How do I pick up the pieces?

[NessMIA]

Where do I begin with my story? I am heart broken. You know the feeling that your chest is tight, and you can't breathe? Like you are drowning and the only way to breathe is to HOLD HIM? SEE HIM?

I wrote my story in blog format. See below. Thoughts, advice, encouragement, and prayers are welcomed!!


The Why

-Girl meets boy. They go out on a date.
-Boy tells girl they are better off as friends.
-Girl embarks in a year-long "non relationship" relationship" with boy. Including vacations, and toothbrush at his house.
-Boy's world becomes girl's world. Girl neglects the life she had before boy, and everything becomes him him him.
-Girl thinks she has changed his mind about relationship--several times. Unfortunately, he has not.
-Girl becomes co-dependent to a narcissist.
-Narcissist finally tells girl that it's over.
-Girls finds herself in the deepest lonely hole.


It's Sunday, and our big fight/break up was Wednesday. Not sure if Thursday, Friday, and Saturday count. On Thursday I asked him if he wanted to have dinner, and he said "I do, but I think it's best we spend some time apart." Heart broken. Friday morning I see a therapist for the first time. She is $200 an hour. I can only afford her for 3-4 days before all my savings are gone. It's worth it! It's worth it! She tells me I was co-dependent; I was with a narcissist, and that I am addicted to J-- "You are addicted much like a drug addict is addicted to drugs. COLD TURKEY. YOU HAVE TO GO COLD TURKEY. I show all signs of addiction. And I was going through withdrawals. I asked her what I should do for the rest of the weekend? I can't imagine myself without HIM this weekend. What if I stay at home and cry all weekend? It's completely fine she tells me. You are mourning. Well lady, I haven't been able to stay at work a full day for the past 2 days because I've been sobbing--that's why I'm seeing you! FIX ME!


On Friday night, I "accidentally" show up at the gym and he happens to be there. My heart starts racing...will he see me and remember that he really wants to be with me? He casually waves. Like he has just said hi to a stranger. I pretend to workout for 20 minutes and leave. Heart broken. I get in my car and immediately text him "I miss you and Bindi. I am a sad pup without you two in my life." Bindi is his australian cattle dog, and what I considered my "daughter." I get an instant rush running through my body..."will he text me back?" "he will text me back and tell me he misses me too and to come over." No text. Heart broken. Therapist will be not happy.

I cry all night and dream of him in every single way possible. One of the dreams is so realistic, that I wake up sobbing because I thought we were back together. I WILL BE STRONGER! Saturday I write a one-page single spaced letter to him, and drop it off at his house (I knew he was diving that day. I am safe.) I peeked through the window hoping to catch a glimpse of my puppy-child. I feel like a psycho. I drive home satisfied about the letter and tell myself THAT will change his mind. After he reads my letter about how good we are together and that I miss our inside jokes, he will realize he can't live without me. No text. No Call. Heart broken. Therapist will not be happy.

I had a sob fest this morning at his best friend's house this morning. Yep. His best friend's wife 'N" is now one of my best friends. Very awkward for them. I feel safest at their house. I think because I have so many memories of J and I there. And also because N was there from the beginning, and knows exactly what to say so I don't become a psycho and rush over to his house. She reminds me of the time that an ex-gf showed up at J's house while he and I were watching a movie...sobbing and knocking on the door to please talk to her. How pathetic?! I called her pathetic that night "You need to go home" I told her. Today I want to hug her, and never want to become her.

Why did J and I break up? well he broke it off with me, because I became a clingy needy "friend" that wanted more. But vacations, dates, sex..is not a relationship? I think I only made his days less lonely. I gave up my life for him, and he gave up nothing. Which is why he is probably OK today, and I am writing a blog about my heart hurting, and counting the minutes until my therapy session tomorrow at 9:50am.

The urge to rush to his house is much bigger than me. My world is collapsing. How can I pick up the pieces?

[Mathias]

You're a little overdramatic about this, don't you think?

Yeah, he used you. You obviously let him. He's not coming back - start to move on.

[NessMIA]

Has you heart ever hurt? I am not being over dramatic. It is hurting. I 100% know that he used me, and I let him. Hence the therapy part. The therapist basically said I was addicted to him--compared me to a drug addict. I don't know why I let this go on for a year, it was clearly not going to end well.

[bcgirl]

Your therapist is not worth $200/session. She is telling you crap that you can easily find online.

Many people have similar "drug" dependancies to their significant other. I've been addicted to my ex boyfriend....but we were boyfriend and girlfriend for many many years and we both loved each other.
Why are you behaving like you've just run out of crystal meth and in need of your next hit? Ask your therapist to give you these answers. This case is more so Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Think of him as Michael Douglas, he didn't give a sh*t about you and just used you....sucks for him cuz now he has to deal with an obsessed crazy woman.

[foolish_love]

now that you things will never work out because you've tried almost everything, turning into a slight stalker, your next best move would be to acknowledge and accept what he doesn't want and find a way to move forward. remember, you had a life before him, you can have one after him as well. don't let one person make you feel this way, although you are the one who is allowing it. i understand you're hurt and i'm not takin that away from you. greive your loss and return to the decent life you had before this mess. head up.

[steviej]

You can either wallow in this misery or do your best to get out of it. The pain is harsh and very real, but the sooner you become independent and get your life back the quicker you'll heal.

Lying in bed sobbing will not speed the process up.

For $200 dollars an hour i'd expect a therapist with big boobs to help me recover by sucking me off.