Affair with a married man.... what should I do?

[cmacc30]

I am in desperate need of some balanced and impartial advice....

I work with a married man who is roughly ten years older than me (I am in my thirties and he is in his forties). When I say I work with him, we work in the same office no more than four or five days a month. He is married and lives four hours away from me, and stays locally whenever he is working in the area. We have always liked one another and get on incredibly well as both colleagues and as friends.

Recently he joined me on a night out with some of my friends outside of work. To cut a long story short, after a few glasses of wine too many, we ended up spending the night together. I have always found him attractive, and enjoy being in his company, but never imagined that we would end up in such a situation. The following morning, he asked me if I wanted to make this a regular thing when he is staying locally - I didn't commit one way or the other, saying that he really ought to think long and hard about things before embarking on an affair and the impact it could have at home. After all, a one-night-stand can be put down to the effects of alcohol and easily forgotten in the circumstances.

The thing is, and I am shocked with myself for saying this, I'm not entirely against the idea.

I'm not interested in a full blown relationship (I split up with my ex nearly three years ago, and am still having to house-share with him thanks to the joys of negative equity) and have been enjoying being on my own but have missed the physical intimacy of being in a relationship. Based on my own personal circumstances, in many ways an affair seems ideal. From his perspective, having an affair so far away from home does, I suppose, minimise the risk of his wife finding out about his indiscretion.

But, then again, perhaps I am just trying to justify it in my own mind. And this, my friends, is why I am asking for your advice.

I have not, at any time, discussed his marriage with him - I rarely ask personal questions of people as I prefer to work on the basis that people will tell me what they want me to know!

Should I be selfish and start an affair with him, or should I listen to that sensible voice in my head that is telling me not to be a fool?! I'm pretty sure I already know the answer, but just need to hear it from somebody impartial....

[surfhb]

Well I think it takes a little maturity and self control not to go down that road.....dont you agree? Hell, I'd could think of 3 or 4 women I could bang but I do a have some respect myself and my SO and how I want to live my life

[Wakeup]

I have always found him attractive, and enjoy being in his company, but never imagined that we would end up in such a situation.

WTF do they ALL say that when it's plain in the post that it was totally planned? At least have the decency to own your choice to enable a married man to cheat. Perhaps the judgement wouldn't be so harsh if you actually came clean and said you knew it was wrong but you flirted with him until you were having an emotional affair with him which you orchastrated to become a physical one. This will happen to you one day when karma comes around to bites you in the arse.

Why would you delegate yourself to be lonely and alone on your birthday and all holidays while he spends them with his wife and family? Whats missing in you that you'd do that to a fellow sista? There are plenty of good men out there that you can fvck without commitment. Leave a skanky married man to his poor unsuspecting wife and keep your karma healthy. Don't be a disgusting douche bag by enabling a disgusting douche bag his cake while he eats it too.

p.s. Asked again: What IS wrong with you that you'd even consider such a proposal?

I have not, at any time, discussed his marriage with him - I rarely ask personal questions of people as I prefer to work on the basis that people will tell me what they want me to know!

Or maybe subconsciously you don't want to know because that might actually trigger your guilt?

Leave your half assed codependent relationship with your ex and learn to live on your own. Maybe then you'll actually not be afraid of commitment and you'll hook up with someone you can actually have without fearing actual, legitimate involvment.

[Leona77]

Should I be selfish and start an affair with him, or should I listen to that sensible voice in my head that is telling me not to be a fool?! I'm pretty sure I already know the answer, but just need to hear it from somebody impartial....

Listen to your sensible voice.
Do.Not.Do.It.Ever.Again!
Try to change jobs and stay away from him because you won't be able to resist him now!
It is unprofessional and very stupid of you to be the office gossip and the fool who slept with the married guy! Stop it now and say to yourself that it was a mistake and that you are sorry for it and move on!
Don't listen to your friends who will encourage you to pursue this affair. It always gets find out.ALWAYS. People get hurt. You get disrespected.It's how it works. You end up with him (or have thought of it, don't lie to yourself or us and he cheats on you!.It's not the movies. You are not special to him. And you deserve better that being with somebody who does not respect his wife who cleans his dirty udnerwear. How would you feel? Bad? Good! Not think hard and do the right thing!

[Leona77]

p.s. the reason I am saying this is because I have seen it around me a few times & it always IS the classic story. The girl who is having the affair is marked for life. people don't like cheaters. My friend ended up with a married guy, he left his wife, lived with her for 2 years but never told the children anything except ''daddy is away''...He then left the mistress and got back with his wife. The wife went to the workplace of where my friend works and was looking for her to tell her what a sl*t she is. I don't blame her, tbh....It is devastating for a family,the children and most importantly for you to be part of this messy,messy situation....
I would have nothing but disgust and disrespect for a man who is willing to do this repeatedly & by agreement...He's done it before and will do it after you...just make sure you are ready for this mess...is it worth it...

[stuckies]

just adding - guilt doesn't really stop people from doing anything, guilt happens after an event.

[Wakeup]

just adding - guilt doesn't really stop people from doing anything, guilt happens after an event.

Not when what you're about to do is against your own personal boundaries and you'll know that what you're about to do will hurt someone else or yourself for that matter.

Guilt is what is supposed to stop us from listening to the devil on our left shoulder tempting us to go ahead and commit what is against your own moral code or laws of society or whatever. Feeling guilt after you've done whatever, then the pangs of angst are out of the sub-and into the actual conscious.

The less Op knows about who she is being a twat to,(the married guy's wife) the more she can pretend she doesn't exist, the less she'll feel that she's hurting anyone and thereby she'll be able to assauge any sub-conscious or conscious guilt.

[MaidenMinx]

I told my husband recently that if I ever found out that another woman even tried to make a move on him I'd belt her and if he ever had an affair I'd rip the other woman limb from limb. I'm only mildly exaggerating.

Pray his wife is not like me and if she is she never finds out.

[elijah121]

I had a similar situation, I am only 25 and i slept with a married woman, and honestly the guilt is a trip. I posted here about the situation and i got beat to a pulp on this forum. My advice to you is that Karma is a bitch. Stay away from this, don't be the reason that breaks up a marriage or a family, starting off this way will always lead to mistrust and unfortunate events. Let it go, never let it happen again. For me after i slept with her i told her we can't do this ever again, we stayed friends and that's the way it should be. She has two little girls and a husband and for me the guilt of sleeping with her even though her marriage is abusive it's tormenting. I'm sure you will find someone right for you in time, don't pursue what's already made and what's not for you it's degrading and selfish. Cheerio...

[pisces25]

I told my husband recently that if I ever found out that another woman even tried to make a move on him I'd belt her and if he ever had an affair I'd rip the other woman limb from limb. I'm only mildly exaggerating.

Pray his wife is not like me and if she is she never finds out.

Would you rip your hubby from limb to limb too MM?

[ashley235]

dont do it
u wouldnt want ur husband doing that behind ur back
just stay friends

[MaidenMinx]

Would you rip your hubby from limb to limb too MM?

That would completely depend on the circumstances... He kinda needs his limbs. If you knew my hubby you'd understand why it would be safe for me to assume if he strayed he would have to be lured therefore the woman involved would deserve to lose her limbs.

[pisces25]

I don't get it. Can't he just say he isn't interested? Why would it entirely be the woman's fault if he had an affair?

[Noslen09]

Like others said, don't do it. How would you like it if your man cheated on you? If you were hoping to start a relationship with in the future with this guy, think again. If he could cheat on his wife, he'd cheat on you too.

Go with your gut instinct. Don't do it. Everyone here is the impartial opinion you were seeking.

[Wantsherlove]

while I agree with your point...you state that she "enabled a married man to cheat" ...and "enabling him to have his cake and eat it to" ....this married man is not a child and is well aware of what he is doing wrong...I agree that he is a douche bag....

and cmacc30...chalk it up as a one-time thing...not even a fling but a one-night stand. If you enjoyed it more power to you, but for the future...move on! Nothing good will come from this...whether it be karma or his wife!

Everyone makes mistakes and that's all it was....but if he suggested this be a regular thing, then I would assume it's not his first affair and will treat you like crap later on.

Good Luck and I hope you find your peace with this situation.