Been crying for most of the day..

[Jhcl]

The 32 y/o I've been seeing for almost half a year (was friends with benefits for a while then it went to actual dating, at least for me) and I had a bit of a "talk."

Her: I don't know how to say this...
Me: Just say it.
Her: I'm afraid that I'm going to break your heart.. I've been wanting to talk to you for a couple weeks now because I saw your behavior change and you've seemed to be getting more emotionally attached.

She told me a bunch of things, and I told her a bunch of things..

She told me:

She told me she's been stopping herself from getting emotionally attached to me and was thinking of breaking "it" off a month ago because she started to catch some feelings.
She cares for me and brought it up because she wanted us to be on the same page about where we're at.
She loves me at this point, but isn't "in" love with me.
We're at two different points in our lives.
She isn't ready for a relationship/bad timing.
Our differences (her being extroverted, me being more introverted (which she labeled "social differences" and said I'm kinda quiet when we go out with her friends, even though I told her that the only times I've been quiet were when I was having personal problem that had nothing to do with her - so I guess those two times are engraved in her mind) me not having a steady job, being in college, and not being completely independent).
Told me that in relationships she gets demanding and would start acting like my mother, and doesn't want me to end up hating her and wants me to be able to think back to my experiences with her and think of them as positive, and that she doesn't want me to think of her as just the girl who broke my heart.
Told me that she brought this conversation up just hoping to "put the brakes on" and didn't realize that my feelings were so deep for her (or that what went down would go down).
If we DO stop seeing each other she's going to miss me, and told me not to think that she doesn't have any feelings for me, because she does.
Said she wants to keep seeing me/f*cking me but, once again, isn't ready for/doesn't want an exclusive relationship (even though she admitted to seeing only me for the last 4-5 months).
Numerous times during this conversation she said that she wished she wouldn't have brought this up at all, because even though she wanted to talk about it, she didn't think it would be like this (didn't think my feelings would be so deep), and didn't want to ruin what we've had.
Also said that if she was 10 years younger she wouldn't hesitate to pursue a relationship with me.

I told her:

She asked me if I was in love with her and I told her that I've been falling for her/am in love with her.
That her dating other guys and me knowing this while still seeing her would crush me even further.
Pretty much told her a ton of other things regarding my feelings - that I don't know what to do, that if we keep seeing each other and she does find another guy it would hurt even more than it does now, that I want to be with her, that I don't want it to be over, that I wanted her to meet my friends/family and for us to go on trips and do more things together ect..

We also talked about how her sh*tty childhood (supposedly she was berated and ignored a lot) and bad relationship with her alcoholic father has probably, which I've known about for some months, caused her to find abusive relationships normal (she got out of a LTR about a year ago where the guy was an alcoholic, drug-user, emotional abusive, and reminded her of her father, and before that another guy who was also a drug-user), but healthy relationships without a sh*tload of push/pull and abuse don't trigger the same intense feelings/emotions in her or don't/haven't worked out (like RIGHT NOW).

We both cried.. A lot... And I hate to admit it, but I cried even more than she did. I just couldn't stop it. I couldn't believe how hurt I was. I couldn't stop myself from crying and opening up to her like she was opening up to me. I keep seeing her in my mind whenever I close my eyes. I keep thinking about all the amazing times we had. Our first date, our first kiss, how awesome we were together and how perfect everything was when we were together.

I feel like I lost someone. Like a loved one died. My emotions are all over the place right now..

We also acknowledged the fact that if we do keep seeing each other things are probably not going to be exactly the same. She told me to call her if I needed to talk and that she'd check in with me in a few days.

I truly thought that she had been giving me signals of wanting something more for a while now.

[greentea11]

Aww I feel like I wish I could give you a hug. I've been there, well actually the other person was more of a jerk. He led me on and then I ended it. He basically said that we were just having fun but he didnt act like that. He was seeing some older lady and after I ended it he called up my friend drunk and then called me a month later. So I think he was falling for me and realized how messed up he was. I think in your case she might realize in the future what she is missing. She might have been afraid to get attached to you now. It is true that relationships like this usually end bad. Someone always gets attached more than the other. I don't understand why she wouldn't want to be with you if things were so great. Also it shouldn't be such a big deal to her if you don't talk that much with her friends. I think sometimes people value things that shouldn't really be issues. It's not like you go out with her friends and act like a jerk because you'd rather be somewhere more fun to you. You sound like a very sweet kind hearted person. When you love, you really love. If you don't get back together, it might be for the best. Time will heal things. And yes there is someone out there who would appreciate your love. I know sometimes I feel like I'd rather be alone than get hurt but recently I fell for someone and now he's all I think about. I went from ebing someone who was happy alone to wanting to be with this person because I think he's really one of those sweet hard to find people. Kinda like you. So my message is to you, someone out there will see how special you are and treasure it

[valmont]

^rep that, kind words greetea...

OP...even if jesus came down from heaven right now and tried to console you it wouldn't work...it's just how it is. everyone get's CRUSHED at least once...that's why they call it a crush =\

depending on what happens you're probably going to be in a horrible emotional state for a while...for the first few days/weeks nothing is going to help.

after (and this is from experience) try watching things like seinfeld/forgetting sarah marshall. they helped a lot with my break-ups. then gym/new hair cut/tattoo/extreme stuff start working on yourself/make plans. the quicker you let it all out, the quicker you can rebuild.

[HeartIsAching]

Well...

You're grieving. That's understandable.

She's right though. She's controlling, insecure, and recognizes this... and knows that she'll be horrid to you if you get into a relationship. It CAN be alleviated if she wants to (really wants to) with therapy, but I wouldn't count on it.

Go ahead and grieve. You've told her what you want, and she said no. It's time for you to walk away. If you don't... we'll, it's going to rip your heart out over and over before you do finally go - and you will.

[bulrush]

Hi, I understand this is hard on you. You didn't expect these feelings to develop. When sex is involved, feelings often develop, and sometimes with the wrong people, or incompatible people. It happens. So try to get through it as best as you can, and try to learn about yourself.

What do you need in a relationship in this phase of your life? Something steady and long?

[Jhcl]

Hi, I understand this is hard on you. You didn't expect these feelings to develop. When sex is involved, feelings often develop, and sometimes with the wrong people, or incompatible people. It happens. So try to get through it as best as you can, and try to learn about yourself.

What do you need in a relationship in this phase of your life? Something steady and long?

I want her to love me like I love her. Ha...

I just don't get it. We did so much together.. We always acted like BF/GF in public and around her friends, and we've been seeing each other exclusively for the last 4-5 months anyways. I don't understand why she can't just take a chance with me.

[oldskool83]

because she does not want a relationship for whatever the reason, she wants a dick in her and thats all. its not hard to understand. find sum1 who wants the other part of the deal.

[Lover14]

Omg i nearly cried reading that! Hope your alright. It sounds like shes deffo scared of the commitment. Maybe a little time apart will allow her to realise what she wants.

[vashti]

healthy relationships without a sh*tload of push/pull and abuse don't trigger the same intense feelings/emotions in her or don't/haven't worked out (like RIGHT NOW).

Of COURSE they don't. Once you are used to big roller coasters, does a merry-go-round ever hold the same appeal?

Find a girl who isn't broken.

[cathy22]

I know it's hard to see right now, but she's probably doing you a favor.

Like Vashti said, -Find someone who's got their act together.

[bcgirl]

You will get over her eventually. Time heals. You just have to stay away from her and not see her and get back into the f*cking routine. You two don't seem too compatible in the long run anyways. She has issues with her childhood and is extroverted....she will find you too boring and she will constantly try to seek out more dominant men who don't cry and treat her like sh*t. This will just cause you even more heart break.

[peggysue]

my heart goes out to you big time huun, all i can say is she has been completley honest which is commendable as much as it hurts but it would be worse if she led u on. u deserve a person who can gove u all of them emotionally,physically and spiritually. she is obviously attracted to you but just not ready she has hurt in her life she needs to sort out and doesnt want to hurt you in the process so let her go on her journey of discovery.in the meantime take comfort she has been honest and honoured u in this way , i wish my circumstances were as honest so i could at least know where i am in my soon to be none existent relationship from a cold fish who couldnt seem to care less of my feelings,like u my heart was on my sleeve. its hard ,it hurts but leave her go and give each other space you will meet somone amazing as u have a lot of love to give .dont give into momental sexual intimacy it just makes things so much harder for you. i wish u the best hun . surround yourself with some good friends and family and be happy at least her honesy will save u more pain. x

[peggysue]

excuse my spelling etc, im off night duty and mentally exhausted from my own relationship drama which is confusing the life out of me. :S meantime i wish u well and love will come to you in time .