A total mess

[cricketjack]

Hello RF. Im jack, 25, and just joined after browsing for a while.

I have this problem and with nowhere to turn I thought it would be great to see if anyone else has any ideas. Never posted on a forum like this before so go easy


I was with this girl for about a year it ended in August. Our relationship was starting to become very heated, we would argue all the time and to be honest I was slowly growing to dislike her. She really loved me but a bit too much perhaps and wasnt happy with me talking to other girls and got upset an awful lot,

She then found out shes pregnant and that the contraceptive pill hadnt worked .

I really didnt want the baby, firstly because of the way she was and how the relationship was near its last days and secondly because im too young and not ready for it. However because the woman always gets to decide she decided to keep it.

There started to be problems in the relationship that forced me into leaving. I could cope with it, knowing im going to be a dad and theres nothing I can do about it. Our arguments were still happening but instead of being able to get to the end of them and resolve them she would back out as soon as an argument started because she wasnt feeling well or was having morning sickness so it just boiled up. I couldnt handle it anymore so I walked. That was back in August.

We then had no contact for ages. Until about September, I told her on the internet that im going to try and sort myself out, better myself and try to come round to the idea of being a dad.

At the end of September I met another girl. Really get on well with her and I was going to tell the ex girlfriend.

I finally got in touch with the x last week (didnt earlier because I no longer had her number, she had blocked me on social networking sites and was barely on my pc). She told me she knows im in a relationship because this girl she knows (well I know her more than the ex) showed her my facebook profile on her phone and saw the relationship status and wall posts I made.

We spoke for a while, talked about the baby and how its not long til the birth (about a month). We then spoke on the phone about it.

Basically though she wrote some really long emails and I sent some back. The summary of things was that all this time she has dreamt I would come back to her and we could live as a happy family. She was truly devastated when she found out id found a new girlfriend and had barely stopped crying. She told me that she cant believe iv done it to her and the baby before its even born.

The final words really was that I can either get rid of my girlfriend and do whats right for the baby, or I can stay with my girlfriend but her and the baby will be closed out of my life as she cant bear to be in contact with me when I have a girlfriend before the babys born as its upsetting her too much and maybe harming the baby.

Harsh...yes. Bear in mind I dont want to upset this x, I know how much she genuinely cared about me and I know it cant be nice carrying my baby while im with another girl.

When I said its a bit unfair she said earlier she would just start the new life with just her and the baby as of tomorrow, she said I wont have to worry about the government trying to get money off me as she will put father unknown on birth certificate.


I dont want to upset the ex anymore and it seems the only options she has given me is to end it with gf and be in the babys life or stay with gf but not have anything to do with them

[devonbrown]

Quick reality check - you are going to be a father. Let your ex know that you are sorry that it is hurting her that you are with a new girlfriend, but that doesn't change that you want to be in the baby's life. Be there for the ex, help her, go to the hospital with her, etc. Be a man about it. Tell your current girlfriend that this is something you are going to do and it is just part of your life. And let the ex know that who you date has nothing to do with your being a father.

The ex is dealing with the breakup right now. That isn't exactly your fault, but you can try to be understanding to her about it. But you still need to live your life and she needs to live hers. She can date whomever she wants also.

But, and I am afraid this is what you are getting at, I have a bad feeling that you are hoping someone tells you that you should just let the ex not put you on the birth certificate and have nothing to do with the child because you didn't want her to have it in the first place. And if that is the case, you should just go away because I have nothing more to say to you.

[MerryH]

So she thinks it's a good idea to deprive a child of its biological father because she's mad at him and wants to punish him. This is the type of person you're dealing with. And you're actually considering giving in to her blatant manipulation?

Stop talking to her until the baby is born, take down your stupid facebook relationship status (that was insensitive of you to flaunt your new thing on facebook. You should have kept it quiet, considering the circumstances) and get a lawyer if you can afford one. Start looking into what your legal rights are. Paternity test, and all that. Until then, don't agree to any of her demands. Get ready to be a father! Congrats!

[bcgirl]

Your relationship was rocky and you two weren't a good fit, that is why it ended.... She loved you so much and didn't want to let you go so she decides to get pregnant as a last resort so you'd stay with her. You don't, and so her little scheme to get pregnant back fired. Now she is too late to get an abortion and she will just have to go through with the baby. She shouldn't be giving you ultimatums, it's not fair. The worst thing you can do is go back with her and try to work things out.... i already see how it will go and it's a disaster. Not only will it go back to the way things were when you two were a couple, but also add in the new girlfriend thing...she will never let you off the hook for that. If she doesn't want you to be in the baby's life (i'm not too sure what the laws are about that)....but i'm sure a father has some rights to be able to be a part his child's life....whether you need to go to court for these rights or not. Plus, don't believe what she is telling you now about not worrying about having to pay child support..... she is saying that to guilt trip you and make you feel like you are being a sh*tty father. Once the baby comes out, don't be surprised if she will try to go after all the child support she can milk outta you. Stay with your new girlfriend if you like her, be sure that your new gf knows that you have a baby coming (don't hide this from any future girlfriends). As for your ex....tell her you are not going to be with her and that you are going to be with your new gf. Tell her that you'll be at the hospital when the baby is born, you do not need to drive your ex to doctors or hospital or help her do errands or anything...that is not your responsibility anymore. Keep it as a "business" type of meeting and only for the baby....nothing emotional between you two, and nothing that can lead to emotional crap. Don't even be there for your ex on the phone or computer to chat.

[MerryH]

She loved you so much and didn't want to let you go so she decides to get pregnant as a last resort so you'd stay with her.

Yep, because every time a woman gets pregnant, it's to manipulate men into staying with them or to milk the man for child support. Not always, of course, but it's just best to assume this, because whores, amiright, bcgirl?

[bcgirl]

Yep, because every time a woman gets pregnant, it's to manipulate men into staying with them or to milk the man for child support. Not always, of course, but it's just best to assume this, because whores, amiright, bcgirl?

a girl who says she is not allowing the father to see his own child is very capable of pulling a pregnancy scheme in hopes of keeping a man. She seems white trash to me in that sense.

[cricketjack]

Thanks everyone.


The problem with the baby is that she lives quite a distance away, I do work but am paying off a debt management plan, I dont drive and a lot of the time dont have any way to get there.

Its far from the situation now where I dont want to be there, I do. Practically the best needs to be done for the baby, though I think on 1 hand yes the baby needs a dad, but on the other hand I dont want to upset her regardless of what shes done as its not fair on her and isnt what the babys needs (to see its mum upset a lot of the time).

I do feel guilt from things a lot of the time, even though its not my fault as to why its like the way it is I think I feel the guilt over the ways this girl really did try her hardest, she would of done anything for me, but what she thought was doing her best was actually controlling and whatnot and driving me away

[searock]

Do you want to be a father to your baby or not? Just answer this question.

[bulrush]

She then found out shes pregnant and that the contraceptive pill hadnt worked .
...the relationship was near its last days and secondly because im too young and not ready for it. However because the woman always gets to decide she decided to keep it.

She probably "forgot" to take her pill, because she knew the relationship was ending. It was a last ditch attempt to keep you. She sounds really unstable by looking at the rest of your post.

She was truly devastated when she found out id found a new girlfriend and had barely stopped crying. She told me that she cant believe iv done it to her and the baby before its even born.

Notice how she mentioned the baby as an emotional appeal? And she "said" she cried nonstop. We don't know if it's true or not, but this is another sign of her instability. If she really cried "nonstop" it's a really bad sign, possibly a mental ilness. Don't you see how she overreacts to things? If she lied about it, then she's a liar. Either way, she is bad news.

You need to pay your child support and otherwise stay away from her, except to see your kid.

AND GET A PATERNITY TEST! It may not even be yours. Don't trust her.

Vasectomy: $700usd (if not covered by insurance)
Child support in MI for 18 years: $302,400 ($1400 per month for first child)
Which is cheaper?

a girl who says she is not allowing the father to see his own child is very capable of pulling a pregnancy scheme in hopes of keeping a man. She seems white trash to me in that sense.

I agree. I've met these types of people in person and gotten to know them. They are really out there. This is not something I read about. I've met them and grew up with them.

Yep, because every time a woman gets pregnant, it's to manipulate men into staying with them or to milk the man for child support. Not always, of course, but it's just best to assume this, because whores, amiright, bcgirl?

Nope. Only sometimes. With highly insecure, unstable girls, like how this one sounds, it's very likely. I've met these girls, grown up with them. They can be desperatre, insecure, and HIGHLY reactive and emotional.

[LdFilip]

geeeeez...take all your guts and take care of your kid...and find a way to her...(no it wont be a disaster if youll show some effort)

...its too late to think if you are ready or if it was a good thing or not,dont you think? ...but my brain kinda cant get it...you made her pregnant and then what?ran away and find someone else?im not saying that such things cant happen,but you did wrong after...so make it right this time.

[bcgirl]

i've met these types of people in person and gotten to know them. They are really out there. This is not something I read about. I've met them and grew up with them.

I think many people have come across these types of girls at least once in their lifetime. I know I have seen a fare share of these types of girls and I don't even live anywhere near redneck town. No wonder there are so many bastard kids around, it's more so the woman's fault for manipulating the pregnancy than it is the father walking out on the kid.

[cricketjack]

Thanks guys, I think I may have to. Obviously when she told me she was pregnant I really didnt want the kid.... partly because I wasnt ready in life to be a dad and partly because it was with her but as she made all the choices I have been adapting to the decision that the kid will be here no question about that.

I know full well that perhaps I shouldnt of found someone else, but it was 1 of them things, I had 2 months previously come out of a relationship I had with someone (the babys mum of course) that acted like the way she did, and had grown to hate the relationship. I had nobody to talk to about things and the babys mum had temporarily closed all contact routes because she had been giving these ultimatums and I wouldnt agree with them.

She did say I could of waited for the baby to be born. But honestly, it was like she was in love with me more than anyone or anything and nobody else was gonna be given the opportunity to take me off her. The way I see it is even if I was single now and then found someone after the baby was born or later on.... she would act exactly the same way as she wants us to be a family. Its only when shes found someone herself that it would be "fine" for me to find someone else.

I do want to be there