Selfish or justified?

[Lover14]

Not sure if i've come here to just rant or whether i need some advice or not tbh, but here goes.

A bit of background for you all...I've been with the boyf. for 1year and a half now and we moved in together about 3months ago. The place we've moved to is the street next to his dads and 5 mins drive from his mates, and a 20 minute drive from my mum and friends. We were originally living at his mums house together, but it just wasn't working, so he suggested this new place. I told him i wasn't keen on the move because i wouldn't be able to cope financially, so he said he would put £70 more than me towards the rent (i am on a very low wage and he gets nearly double what i earn). After a lot of persuasion i agreed to move in because i knew he really wanted to live there. For the first few weeks it was great, but now its like every other day he will go to the local pub with his dad and his mates and come home pis**d. I've told him i don't like coming home from work and him stumbling in whenever he feels like it, but he has also been going out around Derby with his mates alot aswell. He used to have a 'lads night out'...drinking, clubbing then going to a hotel... like once a month maybe less, however now its once/twice a week. Because of this move i've literally got no money to go out with my mates at all because of rent/bills and extra petrol...so i'm starting to get really annoyed that i'm stuck in the house most nights alone, and he can go off and do what he wants most nights of the week and stay over at hotels whenever he feels like it. I don't mind him going out every now and then obviously, but i would just like it if he could spend more time with me, or spend his money on us doing stuff together, as he knows i can't afford to go out. I don't know whether i'm just being completely selfish or if i'm okay asking this of him.

Any comments will be appreciated, and sorry for the long moan

[Boisdevie]

He is a selfish person. End it.

[Mathias]

He is a selfish person. End it.

This is a little extreme.

He probably thinks - "hey, I have the money, why not do this"? You have the right to ask to be included in plans, and to tell him how you feel. You don't have the right to demand more of his money.

It's a fine line. Good luck.

[bulrush]

I've told him i don't like coming home from work and him stumbling in whenever he feels like it, but he has also been going out around Derby with his mates alot aswell.

Have you talked to him and told him how important it is that you two spend time together alone? Also, sounds like he just likes the pub, a lot. This will probably never change. Can you deal with this for the next 50 years?

[Lover14]

yeah i've spoke to him about it before, and according to him we spend enough time together and he just wants to have a social life. Urgh.

[GPLOC]

Listen, he moved there cause it's handy. These people saying 'end it' or 'next fifty years' are being way too over dramatic. I understand it hurts when you have let him have what he wants, moved here for him and then there's no upside for you, no reward in it from your partner. But if he cares about you, he will listen to you when you sit him down in front of dinner, turn the TV off and speak to him CALMLY about how you feel. Take his hand. Explain that it makes you feel sad, alone, hurt, frustrated. Don't point the finger at him, because at the end of the day, you agreed to the move, just say 'I feel like since we moved here . . etc'. If he gives a damn he'll listen and do the right thing.

[Lover14]

Thanks GPLOC, he's out atm but i'll have a chat with him tomorrow...and i'll try my best to stay nice and calm. Thankyou

[bcgirl]

There are certain types who like to go out a lot, drink with their buddies and be very social. This behaviour and view won't change. If you try to change that, he will probably not like it and feel like you're holding him on a tight leash. This type of man does well with a woman who has her circle of friends and does "girls night outs" often. A relationship that consists of one partner always out while the other partner is staying in will NOT be a well matched relationship.

[GPLOC]

'This behaviour and view won't change' - how do you know that? Just because someone does something, doesn't mean that they always will. It isn't really a matter of him changing, more a matter of him toning it down a bit and having some understanding and appreciation of his girlfriend's feelings.

[Gypsybell]

After a year and a half he is drifting into the zone of taking your relationship for granted. Not unusual and always tricky. It's a stage many couples go though. Only you know if your relationship is worth reviving. If it is, then you can't demand his attention (that's a turn off for him and not satisfactory for you) Love has to be attracted. You are not his main focus because you don't challenge or interest him more than his mates do.

Passion has cooled, and it sounds like you don't have any common interests to bring you closer. He's behaving as if you are just a housemate with benefits. You are his comfort zone, but if you start whining and demanding then that'll change too and you'll be 'the ball and chain'. Only you may not even get that because he can walk away anytime. This is the perogative of the wife (usually left home with the kids so she has another focus herself) countless couples accept this status quo and drift into the years wondering how they ended up lonely when someone shares their bed.

You need to regain his focus if it's worth it, or cut your losses and move out. Personally, I would give it a miss. You could change your own focus and concentrate on a career choice that evens out the money situation. But the boy is a yobbo if he leaves you broke and alone and still professes to love you. What do you think his attitude to fatherhood would be? Don't make the mistake of getting pregnant to gain his attention or you'll be a statistic with choices gone. A drunk? Staying overnight in pubs? Seriously?

[GPLOC]

To be honest, he isn't exactly leaving you broke, it is his money he's spending. And as for going down the road this girl ^^ suggests, ie 'it's got a little tough for a few months so give up'. That attitude is why so many marriages and relationships fail nowadays and why good relationships are hard to 'come by'. And therein lies the problem; you don't 'come by' a good relationship. You make it into one with effort and determination. Just because he goes out with his mates doesn't dictate, by any means, that he'll be a bad father. And drinking with his mates doesn't make him 'a drunk', it makes him more sociable than you at the minute. Youth is there to be enjoyed, I suppose.

But still, like I said, I can totally sympathise with how the situation makes you feel. I'd speak to him, calmly, as I said before. Outline how you feel, why you feel that way, and what he can do to make you happier. Perhaps you could find a way to split money fairly so that you can also have nights out?

To walk away because things are going through a bad patch isn't particularly grown up or committed. There will be times when he may feel you aren't with him, or that you take him for granted. And when that day comes I'm sure you'd hope he'd really make the effort to reach you, instead of just leave you and give up.

[GPLOC]

And as far as judgemental types go, slating him for drinking. Do they drink? Or more to the point, do you?

Assuming that he'll always be this way. But wouldn't we all like the opportunity to be honestly spoken to, lovingly spoken to, and given ample time to come to our senses rather than abandoned?

None of us are perfect.

[Lover14]

I told him i was willing to negotiate with him, for example, he goes out like 3 nights a week and comes home at a reasonable hour. He agreed to this, and a week later has now said i should move out because he needs freedom. Was my compromise too harsh?

[smackie9]

No but your relationship expectaions are different from his. This means you both are not on the same page so there is no compatability. The reason why he goes out more than ever is to get away from you...that speaks volumes that this relationship fails. He wants you to move out...that also means it's over between the two of you.

[the_last_jedi]

I told him i was willing to negotiate with him, for example, he goes out like 3 nights a week and comes home at a reasonable hour. He agreed to this, and a week later has now said i should move out because he needs freedom. Was my compromise too harsh?

No, in my view it was something in between, completely reasonable: you give in a bit, and he does the same. But it is obvious that he isn't interested enough in this relationship, and he prefers that you move out to changing their habits. That answer is a very bad signal, in my opinion: he doesn't want to do any real effort or sacrifice to preserve the relationship, so I would make a very serious and calm reflection about the future os this relationship.

If you are willing to make some sacrifices and look for a compromise and he doesn't, I think that this relationship isn't balanced and I would think about finishing it.