Confused about my feelings for my girlfriend

[verybluesky]

Hey all,

So, Ive been with my girlfriend for a year and a half. We've been living together for about 6 months. We're right on the verge of breaking up, and while I know I need to figure these things out myself, I was wondering if anyone out there has any personal experience that relates to this. Or any insights. Or maybe just writing this will help me think . . .

I guess the simplest way to put it is I dont feel in love with her anymore. This is confusing to me me, and I say to myself "What is love? What makes me think Im not in love with her anymore?" There are so many things I love about her. There are so many things I love about our relationship. I love the way she interacts with the world, I love her honesty and compassion, I love her incredible willingness. I love the way we can joke together. I love it how there are things we do together that really mesh together (listen to the radio together, cook together, do arts and crafts together, etc.). I love so many of her values. All this and more. Believe me, more.

But there are other things too. I dont feel physically attracted to her much anymore. I dont know where it went. She's such a beautiful woman. I feel attracted to other women, and also the idea of other women. While I dont have a desire to be sexual with her, I feel a desire to be sexual with other women.

There are also aspects of her personality that I really dont like. Part of me feels judgmental of these parts, and part of me feels like they just dont mesh with who I am. For example, I work for myself and am very passionate about my work. I work hard, and sometimes overdo it, and dont give enough time to recreating with my girlfriend or our friends. And she sometimes has an opposition to work. In many ways shes not lazy, but sometimes, to me, it feels like she acts lazily. This created a conflict for me, and I dont know how to deal with it.

But I guess what it comes down to is this: I am feeling a strong desire to break up (and her and I have been talking about this openly and honestly), but I also dont want to lose something that I love and cherish so much, and that I fear I'll never be able to find again. I dont know if I could feel any hope for us working out because I dont feel very attracted to her anymore (not just sexually, but also personality). I love her as a person, as a human being, and as a friend. But right now I dont love her as a romantic mate and possible life long partner. I wish I could keep her in my life in the ways that feel so good, and let go of her in the ways that havent been working out. But I know I cant do that.

For these reasons, and more, I am confused. Replies are welcome, but please recognize that Im not looking for quick and dirty advice. In fact I dont even necessarily need advice. If any of this rings true true to experiences you've had, youre comments are welcome.

Thanks . . .

[bulrush]

- You have different attitudes about work. If you let yourself get angry about her differences, this will cause you trouble.

- You may be bored because you have been with the same person for a while. Try to spice things up by trying new activities. Leave your comfort zone. Go to new places, new restaurants, go to fairs, museums, and such. Do things together. For the first time this year, I pet some sting rays and sharks at the zoo. We are nowhere near an ocean, so this does not happen often.

- Sounds like sex is boring for you too. Try not having sex for a week or two. Then try something new you haven't done.

- I don't think you are "out of love" but you need to work to make things exciting again. Make a surprise weekend trip for her. Or do something else to surprise her. Go to a concert, or sporting event.

[pisces25]

Is this your first LTR? Maybe the initial 'excitement' hormones are starting to wear off which is confusing you. Very common and hard to distinguish if it is that or a real issue which is causing you these feelings.

As for the sexual attraction thing if you found her sexually attractive in the beginning what has changed? Has her appearance changed?