i found to be helping at all. So i decided to try see other people.

I will respond to a mans text if he texts me, wont be right away as i am always busy nowadays, but i will respond to them. If he says he misses me .. I dont return it, i just say thankyou and be polite.. If he says he cares about me i ask why.. I dont act completely head over heels like they do, i wont be texting them like they do me.I have told men that this isnt what i like or that will win me over. I mentioned that in my first post.
I told this certain man that he was moving too fast, that i wasnt over my ex completely and that if he wanted to hang out, then he would need to move very slow. I even told him that guys who come on too strong scare me off pretty easily and that i like a man who has time for me, but also time for other things.. And he still does it..
I have completely been turned off now and i dont think there is any going back. I havnt replied to him today and debating whether to text and tell him he moved too fast and i now dont feel the same as i did.

No, he didnt sleep at my house. lol He works away and got called into work on the saturday.

One thing i wonder, is if i dont like men who are nice to me, because of lack of confidence, lack of self worth. I dont FEEL like i have no self worth, yes some days i feel better than others, sometimes i feel like nobody will ever want to be with me, sometimes i feel on top of the world! But usually i feel okay. How do i know if this is why i want the men that are not interested? If i dont feel like i need help with my confidence or self worth.. How do i know how to make it better?

[pisces25]

Your ex put you through a lot JM, it is going to take a long time to heal. Just concentrate on getting back to 100% and then consider dating. The fact you are still angry at your ex and acknowledge this means you aren't quite there yet. Don't rush it, healing will take as long as it takes.

[Wakeup]

Hey all, thanks for everybodies response. It is very much appreciated!

As for my problem, i think that maybe it is because i am not ready to date anyone or meet anyone new yet.. I still miss my ex but no matter what i do its not going away I tried staying home alone for months to try heal.. That made me feel worse than ever. I tried getting out and seeing friends.. That doesnt work. I still feel terribly angry over my breakup and i am still in the phase of dreaming for revenge over my broken heart.
There is nothing i found to be helping at all. So i decided to try see other people.

I will respond to a mans text if he texts me, wont be right away as i am always busy nowadays, but i will respond to them. If he says he misses me .. I dont return it, i just say thankyou and be polite.. If he says he cares about me i ask why.. I dont act completely head over heels like they do, i wont be texting them like they do me.I have told men that this isnt what i like or that will win me over. I mentioned that in my first post.
I told this certain man that he was moving too fast, that i wasnt over my ex completely and that if he wanted to hang out, then he would need to move very slow. I even told him that guys who come on too strong scare me off pretty easily and that i like a man who has time for me, but also time for other things.. And he still does it..
I have completely been turned off now and i dont think there is any going back. I havnt replied to him today and debating whether to text and tell him he moved too fast and i now dont feel the same as i did.

No, he didnt sleep at my house. lol He works away and got called into work on the saturday.

One thing i wonder, is if i dont like men who are nice to me, because of lack of confidence, lack of self worth. I dont FEEL like i have no self worth, yes some days i feel better than others, sometimes i feel like nobody will ever want to be with me, sometimes i feel on top of the world! But usually i feel okay. How do i know if this is why i want the men that are not interested? If i dont feel like i need help with my confidence or self worth.. How do i know how to make it better?

People who know what they want, have self-respect/worth, confidence would have simply told him straight that he was text far too often for your liking. You said you were attracted to him and that you told him that you wanted to move slowly however, in your Opost you didn't say that you told him outright that your idea of moving slowly included not texting you constantly. Texting seemed to be what was annoying you mostly about him. Do you think, since you originally found him so attractive that had he not contacted you, ignored you after, didn't respond to your texts/emails that you would have then longed for him and been stoked by that drama?
It's woman with low self-worth that are intrigued by that pick up artist David DiAngelo taught power seat the man holds.

I suspect you didn't feel like you had lack of self-esteem when you were being abused either. The simple fact that you stayed with him after the first time he hit you indicates that you are lacking (even if you don't feel like you are). If you've cut out seeing this new guy because his attention has made you feel icky then it could be that he's just not your cup of tea or, it could be that you're not ready to date yet or you are, but you're still looking for disrespect and the type of guy that says he cares but (like the ex,) he never actully shows that he does in his apathetic and vile actions. (as what bcgirl so aptly alluded to).

Have you had any therapy or counceling since your split?

[bcgirl]

i think that maybe it is because i am not ready to date anyone or meet anyone new yet.. I still miss my ex but no matter what i do its not going away

This means you are clearly not ready to date. One of the biggest mistakes people make is rushing into other relationships too soon before they have even fully healed from their last break-up. Your emotions are unstable at the moment and you are unable to make clear judgements as to which type of guy you want....this will most likely lead you to being misled to fall for the wrong guy. Yes, being lonely sucks. But you gotta allow that wound from the break-up to fully heal in a healthy way.

How do i know if this is why i want the men that are not interested? If i dont feel like i need help with my confidence or self worth.. How do i know how to make it better?

I know exactly how you feel. My ex was a guy who was a prick to me at time, and treated me badly....but i loved him. When we broke-up, I was devastated and didn't want to be alone. I dated guys I was not interested in just because I wanted a boyfriend, and didn't want to be lonely. You be polite to guys you aren't interested in because you want to hang them on by a string and don't want to entirely close the door on them because this would mean closing the door to a potential guy who will take away some of the pain of loneliness. The only reason I can now explain the behaviour and actions I've portrayed is when I'm out of that state of mind. I'm in a much happier place now and am completely 100% over my ex boyfriend. Once you are totally out of that mental state and into a "good place" will you see yourself more clearly and realize that you are in fact sad and grieving and not ready to date at all at the moment.

[JadenMia]

People who know what they want, have self-respect/worth, confidence would have simply told him straight that he was text far too often for your liking. You said you were attracted to him and that you told him that you wanted to move slowly however, in your Opost you didn't say that you told him outright that your idea of moving slowly included not texting you constantly. Texting seemed to be what was annoying you mostly about him. Do you think, since you originally found him so attractive that had he not contacted you, ignored you after, didn't respond to your texts/emails that you would have then longed for him and been stoked by that drama?
It's woman with low self-worth that are intrigued by that pick up artist David DiAngelo taught power seat the man holds.

I suspect you didn't feel like you had lack of self-esteem when you were being abused either. The simple fact that you stayed with him after the first time he hit you indicates that you are lacking (even if you don't feel like you are). If you've cut out seeing this new guy because his attention has made you feel icky then it could be that he's just not your cup of tea or, it could be that you're not ready to date yet or you are, but you're still looking for disrespect and the type of guy that says he cares but (like the ex,) he never actully shows that he does in his apathetic and vile actions. (as what bcgirl so aptly alluded to).

Have you had any therapy or counceling since your split?

I havnt had any therapy since my split no, i did attend a few sessions whilst i was in the relationship and throughout my breakup.. But then when we broke up everything kind of went to shit. I didnt want to do anything, all i did was work and sleep pretty much. I should probably go back and try again to get help.. Because i think perhaps i really am not healed from that relationship. Especially as a few weeks after my breakup i saw my ex again. Why, i dont know.. I just felt that things would be different now that he missed me etc. It ended up in us actually fighting and me getting a black eye.. Since then i have felt like shit about everything as i got blamed for the whole thing by a lot of people.

The sad thing is, i probably would have liked this man more if he hadnt have texted me so much and ignored me.. Not liked him more, but i would have definitely wanted him more. Maybe i do need help.. I just dont feel getting over my ex is ever going to get better.. I feel it just lingers. ALL the time. The more i am away from him, the more i feel like i miss and love him. I just hate it.. I wish i had never met him, he is officially the worst thing that ever happened to me.

[pisces25]

The sad thing is, i probably would have liked this man more if he hadnt have texted me so much and ignored me.. Not liked him more, but i would have definitely wanted him more. Maybe i do need help.. I just dont feel getting over my ex is ever going to get better.. I feel it just lingers. ALL the time. The more i am away from him, the more i feel like i miss and love him. I just hate it.. I wish i had never met him, he is officially the worst thing that ever happened to me.

This is what therapy will help you with. To help break your cycle of abuse.

[bcgirl]

This is what therapy will help you with. To help break your cycle of abuse.

exactly. Why would you love someone who treats you like sh*t and beats you?! The first time a man hits you, you are in shock and want to truly believe that he will never do that again because he apologized and told you he wouldn't...and plus you try to give justifications as to why he would beat you, like it was your fault, perhaps you shouldn't have yelled at him or brought up that subject... After many times of being abused by the same spouse, it becomes sadly "routine" and you begin to get desensitized. You fight and argue, he explodes on you, you cry, he apologizes, you accept his apology, things are all lovey dovey until the next time it happens all over again. Why do you love and miss him so much? Maybe because you subconsciously believe you deserve to be treated like that. Therapy would be good for you so you can understand why you think you "love" a man who treats you like crap.